


The New Normal

by QianLan



Series: Hope [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Blindness, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Family, Family Bonding, Family Issues, Flashbacks, Force-Sensitive Finn, Found Family, Grief/Mourning, Illnesses, M/M, Non-binary character, Original Character Death(s), Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Social Anxiety, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2018-12-31 08:12:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 54,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12128247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QianLan/pseuds/QianLan
Summary: After a terrible incident that nearly tore Poe and Finn apart, they’ve managed to find each other and create a new life for themselves after the war.Now, though, they are being asked to turn their lives upside-down to help an ex-Stormtrooper and his children.  Old wounds will be reopened as Poe and Finn try to navigate this new situation.They both simply want a normal life…if that is even possible.COMPLETE





	1. The Call

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place roughly four years after the events of [Hope.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10799481?view_full_work=true)
> 
> While I think you can follow this story without having read Hope, some references and characters probably won’t make as much sense without having read it. If you’d like to try this fic without reading that one, though, I have some notes at the end of this chapter to help you.
> 
> Also, as with Hope, I feel the need to put a disclaimer on this fic or at least state up front that this is a fic about dealing with the aftermath of trauma and facing new traumatic situations. While Poe and Finn are doing better than they were in Hope, they are still healing, and as new situations arise, they (and other characters) won’t always be acting nicely. That means this story features people being angry, hurt, and scared and sometimes not acting in the healthiest of ways as a result. Sometimes these characters will be bumbling and/or doing/saying the wrong things. Sometimes they are jerks; in other words, despite the best of intentions, there will be times when they are messing things up. These aren’t perfect people.
> 
> So if you want a fic where the characters are nice or always doing the right thing, this is not the fic for you.
> 
> Finally, please mind the tags.

 

 

**10 years after Starkiller...**

Poe wiped his hands on his pants as he sat down at the comm terminal.  “Just a minute,” he muttered as he started inputting the code to receive.  Thankfully, he could do it by memory and he didn’t have to look.  “Who in the kriff is even…”  He tilted his head up and squinted.  He was never going to admit that his eyesight was slowly getting worse, not until he had to.  “Jess?”

 

“Poe,” Jess said.  “I’m glad I caught you.  Couldn’t remember the time shift to Yavin.”

 

“Well, it’s the middle of the day, and some of us work for a living,” he said, a laugh clear in his tone.

 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”  There was suddenly a chorus of beeps on her end.  She looked down and muttered something and then turned back to the comm.  “Bee says hello.”

 

“Buddy,” Poe said loudly.  “How are you?”

 

[Friend-Jess won’t let me sit in her lap].

 

Poe laughed.  “I can’t blame her, buddy.  You’re a bit heavy.”

 

[And how much do you weigh now, Friend-Poe?]

 

Jess tried to hide her smirk.  She turned and shooed Bee away from the terminal.  “Bee misses you.”

 

Poe took a deep breath.  He didn’t have a response to that that wouldn’t make him tear up, so he simply nodded.

 

Jess seemed to sense the change in mood.  “Um, I was actually hoping to talk to Finn if he’s around.  We’ve had something come up and…”  She pressed her lips together.  “You’re welcome to listen in too, of course.”

 

Poe frowned.  Since the war, Finn had done the occasional odd job for the military or Leia’s government, but in the past year, those sorts of calls had trickled down to nothing.  “Um, give me a minute, okay?”

 

“Sure.”

 

Poe got up and jogged to the back garden.  Finn and Kes were talking with Frina about their plans for an expansion next year.  The Dameron Ranch just kept getting bigger and bigger.  “Finn,” Poe called out.  “Jess wants to talk to you.”

 

That elicited concerned looks from all three of them.  Finn whispered something to Frina and Kes and started towards Poe.  Poe wasn’t surprised when Kes handed his datapad to Frina and followed his son-in-law inside.  “I said _Finn_ , dad, not Kes.”

 

Kes shook his head.  “If something’s up, I want to know about it.”  He waved at Jess’ blue form on the comm terminal.  “Hello, Testor.”

 

“Kes,” she said, clearly annoyed that this was becoming a family affair.

 

Finn smiled as he sat down.  “Hey, Jess, what’s up?”

 

“Uh, so we have a situation here,” Jess said.  “With a Stormtrooper.”

 

“Yeah,” Finn asked, leaning forward.  There’d been a time when many of his duties had been assisting defecting Stormtroopers and then, immediately after the war, helping to deal with the thousands of Stormtroopers suddenly without a First Order to fight for.  But over the years, hundreds of other Stormtroopers had defected and by the end of the war, he was one of many ex-Stormtroopers working for the Resistance.  He was by no means the only Stormtrooper “expert” anymore.

 

“We got a message, about a week ago, from an ex-trooper living out on a farm on Er’kit.”

 

“Er’kit,” Finn asked.

 

“Desert,” Kes said.  “Think of Jakku but not as nice.”

 

Finn snorted and smiled up at his father-in-law.

 

Jess nodded.  “Yeah, not a fun place.  Anyway, this trooper sends us a message, trying to contact FN-2187.  We tell him you’re retired and living with your husband on Yavin.  He says he doesn’t care.  He’ll only talk to you.”  Jess sighs.  “We’ve traced the comm, and the best we can figure, it’s him and three kids out in the middle of nowhere.  Why he waited until five years after the war, I don’t know, but he’s insisting you talk to him.  In person.”

 

Finn leaned back for a moment.  “Did he give you his name?”

 

“Calls himself Maddy.”

 

Finn shook his head.  He didn’t know anyone by that nickname.  “Did he say what this was about?”

 

“No,” Jess said.  “And look, I wouldn’t even be contacting you with this except…”  She spoke in a low voice.  “He sounded scared.”

 

Finn felt a shiver course through him.  _It could be anything.  It doesn’t mean they’re rebuilding_.

 

Poe put a hand on Finn’s shoulder.  “What exactly are you asking, Testor?”

 

“I’d like to see if Finn—purely on his own as a concerned citizen—would fly over to Er’Kit and have a talk with this Maddy.”

 

Kes snorted.  “You can’t be serious!”

 

“Dad,” Poe started.

 

“You’re going to tell me that this doesn’t sound like some sort of trap,” Kes asked.

 

“No, but—”

 

“Guys,” Finn said, raising his hands.  He turned to the comm.  “Send me the coordinates and I’ll leave in the next few days.”

 

Kes huffed out his displeasure.

 

“I’m going with you,” Poe said.

 

Jess, Kes, and Finn all made noises at that. 

 

“No,” Poe said.  “He’s my husband and I’m going with him.”

 

“I really don’t think that’s a good idea, son.”

 

“I have to agree with your old man on that one,” Jess said.

 

“Well, thanks for the input guys, but I’m going.”

 

“Poe,” Finn said turning.  “This guy is an ex-trooper specifically asking for me, and while I understand—”

 

“You said there were kids there, yes?”

 

“Yeah,” Jess said.

 

Poe said, “I’ll hang out with the kids while you talk to Maddy.”

 

Finn considered it for a moment.  “Okay.”

 

Both Kes and Jess made noises.

 

“Hey, is this my op or not,” Finn asked.

 

“Fine,” Jess said.

 

“Not like anyone listens to me anyway,” Kes grumbled, walking out of the room.

 

“Great,” Finn said.  “I’ll be in touch, Jess.”  He punched the button and disconnected the feed.  He turned to see where Kes had gone and then turned back to Poe.  “Okay, tell me what’s going through that head of yours.”

 

“I’m not letting you go in there alone.”

 

Finn shook his head.  “My guess is that Jess is going to have someone just out of atmo in case I’m in trouble.”

 

“I don’t care.  If this is a trap, I’m walking into it with you.”

 

Finn frowned.  “It’s not a trap.”

 

“Good,” Poe said.  “In any case, I’m still walking in there with you.  Tell the guy Poe Dameron is coming too,” he said, making air quotes around his name.

 

Finn laughed.  “I love it when you talk about yourself in the third person.”

 

Poe kissed Finn’s forehead.  “You hate it, but that’s okay.”  He started back towards the garden.  “When do we leave?”

 

“As soon as possible,” Finn said.  He stayed in the chair, watching Poe walk back out into the sunlight.  _What do you want with me, Maddy?_

 

**# # # #**

 

It had been five years since the end of the war and two since Finn and Poe had traded rings in an intimate ceremony in the back garden.  Finn tapped the silver band on his finger against the console of the small transport, waiting as Poe and Kes had one last argument over their trip.

 

He heard Poe yell out a gruff, “Goodbye,” before stomping forward.

 

In Finn’s first few years on the Ranch, flying had been a touchy subject with Poe—until they discovered that he still had the hands for it, if not the eyes.  Then, Poe and Finn had worked out an arrangement that had allowed Poe to get back into the air: Poe was technically the pilot, but Finn was always there as co-pilot and he had last say on anything they did.

 

Finn smiled.  They both knew that in reality what that meant was that Finn flew while Poe pushed a few buttons and kept his hands on the controls, but even that little bit of reconnection with flying had done wonders for Poe.  Finn reflected, _sometimes, it’s the little things that kept a being happy_.  And Finn would do just about anything to make his husband happy.

 

Poe sunk into the pilot’s seat.  “He’s so kriffing overprotective and—”

 

“Poe,” Finn said, in as soothing a tone as he could manage.  “He loves us and he’s worried.  Heck, if the situation were reversed would you let him go traipsing out to the middle of nowhere to talk to a mysterious stranger?”

 

“Hell no.”

 

Finn laughed.  “Then, let him have this, okay?”

 

“Fine,” Poe grumbled.  He then moved his hands forward. 

 

Finn watched as Poe’s entire body relaxed as he touched the metal of the control board.  _The little things_ , Finn thought with a smile.

 

“You do pre-flight already?”

 

“Yep,” Finn said, starting the transport up.

 

“You ready?”

 

“Yep,” Finn said, watching Poe’s hands as they flipped switches and pushed buttons.  _So kriffing beautiful._

 

“Then, let’s do this,” Poe said, the excitement clear in his voice.

 

**# # # #**

 

Poe knew, deep down, that Finn was the one doing the heavy lifting, but every single kriffing time they took off, he couldn’t help but feel as if he were still a kid, racing along in his mom’s A-wing.  Even though it never lasted, that small thrill was…  It was one of the best things in his life.  He looked over at his husband, who was busy fiddling with the nav system.  _Thank the maker for you._

 

“Huh,” Finn asked, as he flipped a switch.

 

“Nothing,” Poe said, turning back to face the inky view in front of them.  “Just waiting for you to input the coordinates so we can get going.  Sometime today hopefully?”

 

Finn chuckled.  “We’ll see…”

 

**# # # #**

 

“Now, we’re clear that this is my op,” Finn said, his hand hovering over the button to lower the ramp.

 

“Yeah, Finn, crystal clear.”

 

“I mean it, Dameron.”

 

Poe’s voice held absolutely no sarcasm as he said, “You say _jump_ , I say _how high_.”

 

Finn chuckled.  “Well, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”  He leaned over and kissed his husband on the cheek as he pressed the button.

 

Er’kit was a desert planet, and the wind whipped up the rusty-colored sand in a plaintive whine as they descended the ramp.  “Perfect,” Poe muttered.  “Let’s just set the mood.”

 

“Calm down, Dameron,” Finn whispered.  Although to be honest, it was a little creepy.

 

About twenty yards away, a man about Kes’ age stood with three children.  One looked to be nine or ten.  One was a few years younger than that and one might have been four or five.  Finn looked at Poe, who nodded.  _This is a friendly visit.  Until it isn’t.  But priority number one is keeping those kids safe_.  Poe sighed.  It had been nearly a decade since he’d really been a solider and he wasn’t used to this kind of adrenaline coursing through his system.  _Finn’s got this.  Finn’s amazing, and he’s got this, and I’m gonna be fine._

 

_Focus on the kids._

 

It had been Finn’s idea.  As soon as Poe had announced he was coming, Finn knew that he was going to have some level of anxiety, so he suggested Poe focus his energy on the children, either distracting them while Finn and Maddy talked or protecting them should things turn south. 

 

Finn took a deep breath.  _But they aren’t going to go south_.  He knew it in his gut.

 

Finn raised his hand in a wave as they got closer and then stopped and threw a Stormtrooper handsignal for “friendly.”  He smiled as he watched the man across the way relax.

 

“FN-2187?”

 

Finn nodded.  “Yeah.  I’m Finn now.  Finn Dameron.”  He pointed to Poe.  “And this is my husband, Poe Dameron.”

 

“Starkiller Poe Dameron?”

 

Poe bristled at the title, but somehow found his voice.  “Yeah, but that was a long time ago.”

 

“I heard you died,” the other man said.

 

“Yeah, I did for a while there.”

 

The man gave a mirthless chuckle and stepped forward.  The oldest of the children grabbed the other two closer to him, a move that neither Poe nor Finn missed.  When Finn and Poe got close enough, he held out a hand, “MD-1159.  Maddy.”

 

“Good to meet you, Maddy,” Finn said.

 

The wind picked up again and Maddy started coughing.  He turned his face to shield it from the sand.  “Come on inside.  It’s murder out here.”

 

Poe and Finn shared a quick glance—one that Maddy didn’t miss.  He shook his head.  “I don’t mean you no harm.  I…”  His coughing started up again.  “I just mean to talk to you is all.”  He turned and started for a small building behind him. 

 

Finn and Poe followed him in silence, but Finn could sense Poe’s anxiety getting worse.  He reached over and grabbed his husband’s hand.  “We’ve got this,” he whispered.

 

Poe squeezed his hand.  “Yes, we do,” he said back.

 

The building was mainly full of equipment, but on one side was what Poe guessed passed for Maddy’s home.  There were four cots and some crates with a small portable heating device in the middle.  “It’s not much, but we’ve done okay,” Maddy said as they walked towards the crates.  “Haven’t we, Cass?”

 

The oldest child nodded, his grip on the other two iron clad.

 

Maddy pointed to the three children.  “The oldest, he’s Cass.  CS-0903.”  A dark-haired boy with black eyes nodded to them.

 

“Good to meet you, Cass,” Poe said.

 

“Hi, Cass,” Finn said.  His voice caught on the name.  _Baby Stormtroopers_ , he realized.

 

“The next one, ze is Xan.  XN-4657.”  A sandy-haired child with green eyes held up a hand in a wave.

 

“Hi, Xan,” Poe said.

 

“Hello, Xan,” Finn said.

 

“Hello,” came a tiny voice in response.  “Are you really FN-2187?”

 

Finn laughed.  “Yes, I am.”  He nodded to Poe.  “But he couldn’t handle our designations, so he started calling me _Finn_ and it stuck.”

 

Xan smiled.

 

“And the youngest is Lou.  Say hello, Lou.”

 

“Hello,” a girl with dark curly hair said.

 

“Hi, sweetheart,” Poe said.  She smiled.

 

Finn turned to Maddy.  “No designation?”

 

Maddy nodded to some crates.  He pushed himself up on one and Lou pulled out of Cass’ hand and crawled up into his lap.  Xan and Cass sat on the crate next to him.

 

Finn and Poe leaned against a crate across from them.

 

“No, no designation.”  He looked at the little girl.  “Should I tell them or should you?”  She pointed to Maddy.  “Me?”  She nodded.  He turned to Poe and Finn.  “Well, as you might have guessed, we’re all Stormtroopers here.”  He turned his head away from Lou and coughed.  “I worked at a facility on Jabiim.”

 

“Training facility,” Finn asked.  He was quickly going through his mental catalog of all known Stormtrooper training facilities and Jabiim wasn’t on his list.

 

“Not exactly,” Maddy said.  “Those places were mostly for the ones they kidnapped.”

 

Finn tensed.  _I am not going to like what he’s about to say._

 

Poe felt himself get strangely calm as he realized Finn was not okay.  He snaked his hand over and put it on top of Finn’s.  _We’ve got this_ , he thought at his husband.

 

Maddy said, “The facility on Jabiim was…they were trying to build the next generation of Stormtroopers.  It was genetic experiments and cloning.”

 

“Kriff,” Finn said.  He felt as if someone had punched all the air out of his lungs. 

 

Poe wrapped his hand around Finn’s.

 

“Yeah,” said Maddy.  He looked down at Lou and kissed her forehead.  “They were trying to breed us to be smarter, faster.  Rumors were that they were even going to try to create force-sensitive troopers.”

 

Finn moved his hand out of Poe’s, curling it into a fist.  Poe scooted closer to his husband.

 

“Anyway, I was a guard there, and the day we get the comm that the Order has surrendered, there was a panic.”

 

“A panic,” Poe asked.

 

Maddy nodded.  “We were a secret facility.  Doing all sorts of illegal things and…”

 

“And the chances were good that the Order was going to want to destroy all the evidence,” Finn said in a detached voice.

 

“Oh kriff,” Poe said, suddenly wanting to hug each of the children.

 

Maddy coughed again and then cleared his throat.  “Sorry about that.  Been getting worse the past year or so.”  He gave another quick cough and then said, “Like I said, I was a guard, but me and a few others, we knew what that comm meant, knew we probably only had a few hours before what was left of the Order bombed the hell out of that place.  So a few of us decided to steal a transport and escape.”  He sighed, hugging Lou to him.  “I was working in the ward with the newborns.”  He nodded to the girl.  “And I figured, these kids, they didn’t sign up for any of this, so I grab one of them.”  He turned to look at Cass and Xan.  “And then I see this one come running down a hall with this one, so I put Lou in one hand and grab Cass’ hand with the other and take off.”  He closes his eyes for a moment, rocking back just a bit.

 

“Maddy,” Cass said in a soft voice.

 

“Yeah,” Maddy opens his eyes.  “Anyway, we get to the transport and manage to get out about ten minutes before the entire place blew.”  Maddy reaches up, wiping tears from his eyes.  “The pilot, her name was Lou.  LU-2463.  So, I named this one after her.”

 

Lou said, “They don’t give you designations until you’re three months old.”  She held up three fingers.

 

Finn nodded, wiping his eyes.  “We never knew.”  He pushed off the crate and started pacing.

 

“Didn’t figure you did,” Maddy said.

 

“Why get in touch now,” Poe asked, hoping that Finn was going to _calm the hell down_.

 

Maddy leaned over with a groan and put Lou down.  “Kids, why don’t you go and play for a little bit, okay?”

 

Cass nodded and herded the other two towards the far end of the building.

 

Maddy started coughing again.  Poe pushed off the crate.  “Can I get you something?  A drink or…?”

 

Maddy shook his head.  “No, son.  Thanks, though.”  He looked over at Finn.  “You good?”

 

Finn stopped.  “We didn’t know about that base.  Who knows how many…”  He hit his thigh and started pacing again.

 

Poe wanted to go to him, but he’d learned over the years to let Finn walk off his anger whenever possible.

 

Maddy turned back to Poe.  “I don’t know if you know Jabiim, but it’s all mud.  Damn place was…it rained all the kriffing time, and I’m not being cute.  It was literally always raining on that planet.”  He ran a hand over his chest.  “Those of us who were stationed there, it did something to us.”  He took a deep, labored breath and then laughed.  “That’s one of the reasons I had Lou drop us off here.  Exact opposite of that hell-hole.  Thought it might help with the…”  He pointed to his chest.

 

“How bad is it?”

 

“Don’t know for sure,” Maddy said.  “But I’m starting to have more bad days than good.”  He turned to Finn.  “Heard you’d retired and joined up with an ex-solider who took in refugees.  And…”  His eyes almost seem to pierce into Finn.  “The rumors were that you were a good sort, that you…That your word could be trusted.”

 

Finn walked over to Maddy.  “Yeah.  Always.”

 

Maddy leaned in and whispered to Finn and Poe.  “If I went to the government, I know the first thing they’d do is either split the kids up or at the very least, take them away from me.”  His eyes were pleading as he turned to look at Poe.  “I can’t…”  He shook his head.  “That can’t happen.”

 

“No,” Poe said, on instinct.  “We won’t let it.”

 

Finn looked to his husband and smiled.  _Always thinking with your heart_.  “Maddy, what do you need from us?”

 

“I need to know that when I’m gone, you’ll watch after my kids.”

 

**# # # #**

 

Finn was pretty sure he was living in an alternate reality.  _I died on Starkiller.  I died on Starkiller and this is some bizarre dream._

 

Poe recovered first.  “Uh, you…”  He breathed out and then shook his head.  “I’m sorry, what?”

 

“I know that it’s a lot to ask, especially as you don’t know me, but…”  He looked over at the kids—Xan and Lou were playing, Cass was supervising, keeping a keen eye on Poe and Finn.  “They’re all I’ve got and I can’t…  When I’m gone I don’t want them stuck here.”

 

Poe nodded, looking over at the three children, overwhelmed with the need to hug them and tell them that everything was going to be okay.

 

“Ummmm, we’re gonna need a few…”  Finn was already grabbing Poe’s shoulder and pulling him away.

 

Maddy nodded.  “Go and talk.  I’ll be here.”

 

Finn drug Poe to the far side of the building.  “Did he just ask us to adopt his kids?”

 

“I think it was more…”  Poe stopped and thought for a moment.  “Yeah, he totally just asked us to adopt his kids.”  He looked back over at Maddy, who was slowly making his way towards Cass and the others.  He suddenly knew what his answer was going to be.  He turned to look at Finn.  _Now, to convince you._

 

“No,” Finn said as Poe opened his mouth.  “I know that look.”

 

“So, we’re just gonna leave them here?”

 

“Of course not,” Finn hissed.  “But you can’t think that we…”  He threw his hands up and walked away for a moment.  Then, he walked back.  “Poe, it’s taken us a long time to get to a place where we’re both relatively healthy and stable and…”  He looked over at Maddy and his family _.  What if I screw things up?  What if I lose them like I almost lost you?_   He turned back to Poe.  “We don’t know the first thing about raising kids!”

 

“And it’s not like there are any parents—or kids for that matter—on the Ranch,” Poe said. 

 

“Yeah, I really didn’t miss your sarcasm, you know?”

 

Poe chuckled.  He took Finn’s shoulders in his hands.  “Level with me, Dameron.  What’s going on in your head?”

 

 _That’s usually my line_ , Finn thought.  He sighed.  “I…”  He turned and looked at them.  “I’ve already failed them, Poe.  I don’t think I could handle doing it again.”

 

“What in the kriff are you talking about, failing them?”

 

“Poe, it was my job to find those facilities and help liberate them!  I never even heard about Jabiim before tonight!”

 

Poe took a deep breath.  He was about to wade into dangerous waters.  “Do you know how many Stormtroopers you rescued out of places like that?”

 

“Well, obviously not enough,” Finn said, pointing to Maddy and the kids.

 

“Banthashit,” Poe said.  “Stop it!  I will not have you blaming yourself for a First Order facility, Finn.  They’re the bastards here.  You’re the guy who broke their conditioning, saved everyone’s lives, and then worked to make sure no one else had to go through what you went through.  I will not have you feeling guilty because you missed one facility!”

 

Finn really wanted to yell back at Poe, but instead he put his forehead on Poe’s shoulder.  “I just…” 

 

Poe put his hand on Finn’s back.  “I know, sweetheart.”  He pulled him into a hug.  “You have the biggest heart of any being I’ve ever met.”

 

Finn nodded.  “Thanks,” came his muffled reply.

 

They stood there like that for a moment before Finn pushed back.  He quickly wiped his eyes.

 

“The best way we can honor the troopers who died at Jabiim is to help this man and his kids.”

 

Finn looked over to the family.  “You really think we’re up for adopting a family of Stormtroopers?”

 

Poe chuckled.  “Oh hell no.”  He wrapped a hand around Finn’s waist.  “I think we’re lucky that we can function as a married couple.”  Finn leaned into him.  “But, I don’t think anyone else is up for this job, either.”

 

“You sound like old Poe,” Finn said.

 

Poe leaned over so his cheek was on top of Finn’s head.  “Yeah, it’s freaking me out a bit too.”

 

“They’re gonna need therapy.”

 

“Yeah,” Poe said.  “Thankfully, I know all about that.”

 

“And we’re gonna need help.”

 

“That’s what Dad and Frina and everyone else are there for.”

 

They stood there in silence for a few minutes before Finn said, “So, we’re really gonna do this?”

 

“I think we are.”

 

“Kriff,” Finn said.

 

“Kriff,” Poe repeated.

 

 


	2. Welcome to the Dameron Ranch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From here on out, most chapters will jump back in time before resuming the main storyline. 
> 
> So just a quick reminder: Poe was captured at Selavris 18 months after Starkiller and the war ended 5 years after Starkiller.

 

 

**Three months after Starkiller…**

Finn frowned as he watched one of the Pathfinders two tables over push around the food on her plate.  Poe followed his line of sight and then looked back at Finn.  “Ummmm?”

 

Finn shook his head and refocused on his food.  “Just having one of those moments.”

 

“One of those moments?”

 

“First Order moment,” Finn whispered.

 

“Oh,” Poe said.  He leaned forward.  “Wanna talk about it?”

 

Finn glanced over at the Pathfinder and he nodded.  Poe spotted her.  “Yeah?”

 

“She’s not eating that.  She’s just pushing it around.  And in about ten minutes, she’s gonna get up and throw it away.”

 

Poe looked back at Finn with an eyebrow raised.

 

“She’s done it the last two times we’ve had the…”  Finn picked the green stuff up with his fork.  “Whatever this is.”

 

“Best not to ask,” Poe muttered.  He studied his own plate.  “You’re upset because?”

 

“She’s wasting food.”

 

“Oh,” Poe said.  “No food wasted in the Order.”

 

“No food in the Order,” Finn said, stabbing his fork a bit violently into the green stuff.  “You ate whatever they put in front of you—and it sure as hell wasn’t food.  Usually it was slurry or some sort of protein bar.  That was it.  Twenty-three years of…”  He shook his head.  “And she’s just throwing it away.”

 

Poe smiled.

 

“It’s not funny, Dameron.”

 

“No, it isn’t,” Poe said, shoving a forkful of the green stuff into his mouth.  “It’s just…”  He put down his fork.  “Lots of things I take for granted that,” he shrugged, “maybe I shouldn’t.”  He looked down at his plate.  “Used to give my dad hell about vegetables.  So many nights I refused to eat them.”

 

Finn closed his eyes.  “See, I just don’t get that.”

 

Poe shoved another forkful in.  “One of the privileges of freedom?”

 

“I guess,” Finn said, still frowning.

 

Poe nudged Finn’s leg with his foot under the table.  “One day in the future,” he smiled, “way in the future, I’m betting that you are going to leave something on your plate.”

 

Finn snorted.  “Yeah, we’ll see.”

 

Poe shook his head.  “I’ll take you to Yavin, give you some of my old man’s vegetables.  Then, we’ll see.”  Poe looked back down at his plate, shoveling in more of the green stuff.

 

Finn watched him, smiling.  _You want to take me home to meet your dad?_

 

Poe looked up.  “What,” he asked, his mouth half-full.

 

“Nothing,” Finn said with a soft smile.

 

**# # # #**

 

**10 years after Starkiller (week 0)…**

Finn was back in the transport talking to Jess.  Poe was sitting with Maddy, watching Cass, Xan, and Lou play.  “So how old are they,” Poe asked.

 

“Cass is ten.  Tough little thing, and strong too.  He’s my serious one.  Angry.”  Maddy gave a nervous little chuckle.  “Would’ve made a good Stormtrooper.”

 

Poe tried not to wince at that.

 

“Xan is eight.  Ze is…  Ze is brilliant.  Is already better than me at programming the equipment. I’m guessing before too long, ze will be hacking into off-world systems.”  He turned to Poe.  “Doesn’t like to be touched, though.  Doesn’t do well around lots of other beings, either.  Ze’ll tolerate Cass taking zirs hand, but that’s about it.” 

 

Poe nodded.  _Ze will fit right in on the ranch, then_. 

 

“Lou is…”  Maddy smiled.  “She’s five.  Best I can figure she was about three weeks old when we left.”  They watched as she stood and started spinning with her arms out.  “Can already speak three languages.  Picked up all my handsignals before she was two.  Knows things.”  Maddy sighed.  “But I’ve always felt out of my element with her.”  He shook his head.  “I feel like she needs more than this, you know?”

 

Poe made a non-committal noise as he stared at them, trying to imagine what would’ve happened to the kids had the First Order continued. 

 

Suddenly, he heard a harsh laugh and felt a cold metal table.  His blood pressure shot up.  He stood.  “I…I need some air.”  He rushed outside and closed his eyes _.  I’m okay.  They’re gone.  They can’t hurt me.  They can’t hurt anyone._  Poe squatted down, pulling his arms over his head, trying to get his breathing under control.

 

He fell backwards when he felt a hand on one of his arms.  “What?”  He scooted away on instinct.

 

Cass was standing there, wide-eyed, his hand frozen in mid-air.

 

Poe took a breath.  “Sorry,” he said.  “I…” 

 

“You okay,” Cass asked, slowly lowering his hand.

 

“Yeah,” Poe said.  He looked at the ground.  “I’m fine.”

 

The kid raised an eyebrow.

 

Poe slumped a bit.  _How do you tell a ten-year-old kid about panic attacks?_   “The First Order did some things to me and…”  Poe shook his head.  _And they fucked me up._

 

Cass nodded.  It was clear that he didn’t trust Poe or Finn, but he was contemplating what Poe had said.  “How?”

 

“How?”

 

“How’d they hurt you?”

 

Poe closed his eyes.  “Kid, I really don’t want to tell you that.”

 

“Why not?”

 

 _Because you’re ten and ten year olds shouldn’t know about things like torture._   Poe opened his eyes.  Cass looked so blasted angry.  _Fuck it._   “They tortured me.  Tried to recondition me.  Made it so I couldn’t trust my brain.”  He swallowed.  “Sometimes, when I remember, I panic.”

 

In the distance, Poe saw Finn coming off the ship.  Finn start running when he spied Poe and Cass.

 

Cass turned.  Seeing Finn, he stepped away from Poe. 

 

Finn called out, “You okay?”

 

Poe nodded.  “Panic attack.”  He waved off Finn.  “I’m fine now.”

 

Finn knelt next to him.  “You sure?”

 

“Yeah,” Poe said.

 

“You’re lying,” Cass said.

 

Poe’s eyes shot up to the boy.

 

“You’re still panting and your hands are shaking.”

 

Poe forced himself to smile.  “Fine.  I’m still coming off of it, but I know where I am and I’m not gonna faint or anything.”

 

Finn slowly held out a hand to put it on Poe’s shoulder.  “Can I?”

 

Poe nodded.

 

Cass looked confused, so Finn said, “Ask before touching.”

 

Cass seemed to relax a bit.  “Same with Xan.”

 

Finn helped Poe to his feet.  “You know why,” he asked Cass.

 

Cass shook his head.  “Always been that way.”

 

Finn nodded.  “Let’s go inside.” 

 

Cass led the way.  When they got inside, Poe pointed to a crate and went to curl up on it.  Cass turned to Finn, “Has he always been like that?”

 

Finn shook his head.  “No,” he finally said.  _He used to be the best pilot in the Resistance, fearless and stupid and…_ Finn shut his eyes for a moment.  “What they did, it changed him.”  _He’s still Poe, but…_

 

Cass studied Poe.  “Did they do that kind of stuff to us too?”

 

Finn’s whole being tensed as he realized that “us” meant Stormtroopers.  “Stuff?”

 

“He said there was torture and reconditioning.”

 

Finn took a deep breath.  Poe’s policy these days was usually to err on the side of honesty, but Finn wasn’t sure how honest he could be with this kid.  He looked down at him— _so kriffing serious._   _You’ve got the whole galaxy on your shoulders, don’t you?_   “Yeah, they tortured Stormtroopers.  And reconditioned us.  It wasn’t exactly like what they did to Poe, but…”  For some reason, he thought about HT-8561—an otherwise unremarkable Stormtrooper, but the first one Finn could remember coming back from reconditioning markedly different.  “They didn’t think of us as human.  We were just weapons to them.”

 

Cass nodded, as if this wasn’t completely news to him.  He turned towards Xan and Lou.  “That’s why you protect your own.”

 

Finn nodded.  “Yeah.  As best you can.”  Finn thought of Slip and Zeroes and Nines.  His chest felt tight.  _I failed them.  All of them_.  He took in a quick breath.  _I’m gonna fail you too, aren’t I?_

 

Cass' voice startled Finn.  “Maddy’s sick,” he said.

 

“Yeah, he is.”

 

“And he isn’t gonna get better,” Cass said.

 

 _Fuck.  Why do I have to be the one to…_   Finn took a breath.  “Probably not.  But we’re gonna take him to a doctor on Yavin and see.”

 

“What about us,” Cass asked.

 

“You’ll be coming too,” Finn said.

 

“And then what?”

 

“You’re gonna stay with us on the ranch.”

 

Cass nodded.  He crossed his arms.  “What if we want to stay here?”

 

 _Oh, this is so above my pay grade._   “Well,” Finn said.  “I can appreciate that, but for now, I think it needs to be wherever Maddy goes, you and Xan and Lou go too.”  _Poe, you’re the one who wanted to deal with the children.  Could you please get better and come over here?_   Finn looked at his husband, who was now sitting up on the crate doing his breathing exercises and felt profoundly guilty.

 

Cass nodded grimly.

 

Finn looked at him, wishing he knew what to say.  “It’ll all work out in the end,” he said finally.

 

Cass frowned.

 

_Fucking hell, what have we agreed to?_

 

**# # # #**

 

Finn’s hands tensed on the controls as they lowered the ship onto the landing pad.  At the current moment, Jess and her troops were investigating Maddy’s claims about Jabiim, Kes was preparing four rooms at the main house at the Ranch, Poe was actually giggling with glee as the ship shuddered into its landing, and there were three children in the back sulking because they were mad at Poe, Finn, and Maddy for taking them away from the only home they’d ever really known.

 

Finn closed his eyes as Poe powered down the ship.  _Remember the good old days before life got so kriffing complicated?_

_Yeah, and when exactly was that,_ he asked himself.  Finn suddenly wondered what Phasma would think of all of this.  He laughed and shook his head.

 

“What,” Poe asked.

 

“Just reminding myself that no matter how stressful my life is, it’s still _my_ life.”

 

“The kids will get over it.”

 

“You sure about that?”

 

“It takes time.  Right now, they’re scared.”

 

Finn nodded.  He could understand that.  He stood up.  “So, you ready for this?”

 

Poe stood and stretched.  “Finn,” he reached out and took Finn’s arm, “we’re gonna make this work.  I promise.  We’ve got this.”

 

Finn shook his head, reaching up and pulling Poe into a sweet kiss.  “I love it when you get all optimistic.”

 

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m still gonna need a good hour alone with Mom’s A-wing later.  I just…”  Poe shook his head.  “I don’t know.”

 

Finn pulled him into a hug.  He was pretty sure that Poe was feeling anxious and excited and hopeful and terrified and…  _Basically everything I’m feeling_.  “We’ll make it work,” Finn said, pressing a quick kiss to Poe’s cheek.  “We’ve got this.”

 

“We’ve got this,” Poe repeated, wishing he could sound as sure as his husband.

 

**# # # #**

 

The children stood at the top of the ramp, blinking in the sun.  Lou turned to Xan.  “It’s heavy here.”

 

Cass said, “Humidity.”

 

“We’re in the jungle now,” Maddy said, coming up behind them.  “More moisture in the air.”  He wheezed a bit as he breathed, but he wasn’t coughing, so he took it as a win.

 

“Hello,” said a voice from the other end of the ramp.  “You must be Maddy.  I’m Kes.  Kes Dameron.  Welcome to the Dameron Ranch.  This,” he said, nodding towards the Twi’lek standing next to him, “is Frina.  She helps run the place.”

 

“Hi,” Frina said.  She smiled up at the children and then turned to the pre-teen standing next to her.  “And this is Lu, who insisted on being here to meet you.”

 

“Hi,” Lu said, barely containing her energy. 

 

“I’m Lou,” said the smallest of the children.

 

“Me too,” Lu said with a smile.  “I guess we’re twins!”

 

Lou seemed to consider this for one serious moment before breaking into a huge smile.  “I have a twin,” she told Xan and Cass. 

 

Xan smiled.  “So it would seem.”

 

Cass rolled his eyes.  “Is it always this hot?”

 

“Yep,” Poe said, moving past the children and coming down the ramp.  “Hot and humid and miserable.  Ain’t it wonderful,” he said, pulling his dad into a hug.  “Told you we’d be okay,” he whispered into the old man’s ear.

 

“You call this okay,” Kes whispered back.  He pulled out of the hug to reach over to pull Finn into a quick one.  “Glad you’re safe,” he said to him.

 

“Glad to be back,” Finn said.  He turned to Maddy and the kids.  “Kes and Frina have set up rooms for you in the main house.  That’s where Kes and Poe and I live.  Most of the other beings have moved into the other houses we’ve built.”

 

Frina pointed to a structure off to the west.  “That big one over there is where most of us live.  We’ll be expanding during the off season because some of the families are getting bigger and we still get the occasional refugee.”

 

“Refugee,” Cass asked.

 

“Beings that are displaced, don’t have a place to call home,” Frina said.  “Pretty much everyone here is from somewhere else originally.”

 

Cass nodded.  He scanned the property.  “What’s that,” he asked.

 

“Storage sheds,” Poe said.  “I keep my Mom’s ship in the big one.  We store stuff in the others.”

 

Maddy walked next to Kes.  “Quite an operation you have here,” he said.

 

“I’m just the rancher.  Poe’s the one who likes to take in strays.”

 

Maddy laughed.  “Well, he had to get it from somewhere.”

 

Kes smiled.  “His late mama.  She was…”  He shook his head.  “This would’ve been just her thing.”

 

Maddy nodded.  “Still, I want to thank you for taking me and mine in.”

 

“No problem, Maddy.”

 

They reached the door to the house.  Finn looked at Lu and Frina.  “Why don’t you show Maddy and the kids their rooms?  I’m going to go check in with Jess.” 

 

Kes said, “And when you’re done looking at your rooms, I’ll have lunch ready.”  He nodded to Poe.  “Why don’t you help me get the table set?”

 

Poe groaned.  “You know I joined the Academy so I’d get to stop setting the table.”

 

“Too bad,” Kes chuckled.  He waved to the kids.  “See you in a few!”

 

Poe watched as Finn went into the small room where they kept the comm terminal. 

 

“Poe,” Kes said.  “Let him do this.”

 

“I just...”  He followed his dad into the kitchen.  “He’s upset that there was a Stormtrooper facility that they missed.”

 

“Yeah, I suspected as much.”  He started handing Poe plates and utensils.  “He needs to work through this in his own time, mijo.”

 

Poe took a deep breath.  “Yeah.”  He walked to the long table in the dining room.  “I feel like that should be our motto, you know?  Come to the Dameron Ranch where everyone’s working through their shit.”

 

Kes chuckled, watching Poe put the plates and utensils down.  It was so kriffing normal, and yet, four or five years ago, it would’ve been unthinkable—Poe inviting people in, wanting to get involved.  Kes didn’t buy this old Poe / new Poe stuff that Poe seemed obsessed with.  It was all simply Poe to him.  But he did have to admit that parts of Poe’s personality that he’d thought were gone had been resurfacing lately.  _Have Finn to thank for a lot of that_ , he thought.  He closed his eyes and then tried to get a look into the comm room _.  Now, if I could just get him to calm the hell down._   He shook his head.  _My boys.  What in the kriff am I going to do with you two?_

 

“Dad,” Poe asked.  Kes hadn’t realized he’d finished with the table.

 

“Yeah,” Kes said.  “Sorry.  Lost in my head there for a minute.”

 

“Another great slogan for the ranch,” Poe said, reaching for cups.  Kes grabbed a few himself and helped Poe finish setting the table.

 

“So, what are they like?”

 

“The kids?”

 

“Yeah.  I think I have a handle on Maddy.”

 

Poe raised an eyebrow at that.

 

“Old solider, spent his life in the service.  Despite being a Stormtrooper, my guess is he’s probably a decent guy.”

 

“Most of them probably were,” Poe said, thinking about his own ex-Stormtrooper and frowning.  “What’s taking so long,” he muttered.

 

“He’ll be done when he’s done,” Kes said, moving back into the kitchen.  “Now, tell me about the kids.”

 

Poe followed and pushed himself up onto a counter.  “Cass is the oldest.  He’s tough, angry.” 

 

Kes nodded.  “The protector of the group.”

 

“Yeah,” Poe said, reaching for a piece of melon before Kes swatted his hand away.

 

“We’ll be eating in a few minutes.”

 

Poe stuck his tongue out at his father before continuing, “Xan is the middle child.  Ze is smart, like super smart.  I’m guessing we could let zir loose with the droids and ze would have this whole place running on a more efficient system in under a week.”

 

“Good to know,” Kes said, pulling food out.

 

“The little one is Lou.”

 

“We have two Lus now.”

 

“Little Lou and Big Lu?”

 

Kes shrugged.  “Best to let them figure that out.”

 

“She’s sweet.  Also smart.  Maddy seems to think the Order was trying to breed them that way.”

 

Kes stopped and took in a deep breath.  His hands splayed on the counter.  _Fucking breeding them?  Like animals?_  He forced himself to calm down before opening his eyes.  “We’ll need to see about schooling them.  I’m guessing there might be issues with sending them to the place in town?”

 

“Yeah, Xan doesn’t do well with touch or in groups, and I have a feeling Lou might be a bit shy around big groups of people, too.”

 

Kes nodded.  “Aloote was a teacher before she left Coruscant.  I’ll see if she might be interested.”

 

Poe nodded.  “But give them some time…”

 

“Of course, son.  I’m not going to overwhelm them their first week here.”

 

Finn came into the kitchen.  He didn’t look okay. 

 

“Finn,” Poe said.  He jumped off the counter and stood in front of his husband.

 

The sounds of Frina and the kids coming down the stairs interrupted them.  Kes moved, his hands on Finn’s and Poe’s shoulders.  “You two go talk.  I’ll handle lunch.”

 

They could hear Lou running into the dining room.  “Mister Kes!  I have my own room!”

 

Kes laughed.  “Yes, you do,” he said.  “Picked it out myself.”

 

Poe led Finn to the back door and they slipped out to the sounds of the group sitting down for lunch.  When they were far enough away from the house, he said, “What is it?”

 

Finn swallowed.  “They found the base.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Earliest estimate is approximately three hundred and sixty dead.”

 

“Fuck,” Poe said.  And then, as the reality of that set in,  _They were kids.  The Order bombed a bunch of kids.  They’d lost the war and they still…_   He grabbed Finn, drug him to the storage building.  He walked until he could feel his mother’s A-wing.  He pressed his forehead against it, his hand still bunched in Finn’s clothes. 

 

Poe took several deep breaths before he felt good enough to open his eyes.  And then the sound of Finn crying filtered into his perception.  He pulled Finn to him, wrapping his arms around him as they sunk to the ground.

 

“They were just kids.”

 

“I know,” Poe said, rocking them back and forth.

 

“Kids,” he said.

 

Poe knew from firsthand experience that revenge didn’t make things right.  It didn’t go back and erase past wrongs or suddenly fix your eyes or let you fly again.  But in this moment, he didn’t care.  He had a sudden, overwhelming urge to find every single member of the First Order and make them pay.  He wrapped his hands tighter around Finn and closed his eyes.  _Fuck the First Order.  Fuck them.  Fuck all of this._

 

**# # # #**

 

Kes looked around the table.  Just about everyone was nearly finished.  He leaned back.  “We don’t have a lot of rules here, but I figure I should tell you about the ones we do have.”

 

Cass’ eyes narrowed.  Lou and Xan looked nervous.

 

“The first is, don’t touch beings without permission.”  Xan immediately relaxed.  “Some beings are fine with it; some aren’t, so it’s better to know up front.  And definitely let other beings know if you don’t want to be touched.” Kes looked pointedly at Xan.  “They won’t be mad.  Just tell ‘em.”

 

“Second rule is be aware that some of the beings around here have hurts you can’t see.  Poe, for one, but he isn’t the only one.  Sometimes, these beings have panic attacks.  Sometimes, they just need to be alone.  No shame in that.  But if you see someone having anxiety, it’s always best to go find Finn or Frina or Dr. Archan or me.  We’ve all dealt with it and we know how to help.”

 

“Dr. Archan,” Cass asked.

 

“Treeno Archan,” Kes said, nodding to Lu.  “Her granddad and our resident doctor.”

 

“Sort of,” Lu said.

 

“Close enough,” Frina added.  “The doc can handle any minor bumps and bruises.  For anything bigger, we go into town.”

 

Lou asked, “Is it contagious?”

 

“What, sweetheart,” Kes asked.

 

“The hurts you can’t see.”

 

“No,” Kes said.  “You won’t catch anything.”

 

She nodded her head and Kes smiled.  “Other rule is not to touch any of the equipment without asking first.  This is a ranch.  We’ve got a lot of droids and machinery, and I’m fine if you want to take a look, but talk to me first.”

 

Frina laughed.

 

“What?”

 

“No,” she said.  “We’ve just had some folks learn the hard way that if you push the wrong button, you might be in a whole world of trouble.”  She looked around the table.  “Sometime have Lu tell you about the time she ended up covered in mud because she didn’t ask first.”

 

“Nearly broke my neck,” Lu said.

 

Lou took her hand and squeezed it. 

  
“Finally, if you need something, ask for it.  If you’re hungry, let one of us know.  You need shoes or a piece of equipment or some such, tell us.  We don’t have a lot of credits, but we make do and no one goes hungry at my Ranch.”  He pushed up from the table.  “Okay?”

 

The children nodded.

 

Kes said, “Maddy, I was going to take the kids around the property, show them what’s what.  Thought you might like to rest a bit after the journey?”

 

Maddy nodded.  “Thanks, Kes.  I would.”

 

Kes nodded to the great room.  “There’s a few couches and seats in there that I like.”

 

Maddy smiled.  “Think I’ll go check them out, then.”  He turned to the kids.  “Be good for Mister Kes, okay?”

 

“Okay,” Lou said brightly.  She rose, not letting go of Lu’s hand, and tugged Lu towards the door.

 

“I think I’m coming too,” Lu said with a smile.

 

Cass and Xan followed.

 

Frina said.  “Kes, I’m gonna clean up and then I’ll catch up with you.”

 

Kes said, “Thanks, Frina.  Could you also tell Finn and Poe where we are?”

 

Frina nodded.  Over the years, she and Kes had developed a shorthand of sorts.  Kes was worried about the boys and he wanted her to check on them.  “Will do.”

 

**# # # #**

 

They weren’t in their room and they weren’t in the garden.  _That means..._ Frina sighed.  The boys had patterns.  Usually, if Poe was stressed, he went to his mother’s A-wing or to the little memorial garden out back.  Everyone on the ranch knew that.  With Finn, there wasn’t a particular place, per se.  After some time in therapy, he’d stopped punching walls when he was upset.  Now, he paced or ran.  Typically, Frina would need to search the perimeter or just ask some of the beings working in the fields to keep their eyes open.  But if they were together and both anxious…

 

“Try the A-wing,” she said to herself.

 

She paused at the door to the building.  The two of them were sitting, wrapped around each other.  She was pretty sure they had been crying, but now, there was an eerie silence in the space.  She didn’t want to intrude but Kes would be getting anxious soon.  _We’re all too damn damaged for our own good,_ she thought as she made as much noise as possible walking in.

 

Finn leaned out of Poe’s arms a bit and looked up.  “Frina?”

 

“Kes was worried.”

 

Finn nodded.  He wiped his eyes and stood, reaching down to help Poe up.

 

Poe groaned as he rose.  “Just trying to process…”  He looked to Finn, who shook his head.

 

Frina started, “I don’t need to—” 

 

“No,” Poe said.  “It’s…  The base that Maddy’s from, Finn got the report back on casualties.”

 

Frina closed her eyes and muttered something under her breath.  A quick prayer, if Poe were guessing.  She put her hand on Finn’s shoulder.  “You okay?”

 

Finn nodded and then stopped.  “No.”

 

She looked at Poe with the same question in her eyes.

 

“I’m never okay.  I think we established that a long time ago.”

 

The three of them chuckled and some of the tension seemed to break. 

 

Frina pointed to the door and the three started walking.  “Kes is showing the kids around.  Maddy’s resting in the great room.  If I might make a suggestion?”

 

“Sure,” Poe said.

 

“Have Treeno come up and take a look at Maddy.  I know we’ll want one of the doctors from town to take a look and all, but Treeno’s got a good eye and he might be able to help during these first few days.”

 

“Good idea,” Poe said.  He took Finn’s hand and said to him, “Want to walk over there now?”

 

Finn knew his husband was coddling him, but as mad as he wanted to be about it, he couldn’t.  _I’d do the same damn thing if the tables were turned.  Hell, I probably have done the same damn thing hundreds of times._

 

“You don’t have to,” Poe said.

 

Frina interjected, “I’m gonna go join Kes and the kids, if you’d rather do that?”

 

“No,” Finn said.  “Walk might do me good.”  He squeezed Poe’s hand.  “Thanks, Frina.”

 

“Anytime,” she said, walking out towards the back gardens.

 

Finn nodded towards the Western House, as they called it, and the two started off in silence. 

 

About halfway there, Finn asked, “Does it ever piss you off when I try to take care of you?”

 

Poe laughed so hard, he had to let go of Finn’s hand for a moment.  He bent over, shaking his head, and then straightened up.  “Yes, sweetheart.”  He took a deep breath.  “Wow.  Of course, it pisses me off.  Sometimes, at least.  Heck, how many of the problems after I came back from Dr. Talan’s clinic were about me not wanting you to take care of me?”

 

 _All of them_ , Finn thought.

 

Poe gave him an over-exaggerated frown as if he could hear Finn’s thoughts.  “No, dear, not all of them.  But enough.”  He pointed at the path and started walking.  “Look, we were both trained to be self-sufficient, to take care of other people.  I didn’t want you wasting your life because—”

 

“It’s not wasting my life,” Finn said, vehemently.

 

Poe put a hand up and continued.  “I didn’t want you wasting your life because of me, AND it took me a long time to figure out that that’s not what this is about.”  He stopped and turned to face Finn.  “Look, I’m still messed up, and I’m gonna be in therapy until the day I die, but what I have figured out in the past few years is that I am worth your love—”

 

“You are,” Finn said. 

 

“And that for this,” he pointed between the two of them, “for this to work, I have to accept that love.  That means that sometimes you’re gonna take care of me and sometimes I’m gonna take care of you.”  He smiled.  “And truth be told, sometimes we’re gonna get on each other’s nerves worrying about shit.”

 

Finn looked into Poe’s eyes.  “Fuck,” he said.  “Hard to be annoyed when you’re saying stuff like that.”

 

Poe pulled Finn to him, kissing his forehead before nuzzling his shoulder.  “It’s okay to be upset about the base, sweetheart, but it wasn’t your fault.”  He stepped back.  “And I’m gonna keep reminding you that until it sinks in.”

 

“Is this what I sounded like after Leritor?”

 

“Yeah, pretty much.”  Poe hugged him again.  “Irritated the shit out of me.”

 

Finn smiled.  “I love you.”

 

Poe closed his eyes and let that wash over him.  “I love you too.”

 

**# # # #**

Later that night, Kes sat next to the little memorial garden, a bottle of rum someone gave him when he’d left the Pathfinders sitting next to him.  Since they’d opened up the ranch to refugees, it had become one of his rituals to come out here from time to time and sit next to the rock that Poe had polished for Shara and talk to her.

 

And he’d been feeling the need to come chat with her since the kids had stepped off the ship earlier in the day.

 

He took a long swig of the rum and then pulled a face.  “Damn!  I can’t even kriffing drink anymore.”

 

He could almost hear her laughter.

 

He shook his head and put the bottle down.  “Yeah, you’re one to talk.  Never could hold your liquor.  I’m amazed you made it out of the Academy alive, actually.”  He looked over at the little stone memorial.  “They brought back an old man and three kids today.”  He sighed.  “The guy’s name is Maddy.  Ex-Stormtrooper.  Seems like a good guy.”  He chuckled.  “But then, most of them are, aren’t they?”  His thoughts drifted to his son-in-law.  “He’s worried about something, Shara.  I…”  He frowned.  “It’s taken me five years to figure out how to handle Poe, but with Finn?  He’s just so damned…”  He picked up a rock and started turning it over in his hands.  “You’d love him.  I know I’ve already told you that a million times, but…”  He threw the rock up in the air and caught it.  “He’s smart, baby, and he’s so good.  Has the kind of heart that…”  He smiled.  “Of course, Poe finds a Stormtrooper who’s just as good-natured as him.”  He dropped the rock and leaned back, looking up into the night sky.  “I worry about him, though.  Finn, I mean.  He’s trying to be so strong…”

 

He could hear her voice in his head again.

 

“And yes, fine, he’s a lot like me, and yes, I understand that I can be stubborn and…”  He looked down, kicking at the dirt in front of him.  “I don’t know how to take care of him, Shara.”

 

Her answer was simple: _just be there for him, baby._

 

“I know,” he said.  “I just…”  He reached for the rum and then remembered how it burnt.  “I hate to see my boys hurting, you know?”  _And I really wish you were here, dammit_.  His head fell down between his knees.  _Why’d you have to go and die on me?_

Kes heard a noise and quickly wiped his eyes.  He looked up to see Frina slowly approaching.

 

“Thought you went back to the house already.”

 

She shook her head.  “Thought it might be wise to wait around until the kids were asleep.”  She sat down next to him.

 

“How’d that go?”

 

She sighed.  “Fine, I guess.”

 

Kes held up the bottle for her.

 

She shook her head.

 

Kes nodded.  “Gonna take some getting used to on all our parts.”

 

She pulled up her knees, rocking back and forth a bit.  “Treeno came by and looked at Maddy.”

 

“And?

 

Frina hugged her knees a bit tighter.  “It isn’t good.”

 

“Kriff,” Kes spat out.

 

“I’m pretty sure Maddy and the kids expected that, though.”

 

“We’re still gonna take him into town, right?  Get him checked out by the doctor there?”

 

Frina nodded.  “Poe said sometime next week, after everyone’s settled.”

 

“Fucking shit,” Kes whispered.  “This is just one big kriffing mess, isn’t it?”

 

“Yeah, looks that way.”

 

“Do Poe and Finn know?”

 

“I don’t think it’s a shock to them, either.”

 

Kes looked up.  _Shara, I could really use you right about now_.  He looked back at Frina.  “So that would account for Finn being all jumpy today?”

 

“Part of it.  He also heard back from Jess about the casualties from the facility on Jabiim and from what I can gather, it was bad.”

 

Kes blew out a long breath.  “Fucking First Order.”

 

“Exactly,” Frina said.

 

They sat there quietly for several minutes before Kes asked, “So does that mean that...”  He looked over at Frina.  “Are we adopting those kids, Frina?”

 

She hummed, thinking.  “I’m pretty sure Poe and Finn are, but yeah, I think the plan is for us to take them when Maddy’s gone.”

 

Kes slumped a bit.  _I don’t know that I’m ready for this._

 

Frina bumped her shoulder into his.  “I’m pretty sure we’re all thinking the same thing, Kes.”

 

“What in the kriff were they thinking?”

 

“That they didn’t want the government to split the kids up?  That it’s better to do a slow transition than to just…”  She shook her head.  “I don’t know.”

 

Kes leaned forward, pressing his chin to his knees.  He could feel his joints creak a bit.  “You ever wonder if there’s gonna come a time when it stops being like this?”

 

Frina put an arm around her friend.  “I prefer this to the alternative, Kes.”

 

“Well, there’s that,” he said, shaking his head.  A few more tears leaked out and he pressed his forehead to his knees.

 

“Honestly,” she said, standing, “I think we’re all tired and shell shocked and it’s just going to take some time.”  She offered Kes a hand and helped pull him up.  “Let’s get some sleep and see how things look tomorrow.”

 

Kes smiled and dusted himself off.  “Tomorrow,” he said, waving, as she started off toward the Western House.  He turned back to the memorial.  “You would’ve liked her too.”  He picked up the bottle of rum.  “Night, Shara.”  He slowly walked back to the house.

 

 


	3. Taking it all in

 

 

**Five months after Starkiller…**

Finn stretched his neck and peeled himself out of his shirt.  It was soaked through with sweat.  He quickly rummaged through their drawers—he and Poe had given up on separating their clothes after the first week of living together.  He grabbed a tank and pulled it on.  He looked at the chrono.  _Hangar?  Probably_.

 

He walked out and smiled as he spied Poe’s backside hanging out of an A-wing.  They’d inherited the ship from an ally a few days ago and Poe was trying to get her back into working condition.  Finn walked around the ship, smiling as he heard Poe humming something.  After about a minute, Poe switched to singing and Finn couldn’t help his grin _.  Just when I think you can’t get any sexier…_   He shook his head. 

 

Jess came over, wiping her hands on a rag.  “Ugh.”  She leaned on a crate next to Finn.  “Could you please dial down the heart eyes?”

 

Finn chuckled and looked at her.  “Are you hearing this?”

 

“Yeah, I’m sure it’s sexy if that,” she gestured vaguely at Poe’s very nice posterior and dangling legs, “is what you’re into, but…”  She shook her head.

 

“He’s got a great voice.”

 

“Oh yeah,” Jess said with a smirk, “I’m sure you’re here for the voice.”

 

The singing abruptly stopped and from inside the ship they could hear Poe say, “You two do know I can hear you, right?”  He poked his head up and smiled, grease covering his face.  “Hey Finn!”

 

“Urg,” Jess groaned.  “Seriously, when will the honeymoon period end with you two?  It’s way too sweet for the rest of us.”

 

Finn laughed.  “You sound like Rey.  When she gets back, you two should talk.”

 

Neither Finn nor Poe missed Jess’ blush at that.  “Yeah, well, uh…”  Jess started back towards the other end of the hangar.

 

Finn turned to Poe.  “Rey?”

 

Poe nodded, pushing himself up and off the A-wing.  “She ran into Rey at the obligatory _we all survived party_ after Starkiller and it was…”  Poe wiped his hands off on a rag.  “Well, it was awkward.  Lots of stuttering and staring and…”  He frowned.  “Rey hasn’t mentioned it?”

 

“Oh no, Rey’s managed to bring up Jess an embarrassing amount of times.  I just never knew it was a two-sided thing.”

 

“Oh, it is.  It totally is.”

 

Finn laughed.  “Good.  Rey deserves a little happiness.”

 

Poe leaned in.  “Never tell Testor I said this, but she does too.”

 

“My boyfriend is such a softie!”

 

Poe laughed, wrapping a hand around Finn.  “The softie-est!”

 

Finn nearly choked on that.

 

“But what are you doing here?  I thought you had the obstacle course all afternoon.”

 

“We finished early, so I thought I’d see what you were up to, and what I discovered is that you can sing.”

 

Poe blushed.  “Well, I mean…”

 

“Don’t even try that false modesty on me, Dameron.  I heard you.”

 

“I sing a little.”

 

“Why is this the first I’m hearing it?”

 

“Well, technically, it isn’t.”

 

Finn raised an eyebrow.

 

“I sang to you the first two nights you were in the med bay.”

 

Finn’s smile returned.  “You really are the softie-est.”

 

Poe groaned and started walking towards the mess.  “What say we have an early dinner and then I’ll give you a private concert back in our quarters?”

 

“You’re on, Dameron.”

 

**# # # #**

 

**10 years after Starkiller (week 1)…**

Frina stood in the great room of the main house, her hands on her hips.  For one brief moment, she remembered her ranch on Leritor.  Over the years, she’d accepted that it was gone, accepted that a lot of really bright lives had ended the day the Order attacked, but accepting those things didn’t mean she didn’t miss it.

 

It was hers, after all.

 

Here, at the Dameron Ranch, she had as much freedom as she wanted and Kes and Poe (and later Finn) had never tried to dictate how she should live.  In fact, she knew that she was as much in charge as any of them.

 

But it was still different.

 

Frina took a deep breath, looking around.  _So kriffing different._

 

She could hear Poe in the back garden with Lu; they were weeding and from the sounds of it, young Lou was following them around and pestering them with questions.  She smiled, noting that both Poe and Lu had much more patience than she would have.

 

Cass was currently stomping around the front yard.  Frina frowned and moved to one of the front windows to watch him.  She’d been around children enough to know when one was profoundly unhappy.  Kes stepped up next to her.  “He’s looking for a fight.”

 

“Yep,” she answered.

 

Kes sighed.

 

Frina turned.  She could hear Maddy making his way down the hall, calling for Xan.  “Maddy,” she asked, “There a problem?”

 

“Xan isn’t in zirs room,” he said before coughing.  “I think we’ve overwhelmed zir a bit.”

 

Frina nodded.  “Would it be better for me and Kes to go looking or you and Cass?”

 

Maddy hobbled over to the stairs.  “It would probably be better if it was me or Cass, but…”  He grunted as he started down. 

 

Frina shared a look with Kes, who said, “I’ll go with Cass.”  He walked out the door and soon, Frina could hear terse words being traded outside.

 

When Maddy made it down, Frina pointed to a seat in the great room.  She said, “You want something to drink?  Eat?”

 

Maddy nodded, making to push himself back up.

 

“No.  I’ll bring it in here.  No worries.”

 

Cass came in the front door.  He spotted Maddy.  “How long do we hafta stay here?”

 

Maddy cleared his throat.  “We’re here for a while, Cass.”

 

“Xan hates it.”

 

“Xan will get used to it.”

 

“I hate it.”

 

“You’ll get used to it.”

 

Frina brought a plate of breakfast and a drink and set them on the table in front of Maddy.

 

“And the food is weird,” Cass said.

 

Frina gave the child an unimpressed look and turned to Maddy.  “Let me know if you want anything else.”

 

“Thanks, Frina,” Maddy said.  He then fixed a long stare on his son.  “I know you don’t like this, but it’s how it has to be.  The Damerons and Frina have been very generous opening up their house for us—”

 

“But I don’t want to—”

 

“Cass,” Maddy yelled.  He immediately started coughing.

 

Cass’ eyes flared with concern.

 

Maddy took a long drink then said, “You’re going to have to find a way to make this work.”  His features softened.  “Please.”

 

“Whatever,” Cass said, stomping out of the room.  He went back out front.

 

Kes came in.  “Everything okay?”

 

“Cass is upset,” Maddy said.  “Any luck with Xan?”

 

“No,” Kes said.

 

“Ze’ll turn up.”

 

**# # # #**

 

Finn bit his cheek as he re-read Jess’ report.  The installation on Jabiim had been fairly thoroughly trashed—and that had been five years ago—but they still had a pretty good idea of the scope of the operation.  Finn kept reading the estimated numbers, asking himself, _how did I miss this?_

 

And then, Jess had sent a message this morning: a few files had survived.  Jess forwarded them, and they were truly frightening.  Genetic experiments.  New drugs to make Stormtroopers impervious to pain.

 

Finn shook his head and stood.  His hands were shaking.

 

He put down his datapad and paced the room. 

 

 _I didn’t help them_ , he kept thinking.

_Hundreds of children dead._

_And I didn’t help them._

_Why didn’t I…I should’ve found this place._

_I didn’t help them._

 

**# # # #**

 

When they’d first opened the Ranch, everyone lived at the Main House, but over the years, they’d needed to expand.  There were a few smaller houses scattered around the property, but they eventually built the Western House, which was a huge space that stood on a small rise near the center of the farming operation and accommodated about twenty families.

 

As most everyone worked, in some capacity, in the fields, which were almost all to the North, West, and South of the Main House, the Western House was the center of most of the activity on the ranch.  This meant that there were always beings and droids and all manner of noise and business going on in the area.

 

Xan stood, mouth slightly open, watching all of it unfold in front of zir.

 

Since ze was a small child, Xan had shrunk away from touch.  Ze still remembered zirs Stormtrooper training with a shudder—how any infraction, no matter how small, resulted in yelling and often, slaps or…even worse.  That was why ze found it easier to relate to the world from behind a screen or datapad.  Beings were far less unpredictable and volatile on a screen.

 

And while the Damerons and Frina had made it clear that ze could stay in zirs room as much as ze wanted, Xan was scared of this new place, mainly because ze didn’t have a sense of it.  Kes had taken them on a quick tour, but Xan still couldn’t wrap zirs head around the ranch.  Ze hated to be in the middle of what amounted to a large, blank map.

 

Xan wanted to make this place less terrifying, but until ze could hack into the security systems, which would take about a week, ze had no sense of the scope of the place, where things were. 

 

And with every passing day that not knowing was making Xan’s anxiety worse.

 

So, early that morning, Xan had sucked in a deep breath and wandered out.

 

Xan’s plan had been to stick to less populated parts of the ranch, but as ze got closer to the Western House, ze realized that that might be impossible.  There were beings everywhere.  Some were fixing equipment.  Others were cleaning or playing with children.

 

It looked happy.

 

It looked normal.

 

Xan found zirself watching, marveling at how easy things seemed here.  These beings weren’t locked inside during a dust storm.  They weren’t screaming awake, memories of their lives as Stormtroopers making them sweat and cry.  They weren’t yelling or shrinking away from each other’s touches.

 

Xan’s breath caught as ze stared, trying to take it all in.

 

**# # # #**

 

Kes had ended up conscripting Finn and Poe into his search for Xan, smiling as he heard Poe mutter, “I don’t know why you need me out here.  Not like I can see anything.”

 

“You can see enough,” Kes replied.

 

“I’ll help you,” Lou said, tugging on Poe’s hand. 

 

Lu came up beside her.  “Who needs good eyes when you’ve got the two Lous to back you up.”

 

Poe chuckled.  “You two are a menace.”

 

Finn and Kes quickly pulled ahead of Poe and the girls, and it was Finn who first spotted zir, hiding behind some crates, spying on the Western house.  “Xan,” Finn called out.

 

The child turned, eyes wide.

 

“Xan, are you okay,” Finn asked.

 

Xan bolted, running across the open space in front of the house towards the fields.

 

“Kriff,” Finn said.  He started jogging after zir.

 

And at first, he was merely annoyed, but then, when he figured out where Xan was headed, his blood ran cold.  “Xan,” he screamed.

 

While they had hydration set up for each different part of the ranch, once a season—typically just before planting—they rolled out a massive machine designed to spray nutrients into the soil.  It was a pre-programmed operation, and all the residents of the ranch knew to give it a wide berth.  There were always a few beings watching the machine, to make sure nothing clogged or that it didn’t get stuck, but as the field was currently bare and the children were over at the Western House, no one anticipated any problems.

 

Finn knew this as he ran—his breaths coming ever shorter and shorter as he pushed his body to keep moving—but he also knew that Xan was scared and not thinking straight.  He kept his eyes on the child, praying he could catch up before anything happened.

 

Ryight, one of the refugees who had been with them since before Finn arrived, spotted Xan and saw what was happening.  He started yelling to the others and Finn could see they were trying to get to the machine.  He kept pressing forward towards Xan.

 

Finn yelled as he pushed himself even harder, and he felt sick in the moment when Xan stopped, realizing ze had run into the path of the machine.  The child froze, and Finn knew that every nightmare he was ever going to have for the rest of his life was going to be a variation of this moment.  With a grunt, he reached for Xan, grabbing the child and running as fast as he ever ran before.  He jumped and then listened as the machine rumbled by, right where Xan had frozen.

 

He closed his eyes, trying to breathe. 

 

For an instant, everything was quiet.  Then, there was so much noise.  Xan was screaming.  Ryight and the others were yelling.  There were others running towards them.

 

Finn pushed himself up; he was still holding Xan, who was squirming to get out of his hold.

 

Cass ran up, yelling, and jerked Xan out of his grasp, the older boy immediately pulling Xan away from Finn.  “You don’t touch zir!”

 

Finn was panting, sweating.  He shook his head.  “Cass—”

 

“You don’t kriffing touch zir!”

 

“Finn saved that kid’s life,” Ryight said, running up.  “Ze would’ve been crushed if Finn hadn’t…” 

 

Finn shook his head.  “It’s okay, Ryight.  Thanks.”

 

Poe, Kes, and Frina came running up.  Finn noticed that Poe was favoring his bad leg.  _Why in the kriff did you run, Poe?_

 

Cass whispered something to Xan and then looked at Kes and Poe, tears in his angry eyes.  “We want to go home.”

 

“Maddy needs to be here,” Kes said. 

 

“But we don’t!  I can take care of them!  We don’t need you!”

 

Kes opened his mouth but Frina said, “Let’s go back to the main house.  Now.”  Her voice brooked no opposition.

 

Kes, Frina, Cass, and Xan started back.  Poe limped over and offered Finn a hand up.  Finn nodded to Poe’s leg.  “It’s fine,” Poe said softly.

 

They walked the rest of the way back in silence.

 

When they reached the area near the storage buildings, they saw Lou and Lu waiting for them.  The girls let Kes, Frina, Cass, and Xan pass before they turned to Poe and Finn.  “Is Xan okay,” Lou whispered.

 

“Ze is fine,” Finn said.

 

“Is ze in trouble?”

 

Poe shook his head.  “No, sweatheart.”

 

Lu said, “You just have to be careful around some of the machinery.  Xan could’ve gotten hurt and it scared everyone.”

 

Lou nodded.

 

Poe mouthed _thank you_ to Lu.

 

When they got close to the house, Cass ran for the back door, where Maddy was waiting.  “We want to go home!”

 

Maddy looked over the group.  “What happened?”

 

“There was an accident with one of the machines,” Frina said.

 

“He touched Xan,” Cass yelled.  He spun back to look at Finn.  “You don’t touch Xan!”

 

Xan pushed past Cass and Maddy and into the house, running to zirs room.

 

Frina said, “He saved Xan’s life.”

 

Maddy frowned.  “Cass,” he said.  “Go upstairs.  Check on Xan.  I’ll be up in a moment.”  Cass opened his mouth and Maddy added, “That’s an order.”

 

Cass went inside. 

 

“What happened,” Maddy asked.

 

“Xan got spooked,” Kes said.  “Ran in front of one of the machines.  Finn pulled zir out of the way.”

 

“Kriff.”  Maddy shook his head.  “I’m sorry.”

 

Kes said, “It’s okay, Maddy.  Go check on your kids and we’ll talk in a bit.”

 

Maddy looked at Finn.  “Thank you.”

 

Finn nodded.

 

Maddy went inside and slowly climbed the stairs to the kids’ rooms.

  
Kes, Poe, and Finn went inside.  Frina and the girls walked towards the back garden.

 

“Fuck,” Poe said, way more loudly than he intended, throwing his hands on top of his head.  Kes shot him an angry look.  _Sorry_ , he mouthed.

 

Finn was pacing a tight circle from the back door to the dining room table and back.  “We just have to…  We’ll just have to…”  _FUCK!  I am not going to screw up that kid’s life…_

_Like I did Poe’s?_

Finn froze.  _Fuck, where in the hell did that come from?_   He looked up to see Poe staring at him, worry clear on his face.  _Please tell me I didn’t say that out loud._

 

Poe swallowed, tugging at his curls with his hands.  _Ze’s gonna end up just like me.  We have to help zir._

_We have to help zir._

 

Poe was breathing heavily, and Finn could see the faraway look he got in his eyes when he was trying to work through his anxiety.  He tried to catch his husband’s eyes but Poe wasn’t focusing.  “Poe?”  He walked forward. 

 

Kes put a hand up in front of him and whispered, “He’ll be fine.  Give him a second.”

 

 _He’s my damn husband._   Finn grit his teeth together.

 

Frina walked in and looked at the three of them.  Her mouth opened.  Then, she shut it, shaking her head, and walked back outside.  “Girls,” they could hear her say, “Why don’t we stay out here for a few minutes?”

 

Kes waved his hand in front of Poe, who seemed to jerk out of his trance.  “You two, outside.  Now,” Kes hissed through clenched teeth.  He walked to the back door, slid it open and waited until Finn and Poe shuffled through.  He then walked past them, well out into the garden. 

 

He nodded at Frina, who started herding the girls inside.  “Uh, we’ll start on dinner,” she said.

 

“Thanks,” Kes said as he turned, waiting, with his arms crossed in front of him.

 

When Poe and Finn got close enough, he said, “Okay, the two of you need to calm the hell down.”

 

“Did you not see what just happened out there,” Finn asked.  “Xan damn near got killed and Cass is ready to murder us all.”

 

“He’s a ten-year-old boy, Finn, chances are good he’d want to murder us all no matter what.”

 

“Yeah, well, it doesn’t make the situation any easier, does it?”

 

Poe started tapping his fingers against his legs.  _They are so fragging unhappy_.

 

Finn looked at him and started to reach over before Kes swatted his hand away.  “And what in the hell is this?”

 

“Kes, don’t—”

 

“Son, you can’t baby him every time he gets tense.”

 

Finn’s anger was starting to ratchet up.  His hands balled into fists.

 

Kes continued, “I understand that you’re stressed and that that your first instinct is to take that stress and try to channel it into something productive.  Hell, I can understand that on a molecular level, but Poe can handle this.”  He turned to his son.  “Right?”

 

“Yes,” Poe said, blinking, as if he’d finally caught up to the conversation.  He turned to Finn.  “I’m okay.”

 

Both Kes and Finn made noises at that.

 

Poe leaned in.  “Okay, you two, I love that you care so fragging much, but let’s get one thing straight.  I’m not the only fucked-up being standing out here right now, and I’d appreciate it if we’d all remember that.”

 

“Sorry,” Kes said.  “You’re right.”

 

“Damn straight I am.”

 

“I just want to help,” Finn said.

 

“And I appreciate that, but I really can handle this.”  He then turned fully to Finn.  “You, though?”

 

“Me, though, what?”

 

“Something is going on with you.  Has been since we got back, and you feel the need to keep it inside because for some reason you’re operating under the misguided idea that you need to be strong for me, but that isn’t going to work.”

 

“I’m fine,” Finn said.

 

Kes snorted.  “I love how we’re all so kriffing fine, but it’s banthashit and we all know it.  We’re all stressed out, those kids are hurting, and it’s making it worse.”  He took a deep breath and then said, “But I want the two of you to listen, okay?”  He waited a moment and then repeated, “Okay?”

 

“Yes,” they both grumbled.

 

“Look, I am not the galaxy’s healthiest being, and believe it or not, I’m right there with you with the worrying and…  I get it,” he said, turning to Finn, “believe me, I do.”

 

He could feel Poe leaning away.  He reached out and gently placed his hand on Poe’s arm, pulling him back.  “Poe, we’ve already had this out.  I’m not talking about you.”

 

“Like hell.”

 

Kes sighed.  He let his head fall forward, but he kept his grip on his son’s arm.  “Tell me something, son.  Five years ago, if I’d have grabbed you like this, what would’ve happened?”

 

Poe shook his head.  “I don’t know.”

 

“Exactly.”  Kes looked up.  “Believe it or not, I’m well aware that you are far more able to handle this shit than you used to be.  And honestly, when he isn’t so tightly strung that he might snap any moment, so is your husband.  So, for the record, we are all,” he let go of Poe’s arm to motion between him and Finn, “on your side here.”

 

Poe huffed out a breath, crossing his arms in front of him.  “Yeah,” he said.

 

Kes shook his head, desperately wishing for Shara to miraculously appear.  When she didn’t, he said, “Look, all I want to say is that the two of you need to get your heads out of your asses.  Those kids are scared and they are trying to figure things out, and yes, Cass is being a little shit and Xan is…  Well, ze is exasperating for totally different reasons.  But…”  He heaved out a breath.  “We are all trying to figure things out right now, and it isn’t easy, but _supposedly_ , we’re the adults here, so we have to at least pretend to keep it together, okay?”

 

“Yeah,” Finn said.

 

“Okay,” Poe said.

 

Kes turned to Finn.  “That means that you need to work through whatever it is that’s crawled up your ass.”

 

Poe couldn’t help but laugh, and even Finn smiled a bit.

 

“I’m serious, boys.”

 

“Just a vivid picture is all, Dad.”

 

“And you,” Kes said, turning to Poe, “You take care of your mental health, yes, but don’t you go projecting your problems onto that child!”

 

“Dad, I wasn’t—”

 

“Poe, don’t lie to me.  You are both trying to make this situation all about your issues, and this time, it’s not.  It’s about those kids.  And as crazy an idea as it was to bring them here, I understand why you did it.  Hell,” Kes said, walking a bit out before turning and facing them, “I’m pretty sure if I was in your place that I would’ve done the same damn thing.”  He sighed.  “But you two have to focus on them now.  They’re the priority.”

 

Finn nodded, unsure of his voice.

 

“Okay,” Poe said.  “Message received.”

 

Kes frowned.  He walked over, reached out and patted Poe’s shoulder.  “Now, I’m going to go help get dinner ready.  You two take a walk or something and when you get back here, I want this,” he gestured vaguely at the two of them, “to be settled or something, okay?”

 

“Yes, sir,” Finn said.

 

Kes walked back into the house.

 

After he was well inside, Poe leaned back on his heels.  “Nothing like getting a dressing down from the Sergeant.”

 

“He isn’t wrong,” Finn said.

 

“No,” Poe said.  He nodded forward and they started walking.  “I know I get in my head, and I know it scares you, but I really can take care of myself.”

 

“I know,” Finn breathed out.  “I just hate seeing you hurt.  And…”  _I shouldn’t bring this up._

 

“Say it,” Poe said. 

 

“It scares me,” Finn said in a tiny voice.

 

Poe nodded.  It was one of those things he’d known, but to hear Finn say it—it both hurt and it didn’t.  “Yeah, I get that,” he said.  It was kind of a lie, but also not.  “And I …”  He looked back at the house, making sure no one could hear him.  “I don’t want that kid to have to go through that…”

 

Finn nodded.  “I get that,” he said.  “I…  It’s like ze is a puzzle and if I could just figure out the right move, it would make it all better.  Same thing with Cass.”

 

Poe sighed.  _That’s how you feel about me too, isn’t it?_   He didn’t have the heart to ask.

 

Finn reached over and took Poe’s hand.  “You aren’t broken, Poe.  That’s not what I’m saying.”

 

 _Maker, I want to believe you_.  Poe let out a mirthless little chuckle.  “I yelled that at you once, didn’t I?”

 

Finn nodded.  “Doesn’t make it not true.”

 

“I just…”  He squeezed Finn’s hand.

 

“Yeah, I know,” Finn said.

 

“And with you?”

 

Finn shook his head.  “Just rattled is all.  I’ll…I’ll be better in a few days once we’ve figured out a routine and all.”

 

They both knew it was a lie.

 

But the two of them continued walking in silence, well out past the back garden and into the fields, lost in their thoughts.

 

 


	4. Remembering

 

 

**1 year after Starkiller…**

Finn leaned back, his eyes closed, smiling as he let the sun warm him.  A breeze teased the water droplets on his skin and he shivered. 

 

Poe’s mouth was at his ear, “Cold?”

 

Finn opened his eyes.  “No, I’m good.”

 

“You sure,” Poe said, his eyes full of promise.  “I’m sure I could warm you up.”

 

Finn chuckled, pushing himself up on his elbows.  He nodded to the lake in front of them.  “I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.”  There were about thirty Resistance soldiers and their families splashing around in the water.

 

Poe shrugged, falling back onto their towel.  “Your loss.”

 

“Mmmmm-hmmmm,” Finn hummed, sitting up fully.  He drew his legs in and watched the beings playing in the water.  After a minute, he turned to Poe—who had his eyes closed, both hands behind his head—and asked, “You ever think about it?”

 

“Think about what?”

 

“Family.  Kids.”

 

Poe opened one eye, squinting in the sun.  He raised an eyebrow.

 

Finn playfully shoved Poe.  “Don’t give me that look.  I’m not proposing.  I’m just asking.”

 

Poe closed his eye and settled back on the towel.  “Sure,” he said.  “Someday, when the fighting’s done.  Maybe.”

 

“Maybe?”

 

Poe chuckled.  “If I survive the war, I’d love to have kids, but…”  It suddenly felt cooler.  Poe frowned.  “I…”

 

“I didn’t mean for this to get deep,” Finn said, still watching the families splashing around.  He rocked back and forth a bit.

 

“What about you?”

 

“Hmmmm?”

 

“What about you,” Poe asked, opening his eyes and then shielding them from the sun with his hand.  “You want kids?  A family?”

 

Finn shrugged.  “Never thought about it much.”

 

Poe snorted.

 

“What?”

 

Poe sat up.  “I’m supposed to have an answer and you get to say you don’t know.”

 

Finn smiled.  “Really wasn’t a viable option in the Order.”  He nodded to a group of children screeching and running.  “But it seems nice.”

 

Poe watched the kids.  “Yeah.”

 

After another minute, Finn said, “So it’s the whole _I might die thing_ with you?”

 

Poe kept his eyes on the kids.  “Don’t want my kids to grow up without me.”  He closed his eyes, trying not to relive his mother’s funeral.

 

Finn nodded.  “But after, maybe?”

 

Poe looked at Finn.  “Yeah.  Maybe.”  _With you?  Definitely._

 

**# # # #**

 

**10 years after Starkiller (week 2)…**

“No,” Cass said, backing up from the group.  He turned to Maddy.  “Why do I have to—”

 

“Cass,” Maddy said, so clearly tired that he couldn’t mask it from his voice.  “We’ve been over this…”

 

“I’m not gonna do it.”  Cass stormed off, slamming through the back door.

 

Kes, Poe, Finn, and Frina all looked to Maddy, who shook his head. 

  
Aloote, a tall Duros who’d come to the ranch about three months after Finn had, leaned back.  She had been a teacher on Coruscant before the war and was outlining a plan to teach the children over at the Western House.  She smiled at Xan and Lou.  “Why don’t the two of you go play while I talk to the others, okay?”

 

Xan nodded and motioned for Lou to follow zir.  They went upstairs.

 

Kes sighed.  “Is this even going to work?”

 

“Sure,” Aloote said.  “From what I’ve gathered, Xan doesn’t do well in big groups, so I’d suggest that ze work with me remotely.”

 

Maddy nodded.  “Xan would like that.  Prefers to be in zirs room at a console whenever possible.”

 

Aloote said, “And I have a feeling that ze is going to move through lessons fairly quickly.”

 

“What about Cass,” Finn asked, leaning forward.

 

Aloote sighed.  “I think for right now, we leave Cass alone.  I think forcing him is just going to make things more difficult.”  She looked over to Frina and Kes.  “Perhaps you could come up with some jobs for him around the ranch?  I think he should have some structure, and then, once he’s used to this place, we can revisit his schooling.”

 

Frina nodded.  “I’ll have a list of chores ready in the morning.”

 

“That leaves Lou,” Poe said.

 

Aloote smiled.  “Lou won’t be a problem, I think.  What I’d like to do is have one of you walk her over every morning after breakfast.  I’ll work with her until lunch and she can eat with me and some of the other younglings and then, I’ll send her back here.”

 

“She’s got a head for languages,” Maddy said.

 

Aloote nodded.  “Good.  I’ll remember that.”  She stood, surveying the group.  “It’s not that bad.  Cass will come around.  He just needs time.”

 

Kes nodded and stood.  “Thank you, Aloote.  We owe you.”

 

She chuckled.  “I wouldn’t have a home if it weren’t for you, Kes.  I think we’re even.”  She walked to the door.  “Send Lou over tomorrow and have Xan comm me later tonight.”

 

“Will do,” Kes said, walking her out.

 

Frina stood.  “Time to make a list of chores.” She looked at Maddy.  “Anything he’s good at?”

 

Maddy nodded and groaned, standing.  “I’ll help you with that.”

 

Finn looked at Poe, who shrugged.  “We’ll just give him time, I guess.”

 

Finn nodded.  “I guess.”

 

# # # #

 

Poe put his hand on his mother’s A-wing and closed his eyes.  “This will get easier,” he mumbled.  He leaned forward until his forehead was on the ship.  “It will get better.”

 

He heard the door open behind him and then the shuffle of feet.  Usually, beings knew to announce themselves.  “Lou,” he asked into the space.

 

Whoever it was, shuffled further away.  “Xan?”

 

He thought he heard a murmur or a hum.  _Xan._

 

He nodded and turned around, facing out into the space.  He leaned back against the ship.  For a moment, he just stayed there, but then, he became self-conscious.  “It was my mother’s,” he said.  “She taught me how to fly in it.  I used to be a pilot.”  He closed his eyes a bit tighter and turned, pressing his forehead against the cool metal.  _Used to be._   He cleared his throat.  “I flew it until I went to the Academy and then we started storing it out here.”  He clenched his jaw and then tried to relax it.  “After…   After my uh, my…  After my accident, I…”  He turned around and slid down the ship till he was sitting on the ground.  “I used to be a pilot and a solider and then some bad things happened to me and I lost my sight and I couldn’t really fly anymore and…”  He leaned his head back against the ship.  “And sometimes when I’m stressed or sad or just…when I feel like I’m gonna vibrate out of my skin, I come out here and touch it, and it helps.”

 

Poe leaned his head back, staring at the ceiling of the storage building.  “After Mom died, I used to come out here and sit in the cockpit.  It was like I could still hear her or feel her there.  Now, I…”  He sighed.  “It feels safe, you know?”

 

There was no noise in the building, save Poe’s own breathing.  He sat there for a few more minutes and then, with a groan, he pushed himself up.  He looked around, sure that Xan was still there.  “You’re welcome to come in here any time you want.  You can even sit in the cockpit.”  He started out and stopped.  “Just don’t press any of the buttons.”  Poe left.

 

When he was certain that Poe was gone, Cass uncurled himself from behind a crate and slowly made his way to the A-wing.  He walked along the length of it, running his hand on it.  He stopped at the front of the ship and pressed his forehead to it, both hands on the metal.  He closed his eyes, feeling the ship.  It felt nice.  Soothing.

 

Cass took a deep breath and tried to focus all his energy on the feeling of the cool metal against his skin.  After a while, the roaring jumble of thoughts in his head quietened and he pushed off the ship.  He looked around and snuck out of the shed.

 

**# # # #**

 

“But there is no indication that there were other bases like it?  Somewhere we might have missed?”

 

Jess shook her head.  “Finn, we’ve double, triple checked.  We’ve talked to all our old Stormtrooper contacts, even some that don’t like us much.”  She frowned.  “I think Jabiim was a unique situation.”

 

Finn huffed out a breath.  “Okay.”  He didn’t look convinced.

 

“Finn,” she said.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“There’s nothing you could’ve—”

 

Finn put up a hand.  “Please don’t, Jess.”

 

She hesitated and then nodded.  “Take care of yourself, Finn.”

 

“You too,” Finn said.  “Give Rey my love.”

 

She smiled and the comm cut out.

 

Finn sighed, leaning back in this chair.  He stretched his neck and then asked, “How long have you been standing there?”

 

Poe leaned in the doorway, arms crossed in front of his chest.  “Just the last few minutes,” he said.

 

Finn turned.  “I guess the concept of a private comm is something that—”

 

“Oh don’t start that,” Poe said, walking into the room.  He tried to keep his voice down.  “You’re not mad that I heard the damn comm.  You’re mad about Jabiim.”

 

Finn stood.  “Please tell me more about my feelings,” he hissed.

 

Poe took a deep breath, trying to stay calm.  “You wanna take this out on me, you can, but it doesn’t change the fact that—”

 

“Do not play therapist with me, Dameron.”

 

“And don’t pretend that you’re okay!  That’s the second time you’ve contacted Jess about Jabiim.  What did you expect?  She’s told you the same thing she did last time, and I guarantee that when you call again, she’s going to tell you the same thing again!”

 

Finn marched up to Poe, got in his face.  “Those beings died because of me.”

 

“Those beings died because of the Order.”

 

“Over three hundred children, Poe.”

 

“Yeah,” Poe growled.  “And those lives are on the Order’s head, not yours.”

 

“Oh, it’s so fucking easy for you to stand there and—”

 

“Easy?  Do you really want to talk about playing the martyr, Finn, because I think we can both agree—”

 

“Please do not make this all about you!  I am so fragging tired of this always being about you!”

 

Poe looked like he had been punched.

 

Kes called from the other room, “Finn, are you going into town today?”

 

Finn closed his eyes with a groan.  “Yeah, of course.  Perfect,” he muttered.  “I guess this…discussion is going to have to wait,” he hissed at Poe.

 

“Finn,” Poe started.

 

“Yeah, Kes.  Coming,” Finn yelled out, already walking towards the door.

 

“We are so not finished here,” Poe said.

 

Finn spun.  “Did you want to come to town with me,” he asked.  It was a low blow, and he felt terrible the moment it was out of his mouth.

 

Poe took a step back, shaking his head.

 

Finn opened his mouth to apologize.

 

“Just go,” Poe said, marching out of the room.

 

**# # # #**

 

Finn stomped out to the speeder, muttering under his breath.  “Just once.  Just once I’d love it if someone else could kriffing go to the market…”  He stopped just as a torrent of rain unleashed from the skies above.  He shook his head, throwing open the door to the shed where they kept the speeder.

 

He walked over, threw his bag in and then kicked the speeder.  It hurt enough that he backed up, closing his eyes.  _Calm the fuck down_.  He took a deep breath.  _Just calm the fuck down_.

 

“You okay?”

 

Finn spun and stumbled a bit.  “Xan?”

 

Ze nodded.

 

Finn let out a breath.  “Didn’t see you there.”

 

Xan walked out from the corner of the shed.  “It’s quiet out here.”

 

Finn nodded.  The house did seem especially crowded today.  

 

“Where are you going?”

 

“Market,” Finn said, walking over and pulling the back doors open so he could maneuver the speeder out.

 

“Why?”

 

“We’re running low on a few things and…”  Finn shook his head, trying not to get angry all over again.  “And someone needs to go.”

 

“What about Poe?”

 

Finn said, “Poe doesn’t do the market.  I do.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“He doesn’t like crowds—too many chances people might touch him, too many triggers.”

 

Xan looked pensive for a moment.  “Do you ever wish he wasn’t like that?”

 

 _Yes._  

 

Finn closed his eyes.  _I can’t tell the kid that_.  “I just…I wish that it didn’t hurt him so much.  He used to love being around people, the first guy to give you a hug.  He…  It’s hard on him.  He thinks he isn’t normal and I hate seeing him doubt himself.”

 

Xan nodded.  “But you still wish he wasn’t like that.”

 

Finn closed his eyes.  “I…yeah, maybe?  I…”  Finn crouched down so he could look Xan in the eye.  “Look, at the end of the day, there are things that piss me off about the situation, but I love Poe, and part of that love means sometimes I have to do things that I’d rather not do—like go to the market during a fragging monsoon.”  Just saying it was calming him down.  _There is a reason I do this.  I love him._   He shrugged, talking more to himself than Xan, “Beings always make love out to be this romantic thing, people kissing and staring into each other’s eyes, and sure, that’s some of it, but the rest of it is taking care of the being when they’re sick or doing the chore you know they hate because you don’t hate it quite as much and…”

 

“Do you think he feels guilty?”  And before Finn could respond: “I feel guilty,” Xan said.

 

Finn wanted to wrap ze up and make it all better and he couldn’t, so he sucked in a huge breath.  “Xan,” he said, “please don’t feel guilty.  We’re not all wired the same, and just because you don’t do things like other beings—”

 

“I don’t want to be different,” Xan said, as close to raising zirs voice as Finn had ever heard zir.

 

Finn felt as if he were slowly being tugged under water.  He bowed his head, feeling a stray tear or two work its way down his cheek.  He moved his hands to the top of his head.  “Xan,” he said.  “I know.”  He let his legs just sort of crumple so he was sitting on the ground.  “It hurts.”  He brought his legs in and crossed them.  His voice sounded distant as he said, “When I was a Stormtrooper, I was one of the best.  High marks in every category.”  He looked over at Xan.  “I’m pretty sure they were going to promote me.”

 

“But?”

 

“But, I had no friends.  I…”  He closed his eyes.  “I was so kriffing different, and I knew it and they knew it and…”  He swallowed.  “It was lonely.  I remember that, so kriffing lonely.  Like I’d be surrounded by beings day and night and still feel completely isolated.”

 

“Yeah,” Xan whispered.

 

“And here’s the thing, when I came to the Resistance, I was still different.  I was the ex-Stormtrooper…”  A soft smile crossed his face.  “But I had Poe and Rey and General Organa and…” He made sure he had Xan’s eyes.  “There were people there who didn’t give a kriff if I was different.  They loved me, and they stuck by me and…  I’m not saying it makes it all better, but you have to find that, Xan.  You have to find the beings who don’t mind, the ones who may wish it was different—only because it would be easier for you—but who don’t insist you change.”

 

Xan nodded, moving a bit closer and sitting down.  “I didn’t mean to make you cry, Finn.”

 

Finn wiped his eyes.  “It’s okay.  I…”  He shook his head.  “It’s probably healthy for me to cry.”

 

Xan giggled.  “We must be the healthiest beings in the galaxy.”

 

Finn laughed.  “We must.”

 

There was a knock on the door and then Kes poked his head in.  “You still going?”

 

“Yeah, Kes, just needed to…”  Finn pushed himself up.  “I was just having a talk with Xan.”

 

Kes walked in and nodded.  “Need any help?”

 

“No, it’s a light order this week,” Finn said, walking to the speeder.

 

Xan got up and walked over.  “Finn?”

 

Finn turned. 

 

Xan held up his left hand, spreading all his fingers. 

 

Finn looked confused. 

 

“I don’t hug,” Xan said as an explanation.  “This is what I do instead.”

 

Finn swallowed hard.  _I will not cry._   He repeated the gesture back.  He turned, quickly wiping his eyes.  “I’ll be back in a few hours.”

 

“Take your time,” Kes said.

 

Finn started the speeder and was off.  Kes and Xan watched until they couldn’t see him anymore.

 

Xan looked up at Kes.  “He’s a good person.”

 

Kes smiled.  “You’ll get no argument from me, kid.”

 

**# # # #**

Frina came into the great room with two mugs of something warm.  She handed one to Maddy, who had been dozing, and wrapped her hands around the other, sitting in the chair next to his.  She blew on her drink.

 

“Thanks,” Maddy said, shuffling a bit to sit up.  “Must’ve fallen asleep.”

 

She smiled.  “It’s a good place for it.”

 

Maddy sighed.  “Shouldn’t I be doing something,” he said, looking around.

 

Frina shook her head.  “We’re good.”  She took a sip and winced.  “Still a bit too hot.”  She leaned forward and put her mug on a small table.  She looked at Maddy, who handed her his mug.  She put it down and then leaned back.  “Lots of beings on the ranch,” she said.  “Honestly, we have more beings than work, but…”

 

Maddy chuckled.  “But they just keep taking people in?”

 

Frina nodded.  “In the beginning, Poe and Kes only took in two or three families, and from what I understand, that first year was utter chaos.”  She laughed.  “Poe was still a bit skittish and was still having his attacks fairly often and Kes was used to running the ranch his way, and…”  She shook her head.  “Steep learning curve.”

 

Maddy nodded.  “Sounds like my first year on Er’kit.”

 

Frina studied the man.  “How in the hell did you decide to become a moisture farmer out on Er’kit?”

 

Maddy stared off.  “Wanted to get away from Jabiim and away from all that rain.  And I didn’t know how to do anything, really.  But I figured I could pick up farming.”  He turned to her.  “Eventually did.”

 

Frina nodded.  “Yeah,” she smiled.  “I had a ranch out on Leritor, and it was supposed to be…”  She sighed, thinking back.  “I wanted a quiet place where I could raise some livestock and some food.”  She looked over at Maddy.  “But my friend Johoon kept dropping off strays.  Said he didn’t like thinking of me all alone out there.”

 

Maddy chuckled.  “He was gonna build you a family whether you liked it or not?”

 

“Yep,” Frina said.  She leaned forward, picked up her mug and tested the drink.  She nodded.  She handed Maddy his and took a sip.

 

“How many beings did you have out there?”

 

“In the end,” Frina stopped and counted, trying not to spend too much time remembering faces and names, “about sixty.”  She sighed and quickly took a drink.

 

“That’s a lot of mouths to feed.”

 

She smiled.  “Everyone working together, it wasn’t so bad.”  She got lost in memories of it.

 

Maddy asked, “What happened?”

 

She put her mug in her lap.  “The Order,” she said.

 

Maddy’s head fell forward.  “Sorry.”

 

“Not your fault.”

 

“Still…”

 

She shrugged, taking another drink.

 

“I try not to think about the things I’ve done,” Maddy said, staring at the liquid in his mug.  “The ones like Finn, they knew it was wrong and they got out and…”  He shook his head.  “I think I might have suspected it was wrong, but most of my life, I was scared.”  He wheezed for a moment and took a long drink.  “Then, when I realized that after everything, after all those years of service, those bastards were still going to kill me to keep their secrets safe…”  Maddy shook his head.  “I grabbed those kids and ran.”  He looked over at Frina.  “And every damn day, I told them that the Order was evil.  I may have figured that out far too late, but I made sure my kids knew it.”

 

Frina nodded and the two fell into silence.

 

Eventually, Maddy asked, “So how did you end up here?”

 

Frina smiled, putting down her mug.  “Poe lived on my ranch for a time.  Back when he was trying to hide from the Order and the Resistance.”

 

“What’s the story there,” Maddy asked.

 

Frina pushed her lips together.  “I’ll tell you what I don’t think they’d mind me telling.”  She turned to face Maddy.  “Poe was captured in a dogfight near Selvaris.  The Order faked his death and took him to a research facility where they messed with his mind.”

 

“Reconditioning,” Maddy said, his voice quivering just a bit.

 

Frina nodded.  “They wanted to scramble his brain so he’d be a double agent for them—go back to the Resistance and think he was a good guy when he was really serving the Order—and they screwed with his head so that he was in a lot of pain all the time.”

 

“Kriff,” Maddy said.  “No wonder…”

 

“Yeah,” Frina said.  “Anyway, the reconditioning didn’t take completely, but Poe was afraid to go back to the Resistance.  He eventually ended up at my place.”

 

Maddy took a drink and started putting two and two together.  “And that’s why the Order attacked?”

 

Frina sighed.  “Finn tracked him down.”

 

Maddy chuckled.  “Those two have a peculiar bond, don’t they?”

 

Frina smiled and nodded.  “Anyway, Finn and then eventually Rey, you know, the Jedi?  Well, she shows up and the Order comes in to try to capture them.”

 

Maddy said, “How many did you lose?”

 

“Too many,” Frina whispered.  She then took a deep breath and said, “And that’s when I joined the Resistance.  And once the war was over, I decided to look Poe up.  I came out to visit and…just sort of fell in love with the place.”

 

Maddy nodded, lost in thoughts of the war.

 

“Can I ask you a question,” Frina said.

 

“Sure.”

 

“Why’d you reach out to Finn?”

 

Maddy smiled a soft smile, leaning forward with a groan to put his mug on the table.  As he leaned back, he coughed.  He put his hand to his chest and when the coughing had stopped, he said, “They tried to cover up that he’d defected, but Stormtroopers talk.  I’m pretty sure that within a month of him leaving, every Stormtrooper in the Order knew about FN-2187.”  He shook his head.  “Like I said, I think I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I was scared, and over the years, I spent a lot of time thinking about what it must’ve been like for him.  I knew that he was just a kid, and I wondered if he was scared or reckless or stupid or some sort of combination.  And over time, you’d hear these rumors, about how he was helping other defectors and that he was a good sort, and…”  Maddy smiled.  “I always knew not to trust what the Order was telling me about the galaxy, but I knew I could trust what other troopers were saying, and they were all saying that FN-2187 was someone you could trust.”

 

Frina smiled.  “I’d agree with that.”

 

Maddy said, “Honestly, the only things I ever heard about Poe were from the war.  The guy who blew up Starkiller and all of that, but…”  He looked over at Frina, “It strikes me that he’s a lot like Finn.”

 

“Yep,” she said.

 

“Gives me hope,” Maddy said quietly.

 

Frina looked at him, wanting to ask so many questions, but not wanting to push him either, so she nodded, and they fell into another long silence.

**# # # #**

 

Poe and Finn didn’t talk at dinner, and it wasn’t until they went upstairs to go to bed that Finn finally broke the silence.  Poe was changing into his sleep clothes when Finn closed the door to their room and leaned against it.  “About this afternoon…”

 

Poe stopped, his back to Finn.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Poe nodded.  He took a deep breath.  “Probably both said things we didn’t mean.”

 

“Poe,” Finn said, walking towards him.

 

Poe shook his head and moved to the bed.  “I just need to sleep, Finn.”

 

Finn nodded.  “Yeah, of course.”  His breath caught as Poe got into bed.  He balled his hands into fists, pressing them into his thighs.  He wanted to punch a wall, scream, yell, anything.  _I didn’t mean to mess this up._

 

Finn didn’t even realize he was on his knees until he felt Poe’s arms around his shoulders. 

 

“Finn,” Poe was saying.  “Finn, baby?  You’re scaring me.”

 

Finn nodded.  “I…”  He wanted to say _I’m fine_.  Instead, he looked up at Poe, feeling the tears burning his cheeks.  “I’m so sorry, Poe.”

 

Poe pulled him into a hug.  He put a hand in Finn’s hair and kissed the top of his head.  “I know,” he murmured. 

 

“I’m so sorry,” Finn sobbed into Poe’s chest.

 

Poe nodded.  “Shhhhhh, baby.  It’s okay.”  He started petting Finn’s head as he pulled Finn even closer.  “It’s gonna be okay.”

 

Poe’s breath hitched as he felt Finn shudder.  He closed his eyes.  _It’s gonna be okay_.

 

 


	5. Not for Anything

 

 

**14 months after Starkiller…**

Finn blinked awake to see Poe, who had somehow managed to get out of bed without waking him, sitting on the floor staring at a holo of Kes.

 

Finn had never met Kes in person, but they’d talked enough via comms that Finn knew who he was looking at.

 

“Poe?”  He raised his head.  “You okay?”

 

Poe sniffed, wiped his eyes and turned.  “Yeah.”

 

Finn crawled out of bed to sit behind Poe.  “Why don’t I believe you?”

 

Poe leaned back into Finn’s arms.  “Had a bad dream.”

 

Usually that meant the Finalizer or Muran or L’ulo.  Sometimes, though, that meant Shara.  Finn was betting that was the case tonight.  He leaned in, kissing Poe’s temple.  “Wanna talk about it?”

 

Poe shook his head _no_ , but then he started talking, “I just…I understand why I…”  He sighed.  “I have all these dreams that she’s in, like she never died, but the thing is, I’m always so pissed in them, you know?”

 

Finn nodded and made a non-committal noise.

 

“She’s just pissing me off and I’m getting angrier and angrier, and every time I wake up, I feel so kriffing guilty.  Like, why in the hell am I mad at her, Finn?”  He turned slightly to look into Finn’s eyes.  “Does that make me the worst son in the galaxy?”

 

Finn shook his head and whispered, “Of course, it doesn’t.  It just makes you human.”  He nuzzled into Poe’s hair.  “You’re not mad at her.  You’re mad at the fact that she’s gone.”

 

Poe hiccupped and nodded.

 

After a while, he said, “And then, I lie there and all I can think about is when was the last time I saw my dad?  I mean, really saw him, in person?  And it was right after Jakku, before I knew you were alive, and…”  Poe leaned forward, crying.  He sucked in a breath.  “I don’t want that to be the last time I see him.”

 

Finn grabbed Poe even tighter.  “It won’t be.”

 

“How do you know that?”

 

“I don’t,” Finn said, hating his tendency towards honesty.  “But I’ve gotta believe that you’re gonna see him soon.”  He smiled.  “Hell, you keep promising to take me to Yavin.”

 

He heard Poe laugh.  “I do.”

 

“Yeah, so focus on that.”  Finn hugged Poe.  “Focus on what it’s gonna be like to introduce me to your dad.”

 

Poe leaned into him.  “He’s gonna love you.”

 

“Well, yeah.”

 

Poe laughed. 

 

“Can we move this to the bed,” Finn asked.

 

Poe nodded.

 

Finn pushed up and then offered Poe a hand up.  Poe reached over and brushed his thumb across Finn’s cheek.  “Thanks.”

 

Finn shook his head.  He took Poe’s hand and led him to bed.

 

**# # # #**

**10 years after Starkiller (week 9)…**

Finn passed Xan’s room on his way downstairs and paused.  He knocked and poked his head in.  “Xan?”  He felt a flare of panic and quickly walked back down the hall and leaned over the railing.  “Hey Kes, where’s Xan?”

 

Kes walked out of the kitchen and looked up at Finn, jerking his head towards the back.  “Believe it or not, they’re all out with Poe and Lu in the garden.  Seems we have a bug infestation and that was enough to lure Xan and Cass into helping.”

 

Finn chuckled and Kes went back into the kitchen.

 

Finn came downstairs and found Frina and Maddy talking in the great room.  “Morning!”

 

“Morning,” Maddy said, before coughing.  “You slept in.”

 

Finn chuckled.  “Yeah, my back was acting up last night so Poe turned off my alarm.”  He stretched, trying out his back and finding it wasn’t too bad.

 

Maddy eyed him.  “Back?”

 

Frina nodded.  “This one took a lightsaber up the back from Kylo Ren.”

 

“That story was true?”

 

Finn smiled.  “Yeah.  Kind of wish it wasn’t sometimes.  But it’s true.”  Maddy’s eyes got wide.  Finn had seen that look hundreds of times before.  “Do you want to see it?”

 

“Well, I…”  Maddy smiled and nodded.

 

Finn shrugged off his shirt and turned.  Maddy let out a low whistle.  “How are you even alive, son?”

 

“Ain’t that the truth,” Frina said.  Every time she saw that scar, it gave her chills.

 

Suddenly, there was a commotion in the dining room and then Lou came running in.  “We have conquered the bugs!”  She ran straight up to Maddy’s chair and crawled into his lap.

 

“Hello there, little one,” he said, kissing her forehead.

 

Poe, Cass, and Xan followed her in.  Poe lifted an eyebrow as he caught sight of his husband.  “Feeling casual today, honey?”

 

Finn shot Poe a look.  “No, dear.  Maddy wanted to see the scar.”

 

“Scar,” Cass asked, suddenly interested.  He and Xan made their way around Finn to look at it.

 

“What happened,” Xan asked, fascinated.

 

“Can I touch it,” Cass asked.

 

Finn shared a look with Poe as he said, “Sure.”

 

Cass lightly moved his fingers over the ridges of the scar.  “That is so cool.”

 

Finn shook his head.  _Of course, he thinks it’s cool_.

 

“How’d you get hurt,” Lou asked.

 

Finn slipped his shirt back on and turned back towards the group.  “You wanna hear?”

 

Lou and Xan eagerly nodded and Cass didn’t make a move to leave, so Finn backed up a few steps and said, “Well, it was during the war.  The Resistance sent us to blow up the Order’s big new weapon, Starkiller Base.  It was built on a planet.  In fact, the entire planet _was_ the weapon, so we were on Starkiller and we’d lowered the shields so that the pilots could fly in and help us, and we’d set explosions in the oscillator, which was the weak point—if it blew up, we could destroy the weapon.  Anyway, after we set those explosions, we needed to get off the planet fast, so Rey and I—she’s a Force user—we were trying to make it back to the Millennium Falcon, only we got stopped in the forest by Kylo Ren.”

 

Lou gasped.  Frina hid her mouth to keep from giggling.

 

“Ren had his lightsaber lit and he wanted the lightsaber I’d been carrying.  It was Luke Skywalker’s old lightsaber, and before it belonged to Luke, it had belonged to his father, Darth Vader.”

 

Lou gasped again, and this time Frina turned to keep from laughing.

 

“Well, Rey starts to go after Ren but he used the Force and sent her hurtling through the air into a tree.  I thought he’d killed her, so I was angry.”  He looked up at Poe for a moment—a million little conversations about how much they always feared for each other’s safety playing through both their minds.  “Ren demanded the lightsaber and I told him to come get it.”

 

“No,” Cass said.

 

“Oh yeah, I was so mad, I didn’t even think about being afraid.”  Finn held the same pose he’d held all those years ago and said, “I told him _Come get it_ and he came at me.  And we were slashing and fighting,” Finn started mimicking some of the moves, “and…”  Finn stopped and shook his head.  “It was a brutal fight, and Ren got me here,” he pointed to his shoulder, “and then, he slashed up my back.”

 

Poe shuddered.  He still had nightmares where that slash ended Finn’s life.

 

“Thankfully, Rey woke up and she called the lightsaber to her and she kicked Ren’s ass.”

 

Lou and Xan giggled.

 

“So that’s why your jacket has that scar on it,” Cass asked. 

 

“Yep,” Finn said, staring at Poe.  “I was wearing it when Ren attacked me.  Before that, the jacket actually belonged to Poe.”

 

All three of the children turned to look at Poe.

 

“You gave it to him when you got married,” Xan asked.

 

Poe laughed.  “Stars no.  We’ve only been married two years.  This was, what?  Nine years ago?”

 

“Ten,” Finn said, shaking his head.  _Ten years._

 

Poe locked eyes with his husband.  “Wow.”

 

“I know.”

 

Kes cleared his throat.  “You were telling us about the jacket?”

 

“Oh yeah, so I gave Finn the jacket right after we met.  Well, sort of gave it to him.”  Poe walked over to a chair and sat in it.  “You wanna hear the story of how I met Finn?”

 

Lou and Xan nodded vigorously.

 

“Cass,” Poe asked.

 

“Sure,” the boy said, trying—and failing—to sound disinterested.

 

Frina smiled, shaking her head.

 

“Okay, so before all of that happened on Starkiller, I was trying to find a piece of a map that was gonna help us win the war, and I’d tracked it to this man named Lor San Tekka on Jakku…”

 

**# # # #**

 

“Wait,” Maddy said, suddenly.  “You meet him, and you’re together for ten minutes and…”

 

“I just knew,” Poe says, looking over at Finn and smiling.

 

“Yeah, you should’ve seen him out on the tarmac.  He bit his lip and everything.”  Finn mimicked Poe’s lip biting.  “He was so obvious!”

 

The children giggled.

 

“You knew,” Poe asked.

 

“Of course, I knew, Dameron!  You have never been a subtle man.”

 

“Fine,” Poe sighed.  “So, anyway, like I said, I had this tremendous crush, which apparently was obvious to anyone—”

 

“Well, anyone who could see you,” Finn said.

 

“But,” Poe added, “we had a weapon to destroy, so I didn’t say anything.”

 

“Me, either.”

 

“You liked Poe too,” Lou asked.

 

“Oh yeah,” Finn said.  “I was pretty much a goner from the first time I heard him laugh in that TIE fighter.”

 

Poe blushed just a bit.

 

“So anyway,” Poe said.  “This one ends up in a coma after Starkiller and let me tell you, that was so kriffing scary, but I vowed that the second he woke up, I was gonna tell him.  Life is too short.”  Poe leaned back and smiled.  “So when he woke up, I said hi, told him where Rey was, because I knew he’d be worried about her, and then I asked if he’d like to be my boyfriend.”

 

Frina laughed.  “As long as you didn’t go too fast.”

 

Finn chuckled.  “I believe I said hi back, said thanks for telling me about Rey, and then said, sure, I’ll be your boyfriend.”  He and Poe locked eyes and Finn remembered what it had felt like early on—all that go, go, go and adrenaline-fueled passion.  Finn walked over to Poe’s chair, perching on the armrest. 

 

“And you’ve been together ever since,” Lou asked.

 

Poe looked down.  “Uh, well…”

 

“We got separated for a while during the war,” Finn said to her.  “But I found him here after.”  He took Poe’s hand and squeezed it.

 

Poe smiled.

 

Maddy hugged Lou to him.  “War is hell, but from time to time, good things come out of it.”

 

“Like us,” Finn said.

 

“And you guys,” Poe said, nodding to the kids.

 

For a moment, the whole room just basked in the good feeling that they were all together.  Frina then stood up.  “Okay, who would like to help me in the garden?  We have some vegetables ready to be picked.”

 

“Me,” Lou said, already scrambling off Maddy’s lap. 

 

Maddy coughed before saying, “Pick me something good, okay?”  He gave Lou a wink.

 

“I think I’m gonna…”  Xan started towards zirs room.

 

Cass muttered, “Me too.”  He followed Xan upstairs.

 

Finn walked to the comm terminal.

 

As everyone started filing out, Maddy looked over at Poe.  “Different than you thought it would be?”

 

Poe smiled. “Yeah.”  He leaned back in his chair.  “If you’d told me when I was twenty that I was going to meet an ex-Stormtrooper, lose my sight, and end up taking in refugees at the ranch, I probably would’ve laughed in your face.”

 

Maddy chuckled.  “Never in a million lifetimes would I have thought I’d become a father.”

 

“But you wouldn’t trade it for anything?”

 

Maddy shook his head. “Not for anything.”

 

“Me either.”

  
**# # # #**

 

The next day, Frina and Lu were helping move some furniture at the Western House and had requested that Kes keep an eye on Lou in the afternoon.  However, at some point Lou had gotten away from him and started following Finn around.

 

Normally, he wouldn’t mind.  Over the years, the Ranch had played host to dozens of children.  But today, as he did his monthly check on all the systems running the house, he was just in a sour mood.

 

It probably didn’t help that he’d spent the morning going back over the files that Jess had sent him from Jabiim.  He kept thinking about all those kids—all those little baby Stormtroopers—and what it must have been like when the Order attacked.

 

Finn shuddered and then startled as he heard Lou’s voice.

 

“Finn, what’s that,” Lou asked, pointing to the tank that fed the freshers.

 

“It’s a water tank.”

 

“What’s it do?”

 

“Holds the water for the freshers.”

 

“What about that,” she pointed to one of the systems feeding into the comm link.

 

“It’s for the comm,” Finn said, hating how gruff he was sounding and how much he really needed Kes to _come and find Lou already_.

 

Finn went back to checking that everything was running normally when he felt a tug on the back of his shirt.  “What,” he said sharply.

 

Lou backed away.

 

Finn sighed and turned.  “What, Lou?”

 

The girl shook her head, her lips pressed together in a pout. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he said, “what is it?”

 

She shook her head again and ran to the back door of the house. 

 

Finn leaned forward, pressing his head against the water tank.  “Just kriffing great, Dameron,” he whispered to himself.  He thought for a moment of following her, but instead he turned back to the machinery and got back to work.

 

**# # # #**

 

An hour later when Finn came in, he found Frina in the great room, a frown on her face.

 

“What,” he asked, realizing how petulant he sounded.  He tried again, “What?”  He fell into one of the chairs.

 

“Did you yell at Lou?”

 

“No, I didn’t yell at Lou.”

 

She raised an eyebrow.

 

He sighed, scrubbing his face with his hands.  “I thought she was supposed to be with Kes and I was checking the systems and suddenly she’s there and she’s asking me all these questions and she’s touching things and…okay, so maybe I was a little short with her, but I tried to apologize and—”

 

“Finn, she’s five years old.”

 

“Yeah, I know,” Finn leaned his neck back, trying to work out a kink.  “What?  Do I go apologize?”

 

“For starters,” Frina said.  “And then, you do whatever you need to do to calm down.”

 

Finn’s head snapped back up and he stared at Frina for a beat before—in as calm a voice as he could muster—he said, “I’m really getting tired of everyone telling me to calm down.  Like I’m the only one of us who is stressed.”

 

“Fair enough,” Frina said, “But there is more going on than just Maddy and the kids with you.”

 

Finn looked around.  “Where is Maddy?”

 

“Sleeping,” Frina said.

 

Finn sighed.  Maddy was doing a lot of that.  He licked his lips.  “I’ll try to be better with her, Frina.”

 

Frina stood.  “Do that.  And…”  She shook her head.  “Talk to someone.  Don’t take on everything on your own.”  She walked over and squeezed his shoulder.  “We’re all here for you, Finn.”

 

He nodded.

 

After she walked away, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  _Can this get any kriffing worse?_

 

**# # # #**

 

Poe pulled the last weed from the vegetable patch and stood, wiping his hand across his forehead.  He looked up at the sky.  These days, he couldn’t make out much detail—it was all ill-defined swirls of color—but he could still read it.  _Gonna rain_ , he thought.  Not that that was a brilliant deduction.  It was the rainy season after all.

 

Poe sighed and turned to the house.  He saw a flutter of movement from one of the upstairs windows. 

 

He smiled.  That had been happening a lot lately. 

 

_Xan._

 

Poe started towards the house, thinking about how best to approach the child _.  Don’t want to spook zir._

 

He brushed the dirt off his clothes and walked in.  _Maybe I’ll just say hi, see if ze wants to talk_.

 

He walked up the stairs, pausing at the door to Xan’s room.  “Xan?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Um, can I open the…”

 

“Sure,” Xan said.

 

Poe opened the door and poked his head in.  “How’s it going?”

 

Xan shrugged.  “Okay, I guess.”

 

“How’s school?”

 

Xan shrugged again.

 

 _Give me something kid_.  “Uhhhhh,” Poe started.

 

Xan’s eyes were on the floor as ze said, “Finn says you can’t do crowds either.” 

 

“No, not anymore,” Poe said.  “I mean, I can if I have to, but…”  He shivered.  “I hate it.  I… Having beings touch me without my permission or if I can’t see them, it’s…”

 

“Yeah,” Xan said.  Ze looked up, curious.  “Cass said you were tortured.”

 

Poe sucked in a breath.  “Yeah.”

 

“Did they hit you?”

 

Poe blinked and swallowed hard.  “Yeah,” he said, his voice rough.  Xan nodded and Poe suddenly had a sick realization.  “Did…did they hit you, Xan?”

 

Xan looked back at zirs datapad.  Poe was at a loss.  _Ask again?  Leave?_    “Ummmmmm….”

 

Xan asked, “It changed you?”

 

“What?”

 

“The torture,” Xan said, still refusing to meet Poe’s eyes.

 

“Yeah,” Poe said.  “I mean, I’m still me, but…yeah, I’m different now.”

 

Xan nodded, pressing zirs lips together.

 

 _Please just look at me, kid._   The silence was horrible, but Poe was determined not to move.

 

“I’ve always been like this,” Xan eventually said in a small voice.

 

“Nothing wrong with that,” Poe said.

 

Xan looked up sharply.  “You really believe that?”

 

Poe nodded.

 

“You’re lying,” Xan said.

 

“No, I’m not.”  Poe stepped inside Xan’s room.  “Look, I’m not saying it’s easy, and…”  He let out a long breath, his shoulders releasing some of their tension.  “Do I wish it could be easier for you?  Sure.  Same way I wish it could be easier for me.  But…but, we aren’t wrong, Xan.”  He ran a hand through his hair.  “I’m not broken and neither are you.  We’re just different.  It may be frustrating and it may be scary, but it doesn’t make us less.”

 

Xan considered what he’d said and then frowned.  “I don’t like being different.”

 

Poe sighed.  “Yeah, I know.”  _Fuck, do I know_.  He bit his cheek and then said, “Would it help if maybe we were different together?”

 

Xan looked up.  “What do you mean?”

 

“Nothing big.  Just hanging out every once in a while, you and me.  No one else.”  Poe shrugged.  “Figure it might do both of us good.”

 

Xan pursed zirs lips, considering.  “Maybe.”

 

Poe said, “I’ll take maybe.”  He stepped back towards the door.  “Maybe is great.”  He nodded at Xan.  “Now, I’m gonna go clean up.”

 

**# # # #**

 

Cass looked around.  His chores were finished and dinner wouldn’t be for a few hours yet.  He’d seen Poe in the back earlier, so it seemed like an opportune time. 

 

He slipped into the shed and stared at the A-wing.  She was beautiful—in fact, she looked brand new—and Cass hesitated putting his hand on her this time, but when he did, everything seemed to get quieter.  He leaned into the ship, closing his eyes.

 

As strange as Poe was, Cass could appreciate this.  It was as if the ship could mute all the different thoughts screaming for attention in his head.  He swallowed hard, refusing to cry.

 

 _Stormtroopers don’t cry_ , he told himself.  _Stormtroopers are strong._

 

His breathing hitched.

 

He pressed a bit harder into the ship, begging the universe to make all the fear and doubt go away.  _Make him better_ , he thought up into the ether.  _Just make him better so we can go back to Er’kit and…_

 

He squeezed his eyes shut, turning his face to the metal.  He sobbed, hating how weak he felt.  _Please just make him better._

 

**# # # #**

 

“Hi,” Finn said, walking up to the front of the Western House.  Lou was sitting with Lu on the front porch.  “I was hoping I could talk to Lou?”  And then realizing, “The younger Lou.”

 

Lu looked at Lou, who nodded.  Lu got up.  “I’ll be inside if you need me.”

 

Finn sat down next to Lou.  “I’m sorry,” he said.  “I shouldn’t have talked to you in that tone of voice.”

 

Lou nodded but didn’t say anything.

 

“I’ve just…”  He sighed.  “I’ve just been worried lately,” he said, staring out into the fields in front of the house.  “I’m worried about you and Cass and Xan.  And about Maddy.  I’m worried about Poe.  And…”  His voice caught.  “I…”  His eyes filled with tears.  “A long time ago, one of my jobs was to help Stormtroopers. Because I used to be one.  And I took that job very seriously.  And I wanted to protect the Stormtroopers because most of them, they didn’t choose to be Stormtroopers; they were kidnapped or, or cloned, and…”  He sucked in a breath.  “There was a whole base full of Stormtroopers I didn’t protect and I’m…”  He looked down at his feet.  “I’m feeling bad about that.”

 

Lou nodded, scooting closer to Finn.  She took his hand.  Finn pulled her up into his lap, hugging her.  “I’m sorry, Lou,” he said, on the verge of tears.

 

She looked back up at him.  “It’ll be okay, Mister Finn.”

 

Finn smiled, kissing the top of her head.  “Thanks, sweetheart.”  He pulled her to him and stared out at the ranch, hoping that she was right.

 

**# # # #**

 

“You finish out in the north fields with Arless,” Kes asked as Cass came in the back door.

 

“Yeah,” Cass said.

 

Kes didn’t miss that the boy’s eyes were red.  “Good, then you can help me with dinner.  Frina had to go back over to the Western House.”

 

Cass groaned.

 

Kes smiled and handed the boy a peeler and some vegetables.  “Peel the skin.  Skins go in that bucket.  Peeled veg go in there.”  He pointed to a bowl by the sink.

 

As the boy started working, Kes was busy chopping other vegetables and putting them in a large baking dish.  “Back when I was a Pathfinder,” he said, “we usually had to eat off the land when we were on assignment.  Had to travel light, and…”  He stopped chopping, remembering.  He chuckled.  “That made for some piss-poor meals, let me tell you.”

 

“How long were you a soldier,” Cass asked.

 

Kes frowned, trying to calculate.  “Little over a decade, I think.”  He shook his head.  “We thought we beat the Empire, that it was over.”  He chopped the next vegetable particularly vigorously.  “Thought Poe wouldn’t have to do that sort of thing.”

 

“You didn’t like it?”

 

Kes shrugged.  “I was good at it, but,” he shook his head, “no, I didn’t like it.  Just did it because it had to be done.”  He was quiet for a moment before he said, “Didn’t much like killing other beings.”

 

Cas studied the older man.  “You always wanted to be a rancher?”

 

Kes laughed.  “Hell no,” he said.  “I…”  He shook his head.  “I don’t know.  I grew up in the middle of a war, son.”  He stopped chopping and looked at Cass.  “Pretty much the only option was to become a soldier or get killed by the Empire.  Not like you and yours.  You have choices.”

 

Cass made a noise at that.

 

“You don’t?”

 

Cass shrugged.  “They made us to be soldiers,” he said, quietly.

 

“Doesn’t mean you have to be one.”

 

Cass nodded.  He peeled another vegetable and then turned to Kes.  “I think I’d make a good one.”

 

“One?”

 

“Soldier,” Cass said.  “Protecting beings.  Making sure that the Order doesn’t come back.”

 

Kes smiled.  “So you’re thinking about going to the Academy?”

 

“Academy?”

 

“The new government, they have a big school where beings train to become diplomats and leaders and soldiers.”

 

Cass considered that.  “Could I go there?”

 

“Not until you’re older,” Kes said, and before the boy could get upset, he added, “They only take beings that are eighteen years and older.”

 

“Oh,” Cass said, his forehead scrunched in thought before he nodded.  “Finn was a Pathfinder,” the boy eventually asked.

 

“Yep,” Kes said.

 

“So were you.”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Are there still Pathfinders?”

 

Kes stopped chopping, trying not to smile too big.  “Yeah, son, there are.” 

 

The boy hummed and nodded, refocusing on his peeling.

 

Kes shook his head.  _You sent this one to us on purpose, didn’t you, Shara?_

 

**# # # #**

 

An hour later, Finn came in the front door to the sound of humming coming from the dining room.  At first, he thought it was one of the kids or Kes, but then he paused.  _I know that sound_.

 

He slowly walked towards it and froze as he watched Poe setting the table, humming to himself.

 

He looked up to see Kes, wide-eyed, walking in from the kitchen.  The two of them shared a look.  _Is he really…?_

 

Kes nodded, his eyes watering.  He backed up into the kitchen before wiping them.

 

Finn didn’t want to break the spell but he also didn’t want Poe to look up and catch him staring, so he walked back into the great room and made a bunch of noise walking towards the dining room.

 

Poe stopped humming and looked up with a smile.  “Home?”

 

“Yeah,” Finn said, still a bit in shock.  “How was your day,” he asked, walking over and giving Poe a quick kiss on the cheek.

 

“Good,” Poe said.  “Yours?”

 

“Uhhhhhhhh…” _You were humming!_   Finn wanted to let out a whoop or scream or—he felt there should be fireworks or something—instead he shrugged.  “It’s getting better.”

 

Poe smiled.  “Good.”

 

 


	6. War Stories

 

 

**18 months after Starkiller…**

Poe fell back onto the bed, panting.  Finn closed his eyes, smiling and listening to it, the sweat on his forehead already cooling in the air.

 

“Kriff,” Poe finally huffed out.

 

“Yeah,” Finn answered.  He swallowed, realizing his throat was a bit sore.  “Kriff, how loud was I?”

 

Poe chuckled.  “Let’s just say that we owe the beings in the next bunk a drink.  Or two.”

 

“I’m pretty sure no one is living there anymore for that very reason.”

 

Poe laughed.  He leaned up on his elbow, looking down at Finn.  He brought up one of his fingers to trace a bead of sweat on Finn’s chest.

 

Finn looked up, savoring that drowsy, lovestruck look in Poe’s eyes.  _I want to spend the rest of my life with this man._

 

Poe stopped tracing and cocked his head to the side.  “What?”

 

Finn smiled.  “Poe, I know that we’re in the middle of a war and all, but—”

 

Poe’s comm link dinged.  “Crap.  Just a second, honey.”  He crawled over Finn to answer it.  “What,” he snapped.

 

Snap’s voice came through.  “Sorry, just wanted to give you a heads up.  We’ve got a scouting assignment tomorrow morning, bright and early.  Seems we have reports of Order activity near Selvaris.”

 

“Okay,” Poe said.  “I’ll see you then.”  He turned back to the bed with a lascivious smile.  “Now, where were we?”

 

Finn frowned.

 

Poe shook his head.  “You heard him.  It’s a scouting trip, nothing major.”

 

“I know.  I just…”

 

Poe leaned down and kissed Finn.  “It’s nothing.  I’ll be home before you know it.”

 

**# # # #**

**10 years after Starkiller (week 14)…**

Cass stared down at the vegetables on his plate, thoroughly unimpressed.  Frina rolled her eyes and said, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all hate it, but it’s what we’re eating.”

 

Maddy chuckled and leaned towards Finn, “Kind of makes you miss the days of protein rations, eh?”

 

Finn chuckled.  “I will never miss those days.”  He looked down at his plate.  “No matter how many vegetables they try to stuff in me.”

 

“I told you so,” Poe sing-song whispered. 

 

Finn gave him a quizzical look before suddenly flashing on a memory from before Poe’s accident.  _Moof-milker_ , he mouthed at Poe.

 

Kes and Lou were tearing into their meals.  “I don’t know what you nerf-herders are talking about, this stuff is good,” he said.

 

“That’s because you put enough butter on it to choke a wampa,” Poe said.

 

Kes raised an eyebrow and then shrugged.

 

Lou spooned another mouthful in and then, with her mouth still full, announced, “I like it.”

 

“See,” Frina said.  “The girl knows what’s what.”

 

Poe shook his head.  “But maybe just like once a week, we could do something…”  He shrugged.  “Different?”

 

“Yes,” Cass said, looking up.

 

Finn looked at Poe, impressed.

 

Frina rolled her eyes.  “Fine.  How about this?  From now on, at the end of the week, Cass and Poe can choose what we’re having for dinner?”

 

Poe smiled and was gratified to see Cass smiling too.  “Sound good?”

 

“Definitely,” Cass said, looking back down at his vegetables.

 

“But that means you eat up now,” Frina said. 

 

There were groans from around the table, but Lou held out her now-empty plate.  “Can I have seconds?”

 

**# # # #**

 

The next morning, Finn got up early, deciding to take an extra-long run.  He’d made it to the little trail that followed the western boundary of the property when he noticed someone following him.  It took him a few more minutes to figure out who it was.

 

Finn smiled, shaking his head.  _Cass, Cass, Cass._

 

Finn pushed himself to go just a bit faster, curious if the boy would try to keep up.

 

Finn was happy to note that he did.

 

**# # # #**

 

For the next three mornings, Cass followed Finn on his morning run.  On the fourth morning, Finn came downstairs to find Cass waiting for him.

 

Cass looked at his feet as he said, “So, uh, you wanna go for a run?” 

 

Finn didn’t want to appear too eager, but inside he was cheering.  “Sure.  Let me get my shoes.” 

 

**# # # #**

 

It became a part of Finn’s daily ritual.  He’d get up, dress, and meet Cass downstairs for a run or two around the perimeter.  They didn’t talk much, simply ran side by side in silence, and when they finished, Cass would go up to his room before changing and starting on his chores and Finn would go upstairs to the fresher, change clothes, and then get started on his work around the ranch.

 

After about a week, though, Finn started talking.  Not a lot, just pointing out things about the ranch or the beings they passed.

 

After two weeks of that, Cass started asking questions.  At first, they were about the ranch, but then, they were about Finn’s past—especially his time as a Stormtrooper and then later, as a Resistance fighter.

 

“You interested in that,” Finn finally asked one day as they were cooling down after a run.

 

“Being a soldier?”

 

“Yeah,” Finn said, groaning into a stretch.

 

Cass shrugged.  “Figure it’s what I was made for.”

 

Finn worked hard not to bristle at that.  “Doesn’t mean that’s what you have to do.”

 

Cass nodded.  After a moment’s thought, he said, “But I think I’d be good at it.”

 

Finn sat down, stretching out his legs.  “Why?”

 

Cass shrugged again, mimicking Finn’s moves.  “I…”  He frowned.  “I just…”  He looked up at Finn.  “You and Kes and Maddy, you all seem…”  He shrugged again and leaned over into his stretch.  “I just figured…”

 

Finn could hear the frustration in the boy’s voice.  “Well,” he said, “if you want to go to the Academy, you’ll have to have some education.  They won’t accept you if you can’t read or write and if you don’t have some basic knowledge of history and the like.”  He deliberately kept his eyes on his hands.

 

Cass sighed.  “Why does that matter?”

 

Finn stopped stretching and sat up.  “Because there’s a difference between being a soldier and being a drone.  Stormtroopers were trained to be unthinking machines.  Real soldiers have to be able to think.  They need to be able to do calculations and make educated guesses, and you can’t do that without some studying.”  He shook his head, pushing himself up.  “If you want to be cannon fodder, then you don’t need an education, but if you want to lead and protect others, you need to learn.”

 

Cass’ mouth twisted.  It wasn’t quite a frown, but Finn couldn’t read it.  Eventually, the boy nodded and pushed himself up.

 

The two walked back to the house without saying another word.

 

**# # # #**

 

**10 years after Starkiller (week 20)…**

Poe leaned in Xan’s doorway—ze was leaving zirs door open more and more these days.  _Baby steps_ , Poe thought to himself as he cleared his throat to get Xan’s attention.

 

“Finished with your school work?”

 

Xan smiled.  “I’m finished for the rest of the week.”

 

Poe shook his head, a huge grin on his face.  “None of us are gonna be able to keep up with you, are we?”

 

Xan shrugged, but zirs smile remained.

 

“I was wondering if you felt up for a little journey outside.  Thought I’d show you the Force tree.”

 

“Force tree?”

 

Poe nodded.  “Yeah.  My mom, she helped out Luke Skywalker once, right after the Battle of Endor, and he gave her a special Force tree as a thank you.”

 

Xan seemed to consider it for a moment before standing up.  “Okay.”

 

“Great,” Poe said. 

 

The two of them went downstairs and out the back door.  Poe pointed to a tree on the edge of one of the fields.  “It doesn’t look like much from far away, but when you get close to it,” he shook his head, “I don’t know.  It’s like, it’s humming or something?”  He laughed.  “Whatever it is, it’s nice.”

 

“So why do you go to the ship and not to the tree when you’re upset?”

 

Poe sighed.  “It’s a little quieter in the shed usually, and…”  He paused, trying to think of the right words.  “And it has a different energy.  With the tree, it’s peaceful and all, but with the ship, it’s like my mama is there.”

 

Xan nodded, considering Poe’s words.  “Never had a mother.”

 

Poe’s breath caught a bit at that.  “Yeah.”  He ran a hand through his hair, unsure what to say.  “How do you feel about that?”

 

Xan shrugged.  “I have Maddy.”

 

Poe pointed to the tree and then sat down under it.  “And he loves you guys with all his heart.”

 

Xan sat down next to Poe and leaned back into the bark.  Ze closed zirs eyes.  “You can feel it.”

 

“Yeah,” Poe said.  “Finn says that’s the Force and that the tree magnifies it or something.”

 

“Hmmmmmm.”

 

Poe studied Xan for a minute or so before the child opened zirs eyes and gave Poe a pointed look.

 

Poe blushed and turned.  “Sorry,” he said.  “I just…”  He stared at his feet.  “I don’t want to push you, you know, but I also want you to feel comfortable if you’ve got questions or if you just…”  He shrugged.  “I don’t know.  Wanna talk or something?”

 

Xan smiled at the man.  “I’m okay.”

 

“No.  I mean, yeah, of course, just…”  Poe chuckled.  “Man, I suck at all of this.”  He ran a hand through his hair.  “Believe it or not, I used to be pretty good at…”  _So many things_.

 

Xan’s smile grew.  “It’s okay.  You’re still pretty good at stuff.”

 

“Thanks for that.”

 

They sat there in silence until Xan said, “I looked you up.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.  You and Finn and Kes.”

 

“And what did you find?”

 

“Your hair used to be darker.”

 

Poe laughed.  “Yeah, it’s been going grey for a while now.”

 

“There were lots of pictures of you and Finn during the war, too.  Together.  You looked happy.”

 

“We were.  Still are.”  _Mostly._

 

“What happened to you?”  Poe bristled, so ze continued: “Not the torture,” Xan said, running a finger along one of the tree’s roots.  “But after.  You didn’t go back to the Resistance, and Finn said he came back after the war, so…”

 

Poe hadn’t expected the conversation to take that turn.  He opened his mouth and froze.

 

“You don’t have to talk about it,” Xan said.

 

“No, it’s not that.  It’s just…”  Poe leaned his head back against the tree.  “After…  after the torture, when Finn found me, I was angry and I was in a lot of pain, and Finn was…well, he was amazing.  But I thought that he was going to waste his life if he stayed with me and…”  Poe looked at Xan.  “I think sometimes we’re meaner to ourselves than we’d ever be to anyone else, you know?  Like, I thought Finn could do better, but that was only because I’d decided that I was defective or something.”

 

“What happened?”

 

Poe gave a soft chuckle.  “Well, you’ve met Finn.  He doesn’t give up that easily.”  He smiled, remembering the day Finn had shown up on the ranch after the war.  “And I started being nicer to myself.  Went to a lot of therapy and just…”  He shrugged.  “I learned to love who I am.”  He looked at Xan.  “It isn’t always easy, but I try to remember that I’m more than just an ex-pilot or solider.  Those are just labels. They don’t tell you who I am.  You know?”

 

Xan nodded.  “Makes sense.”  Ze looked over at Poe and smiled.  “I like you and Finn together.”

 

“Me too.”  Poe smiled and then looked around.  “You know, I proposed to him under this very tree.”  He pointed to a patch of ground a few feet over.  “And we got married right there.”

 

Xan hummed.  “What was that like?”

 

Poe laughed.  “Oh kid, are you really sure you want that story?  Because I can go on for hours.”

 

Xan smiled and nodded.

 

“Well, I guess to start with, you have to know that once we decided to get married, we both decided that it needed to happen fast…”

 

**# # # #**

 

A week later, Finn found Poe out in the back garden after dinner.  He pointed to the house.  “Kes asked some beings over.  We were going to drink and talk and…”

 

Poe nodded.  “Go on without me.”

 

“You sure?”

 

“Yeah, I,” he pointed to the shed, “I need some alone time.”

 

Finn nodded and started to the house, but then he stopped and turned.  “When you’re through, if you’re feeling up to it, just poke your head in?”

 

Poe nodded.  “Okay.”

 

**# # # #**

 

Poe came back in from the shed an hour later to find Finn, Maddy, and some of the beings from the Western House sitting around the dining room table with Kes.  They were laughing and talking.  Finn looked up, met Poe’s eye and waited for the signal that Poe was okay before returning to the conversation.

 

Poe gave him a tiny nod and Finn was right back into it.

 

“But the worst,” Maddy said, “was when something itched.”

 

“Oh man,” Finn said.  “I’d forgotten about that!”

 

Maddy shook his head.  He hacked out a cough before grabbing his drink.  After a quick sip, he said, “The only way to scratch your nose was to take that kriffing helmet off.”

 

“Yes,” Finn said, “because the way those things were designed, you couldn’t just tilt it up and get your hand in.  No.  You had to take the damn thing off.”

 

“Not about subtlety, the Order,” Maddy said.

 

“No,” Finn said, chuckling.  “And not about making it easy for a guy who has to stand next to a door for eight hours a day.”

 

“So basically,” a human named Arless asked, “you’re saying that we could’ve won the war a lot faster if we’d just started spraying you guys with itching powder?”

 

Maddy laughed.  “It would’ve been over in an instant!”

 

Finn added, “Oh that should’ve been our propaganda: come to the Resistance, we’ll let you scratch your kriffing nose!”

 

The whole table erupted.

 

Poe leaned against the wall and watched them.  Seeing Maddy fitting in was great, but listening to Finn laugh always made Poe feel better.

 

Finn looked over at Poe, another check in.  Poe nodded.

 

Finn shook his head and beckoned Poe to the table.  He raised an eyebrow.  _If you’re up for it?_

 

Poe gave it a second’s thought and pushed off the wall, walking towards Finn, who pulled a chair over next to him.

 

“Poe,” said Kirrit-gul, one of their newer refugees, “we were just trading war stories.”

 

“So I gathered.”  He sat down and Finn took his hand, squeezing.  “Someday, you should have this one tell you about Starkiller and his big plan to save the day.”  Poe winked at Finn.

 

“It’s called winging it,” Finn said.  “And it all worked out!”

 

Finn could tell, even with the glasses, Poe was rolling his eyes.

 

“Fine,” Finn said.  He leaned forward.  “So, we’re gonna go blow up Starkiller, and they need someone to lower the shields.  We’ll here’s the thing.  My best friend had been kidnapped by the Order and I was sure as hell not going to leave her there, so I had to get on that planet.  I figured, I worked there and I’d just figure something out when we landed.”

 

“Like any good soldier,” said Ryight.

 

Poe shook his head.  “And you add to this that he’s flying in with Han Solo.”

 

There were gasps and groans from around the table.

 

“Wait,” Maddy asked, “ _the_ Han Solo, the Rebellion General?”

 

“Yeah,” Finn said, “among other things.  And Solo’s brilliant plan for getting us onto the planet without tipping off the Order was to come in doing lightspeed.”

 

“What?!?”

 

Poe leaned back in his chair.  Every time he heard the story, he couldn’t tell if he wanted to be pissed at Solo for endangering his future husband or in awe of the pure moxie it took to pull that move off.

 

Finn chuckled, “The landing was a bit rough.”  Kes raised an eyebrow at Finn.  “Fine, it was a lot rough.”  He got a faraway look in his eye.  “So anyway, we make it to one of the entrances and that’s when Solo asks me what my plan is.”

 

Poe starts shaking his head and smiling.

 

“Let me tell it,” Finn says to him.

 

“What?  I’m just…”  He shakes his head again.  “I just can’t believe you pulled it off.”

 

“Nearly didn’t,” Finn said.

 

Kes cleared his throat.

 

Finn turned back to the table.  “Yeah, so anyway, we’re trying to get into the base and Solo asks me how we’re going to disable the shields and I figure I might as well come clean with him, so I tell him I have no kriffing idea.  I tell him we’ll use the Force.”  Half the table rolls their eyes.  Finn smiles.  “Needless to say, that didn’t go over well.  Even though if you think about it, his entire career was pretty much winging it.”

 

“Truer words have never been spoken,” Kes said.

 

“We get inside and I start coming up with an idea.  One of those plans that is 90% luck and good timing?”

 

The whole table murmured their agreement.

 

“But we’ve also got to find Rey, my friend.”

 

“The Force-user,” asked Kirrit-gul.

 

“The very one,” Poe said.

 

Maddy shook his head.  “Something tells me she probably didn’t need much help.”

 

Finn laughed.  “Yeah, we came up with this elaborate plan to get her out and then Han turns and looks out a window to see her climbing around one of the hangars.” 

 

“I wonder how many troopers saw her and thought _not my job_ ,” Maddy asks Finn.

 

Finn chuckled and nodded.  “I’ve always wondered the same thing.”

 

Poe raised an eyebrow, so Finn clarified, “Number one rule you learn as a trooper.  Unless it’s an emergency or an order—”

 

He and Maddy said at the same time, “don’t get involved.”

 

The whole table erupted in laughter.

 

Kes shook his head.  “Seriously!  How did we not win that war years earlier?”

 

As the laughter died down, Finn said, “But anyway, the shields.  And this happens before we found Rey, but I figure if we can catch someone with enough rank, they’ll be able to get into the system and manually lower the shields.  And who should we get?”  Finn smiles.  “Phasma.”

 

Maddy took in a sharp breath.

 

“We get her to lower the shields...”  Poe and Kes shares a look that Finn didn’t miss.  “What?”

 

Poe nodded to Kes, who said, “Son, in all the years since then have you ever asked yourself why Phasma, of all beings, was so accommodating that day?”

 

There were a few snickers around the table as some of the others caught on.

 

“We had a gun on her.”

 

The table collectively groaned.

 

Poe squeezed his husband’s hand.  “And Rey wasn’t the only Force-user on the station that day, either.”

 

Finn’s eyes went wide and he leaned back into his chair.  “Kriff!”  He closed his eyes and shook his head.  “I totally…”

 

“Yep,” Poe said.

 

Maddy looked a bit confused.

 

Kes leaned over.  “Our boy here is Force-sensitive.  He’s not doing any of that fancy stuff that Rey does, but he has his moments.”

 

Maddy looked over at Finn, clearly impressed.

 

“So when I told Solo that we’d use the Force?”

 

Poe chuckled, “You were 100% right.”

 

Finn shook his head and muttered, “That’s not how the Force works.”  He looked up at the table.  “Okay, so after I used Force Persuasion on Phasma to get her to lower the shields…”  The whole table laughed.  “Solo had the best idea ever, which was to send her down a garbage chute.”

 

There were several hisses and laughs at that.

 

“How in the hell did that chrome bitch survive that,” Maddy asked.

 

“No idea,” Finn said, “But let me tell you, the next time she and I faced off, she was PISSED.”

 

Everyone laughed.

 

Kes looked up at the chrono and rose with a sigh.  “Okay, okay, we should probably call it a night.  Most of us have an early day tomorrow.”

 

“Always have an early day,” said Ryight.

 

“Kes just likes to Papa Bear us all to death,” said Arless rising.

 

The beings from the Western House said their goodbyes and Maddy and Kes made their way to their rooms.

 

Finn and Poe stayed at the table, still holding hands.  When everyone had gone, Poe squeezed Finn’s hand.  “You really didn’t realize that you were using…?”

 

“Nope,” Finn said, running his free hand over his face.  “I feel like I should go back and re-evaluate my entire life now.”

 

Poe chuckled and rose.  “Well, maybe not tonight, though, eh?”

 

“Yeah,” Finn said, rising.  “Probably ought to save that for the morning.”  He stopped and wrapped his arms around Poe.  “I’m glad you joined us.”

 

“Me too,” Poe said.  He looked at the table.  “I think sometimes I might err on the side of being too careful.”

 

Finn nodded.  “Yeah, I know.”  He tugged Poe towards their room.

 

“Forgot what it was like to sit around bullshitting with other soldiers.”

 

“It’s nice,” Finn said.  “And I’m glad no one seems to care about Maddy.”

 

Poe nodded.  “The universe is basically full of good beings.”

 

Finn shook his head, chuckling.  “Wow, you really are in a good mood tonight.”

 

Poe playfully swatted at his husband.  “Be quiet, you.” 

 

The two slowly made their way upstairs, nuzzling and joking and trading little insults, and well into the night, there were the sounds of a happy conversation coming from their room.

 

**# # # #**

 

The next morning, Aloote looked up to see Cass in the doorway of her makeshift classroom, holding Lou’s hand.  Lou let go of it and scampered into the room.  When Cass didn’t move away, Aloote said, “Yes?”

 

Cass frowned and then stepped forward.  “Finn said that to get into the Academy, I’d need to have some schooling?”

 

Aloote smiled.  “He’s right.  Depending on what you intended to do there, you might need mathematics or language or any number of other things.”

 

“And you could teach me that?”

 

Aloote nodded.  “I could,” she said.  “But…”

 

“But?”

 

“But you would have to give me your word that you’d commit to this.  It couldn’t be the sort of thing that you try for a while and then leave when you get frustrated or upset.”

 

Cass tensed and Aloote was afraid she might have pushed too far, but the boy took a deep breath and then nodded.  “I can do that.”

 

“Are you sure,” Aloote asked, walking over.

 

He nodded again. 

 

She held out her hand.  Cass took it.  “Then, welcome to school, Cass.”

 

**# # # #**

 

Three nights later, most of the beings at the ranch were seated out in front of the Western House, a huge bonfire burning in front of them.

 

Ryight and Arless had pulled out instruments and were tuning them.  Finn loved the sound of it—something he never would’ve heard had he remained in the Order—it was imperfect, and some might say grating, but he enjoyed the disjointedness of it, how it didn’t quite fit together but held the promise of something that would.

 

He glanced over to where Frina was sitting with Lou and Lu.  She and Lu were teaching Lou how to braid using long stalks of grass from the fields.  He smiled watching Lou’s chubby fingers trying to get the pattern right.

 

As the music started, he slipped a hand around his husband and sighed contentedly as Poe leaned into him a bit.  The fire popped, and on the other side of it, he could hear children running and screaming with laughter.  Kes, Maddy, and a few others were sitting well outside the light but Finn could make out gestures—hands raised, catching the light—as they shared war stories. 

 

Way off in the distance, Cass and Xan were sitting, talking.  They noticed Finn.  He gave them a nod in greeting and they both nodded back.  He smiled and refocused on the musicians.  One of the older residents of the ranch, Sabé, started humming out a song.  After a few moments, she began to sing.  Her voice wasn’t perfect, but it was low and earthy and it seemed to fit the night.  Finn closed his eyes, tapping his foot along to the music.  He could hear Poe just barely humming along.  Finn could feel it vibrate across his chest and it was one of those tiny, perfect feelings—those moments he’d been gathering since he’d defected that proved, for all its mess, for all the pain and death and heartache, life outside the Order was amazing.

 

He pulled Poe just a little closer and let the music fill his senses.

 

He wasn’t sure when it happened, but at some point, Poe’s humming became louder and eventually, Poe was singing along with Sabé.  Finn’s eyes flew open.  He didn’t dare move, for fear of breaking the spell, but he searched the crowd. 

 

Kes had stepped into the light on the far side of the bonfire.  He was looking at Poe as if he were seeing a ghost.  He caught Finn’s eyes and nodded, as if that were the confirmation he needed that this was really happening.  Finn swallowed and tried his hardest not to cry, seeing that Kes was already stepping back from the flames, wiping his eyes.

 

As the song came to an end, the group applauded.  Sabé leaned over towards Finn and Poe.  “Didn’t know you could sing,” she said.

 

Poe nodded, suddenly sheepish.  “Been a while,” he said.

 

“You’ve got a good voice,” Sabé said.

 

Several others agreed.

 

Poe turned to Finn, who was wiping his eyes.  Poe lifted an eyebrow.  “Smoke,” Finn said.  “It’s doing numbers on me.”

 

Poe chuckled and leaned in close.  “Liar.”

 

Lou came running over with a long braid of grass in her hands.  “Look!”

 

Poe smiled and examined the braid.  “That’s wonderful, sweetie.  Have you showed Maddy or Cass and Xan?”

 

Lou ran towards Maddy, holding her braid out in front of her.

 

Lu sat down next to Poe on the log.  “You gonna sing some more?”

 

Poe shrugged.

 

“It’s nice,” she said.

 

“It is,” Finn added.

 

Arless held up his guitar.  “Want to try another one?”

 

“Sure,” Poe said.  “Do you know _The Broken Circle_?”

 

The musicians started and soon, Poe and Sabé were singing a sad song from the Rebellion era.

 

Poe eventually got up to stand closer to the musicians.

 

Lu scooted over towards Finn.  “Did he sing before?”

 

Finn didn’t trust his voice so he simply nodded.

 

“I figured.”  She played with a bit of braided grass in her lap.  “I’ve only ever known him after, so this is all normal to me, but sometimes, I’ll see the way you and Kes look at him and I wonder…”  She started undoing the braid.  “I know he was this big war hero and all, but I’ve always thought he was pretty amazing like this.”

 

Finn nodded.  He pulled Lu into a small hug.  “That he is,” he said _.  That he is._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to the SWWA for help with song titles.


	7. Memorials

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder, please be mindful of the tags.
> 
> Check the end notes for a spoilery cw (that's also in the tags)

 

 

**Four years after Starkiller…**

Poe stood at the wall, his fingers tracing over the Aurebesh.  It was a small memorial that had been with the Resistance from the beginning, a simple way to honor all the beings who gave their lives for the cause.

 

He found L’ulo’s name and then Ello’s.  He let his fingers ride over the ridges of others—friends, colleagues, beings who’d served under him.

 

And then his breath caught.

 

_Poe Dameron_

 

He pulled his hand back from the wall and stared at it.  The white lettering carved into the black wall.

 

_Poe Dameron_

 

No rank.  No explanation.  Just the name.

 

Poe stared at it, trying to feel something, trying to know what he was supposed to feel.  Was it supposed to hurt?  Was it supposed to make him mad?  Spur him to action?

 

He swallowed, hard, as his eyes filled with tears, but he couldn’t look away.

 

_Poe Dameron_

 

He blinked and realized he had no idea how long he’d been staring.  It could’ve been five seconds.  It might’ve been five years.  He backed away from the memorial. 

 

He could hear Kaydel’s voice down the hall.  He wiped his eyes and began walking towards the med bay.  “Poe!”  Kaydel was calling him.  “Hey, Poe!”

 

He took a breath, closed his eyes, and tried to pretend he was all right.  He turned.  “Kaydel.”

 

“General Organa would like to see you,” she said.

 

He nodded.  He’d been avoiding her since they’d returned from the mission to M-11.  “I’ll be there in a few minutes,” he said. 

 

Kaydel smiled and walked back towards command.

 

 _Time to say goodbye_ , Poe thought.  He spared one last glance at the memorial wall. 

 

**# # # #**

**11 years after Starkiller (week 32)…**

Maddy and the kids had been at the ranch eight months when Maddy passed away late one afternoon.  He’d been dozing in one of the chairs in the great room, and he simply never woke up.

**# # # #**

 

Finn stretched his neck as he walked through the back door.  He stepped to the side as Xan, Cass, Lou, Frina, and Kes followed.  Poe was going to go visit his mother’s A-wing.

 

Xan and Cass went upstairs.  Lou curled up into Frina’s lap in the great room.

 

Kes said, “I’ll make something to eat.”

 

Finn nodded.  He stood next to the door, trying to decide what he should do.  They’d held a little service, out at Poe’s memorial garden.  It had been an awkward affair—no one quite sure what to say or do—and now they were all back here, trying to figure out what happened next.

 

There was a rumble of thunder.  Finn turned, looking out at the back garden.  He felt jittery, like he needed to run.

 

He thought about helping Kes with the food or going upstairs to check on the kids, but instead he walked to the comm terminal.  He picked up his datapad and scrolled through it until he found the contact information he was looking for.  He punched it in and waited.

 

A young man, about twenty-four, answered the comm.  “Finn?”  He broke into a smile.  “Finn, it’s been forever!”

 

“Hey Jordi, how are you?”

 

“I’m good.  The center just got a huge donation, so we’ve been expanding.”

 

“That’s great,” Finn said.  Jordi was an ex-trooper, who was now in charge of one of the largest help centers for ex-Stormtroopers in the galaxy.  “I was wondering, do you have access to information on old trooper training facilities?”

 

Jordi frowned.  “Yeah, Jess Pava said you might be in touch.”

 

Finn tensed.

 

Jordi said, “I can send you what I’ve got, based on the troopers that have come here, but it’s not complete.  For that, you’d probably need to hit up some of your old government contacts.”

 

Finn nodded.  He was trying not to do that.  Jess was being extremely generous; he doubted his old government friends would be quite as understanding.  “Thanks, Jordi.  I appreciate it.”

 

Jordi nodded and then said, “Finn, I heard about your situation with the guy…”

 

“Maddy,” Finn said.

 

“Yeah, and if you ever want to talk about it or…”

 

“Thanks,” Finn said.  He took a breath.  He needed everyone to stop treating him like he was the one with the problem.

 

“Umm, I’ll send that over tonight.”

 

“Great,” Finn said.  “I really appreciate it.”

 

“Sure,” Jordi said.  He frowned, concern clear on his face.  “Finn, are you sure you’re—”

 

“I have to go, Jordi, but thanks again.”

 

“Sure,” Jordi said as Finn cut off the comm.

 

He leaned back, staring at the blank screen.  _Why can’t they just let me have this?_

 

**# # # #**

 

Poe had placed the polished rock with Maddy’s name on it in the far corner of his little memorial garden, next to L’ulo’s rock. 

 

Once they’d finished their little memorial service, he’d stayed, telling Finn he was going to visit his mother’s A-wing.  He waited until everyone else was inside and then he bent over.  “Lu, this is Maddy.  Look after him, okay?”  Poe closed his eyes, smiling.  He took in a deep breath and put his hand on Maddy’s rock.  _We’re gonna take care of them, Maddy.  You don’t ever have to worry about that, okay?_

 

He cleared his throat, fighting back any new tears, and stood.  He nodded to his mother’s stone before turning and heading to the shed.

 

**# # # #**

 

The next day, Poe stood in the hallway upstairs, frowning.  He’d seen Lou earlier.  She was with Lu downstairs.

 

He could hear Xan in zirs room, but a quick glance inside Cass’ room and no Cass.  “Finn,” he called out, “You seen Cass?”

 

“No,” came Finn’s reply from the room with the comm terminal.

 

Poe tried not to let that worry him.  “Dad, you seen Cass?  Girls?”

 

A trio of _no_ s floated up to him. 

 

Poe knocked on Xan’s door.  “Xan?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“You seen Cass?”

 

“No,” Xan said.

 

Poe frowned.  “You need anything?”

 

“No.”

 

Poe contemplated opening the door and then decided against it.  “Okay, let me know, though, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

Poe went downstairs into the comm room.  Finn flinched, gathering up his datapad and some flimsi.

 

Poe elected to ignore it.  “I’m gonna comm Frina, see if Cass is over there.”

 

Finn nodded, moving to the other side of the room.

 

A few minutes later, when Frina confirmed that Cass wasn’t at the Western House, Poe was worried.  He asked Finn, “Where do you two go on your runs?”

 

“We usually run around the perimeter,” Finn said, “but,” he nodded to the rain-streaked window, “not in this weather.”

 

“So, we need to go looking,” Kes said from the doorway.

 

Poe startled but then nodded.  “Yeah, I have a feeling that he…”

 

“He ran away,” Kes said.

 

“Kriff,” Finn said.  “I’ll call Frina back and tell her to get some beings.”

 

Kes nodded to Poe, “And we’ll start over in the sheds.”

 

**# # # #**

 

Two hours later, most of the ranch was still out looking for Cass.  Finn had finally sent Poe back to the Main House, fearing that with his eyesight and the bad weather, his husband might get hurt.  That had not been a friendly conversation, and in fact, it had ended with Poe huffing out a terse “Fine,” and stomping back to the house.

 

Since then, Finn had been trying to reach out to Cass using the Force, but he wasn’t having much luck.  He knew Cass was alive and nearby, but he couldn’t get more of a read than that.

 

_Everything is fucking falling apart._

 

As the rain picked up again, Finn walked towards a path he and Cass liked to run, away from the other beings searching.  He knew that Cass wasn’t there, but he just needed a few minutes away from the others.  Once he was sure there was no one else around, Finn walked up to the nearest tree, yelling, as he kicked it.

 

Pain radiated up his leg and he bit back a yelp as he jumped onto the other leg.  He fell against the tree, panting, and let out another yell as he slowly slid down the tree to the ground.

 

_I knew this would happen._

 

He pulled his legs up to him, let his head fall forward, and covered it with his arms as sobs wreaked his frame.

_I knew we’d fuck this up._

_Knew I’d fuck this up._

 

He leaned back.  _And Poe’s gonna get worse and it’s…_

 

He was hyperventilating.  He grabbed the tree, trying to get his breathing under control as the rain poured down on him.

 

A few minutes later, he pushed himself up.  His leg was still sore but nothing was broken.  He wiped his eyes with his hands, squared his shoulders and started back towards the main house.  He set his lips together, vowing that no one was going to see him come undone. 

 

_I’m fine._

_I’m perfectly fine._

_I can handle this._

_I’m not going to fall apart._

He was biting his cheek so hard, he could taste blood.

 

_  
I can handle this._

 

# # # #

 

Kes eventually walked into the jungle towards a place where Poe used to go as a teenager to smoke and fool around.  Kes smiled.  _Always thought he was pulling a fast one_.  He shook his head. 

 

By the time he reached the spot, he was soaked through, but sure enough, sitting between two tall trees was Cass.

 

When Cass spotted Kes, he crossed his arms, scowling.  “I guess I have to come back now.”

 

Kes walked forward, shaking his head.  “You can do whatever you damn well please.”

 

Cass was not expecting that response, but he rebounded quickly.  “Well, good.  ‘Cause I don’t wanna go back.”

 

“Okay, so is the plan to live out here in the jungle or what?  Go to town and stow away on a transport or something?”

 

“What do you care,” Cass yelled.  “You never wanted us here!  You’d be happier if we were gone.”

 

Kes shook his head and leaned against a tree.  “Kid, you really think Maddy would leave you with beings who didn’t want you?  Beings who were going to treat you bad?”

 

Cass pulled his knees up to his body, but didn’t say anything.

 

“Let me tell you something.  I thought this was a terrible idea when Poe and Finn showed up with you guys.  Not because I didn’t like you, but because those two have been through a lot in their lives and I thought this was going to add to it.”  He squatted down to stare at Cass.  “But things have been pretty good.  Bumpy at times, sure, but I think we’ve all gotten along.”  He leaned in just a bit.  “And here’s the thing, Cass, you can hate us if you want.  Hell, you really want to run away, we’re not gonna be able to stop you, but it’s not going to change how any of us feel.”

 

Cass’ eyes bored into him.

 

Kes said, “Yeah, go right ahead and hate me.  You think I haven’t seen that before?  You really think that Poe didn’t run off screaming bloody murder when his mama died?  You think he didn’t say terrible things after Finn found him on Leritor?  Kriff, son, you don’t just love someone when they’re loveable.  Love is about putting up with this kind of banthashit.  Through thick and thin.”  He shook his head and slid down to the ground.  “When you love someone, that’s just how it works.”

 

Kes sighed, looking up into the canopy, letting the raindrops fall on his face.  “And for what it’s worth, I know how terrible it feels to lose someone you love.  When Shara died, trust me, I would’ve run away if I could, but I had Poe to look after.”  His voice got strained as he said, “When Poe died—or at least when I thought he was dead—there were days I couldn’t get out of bed.  Honestly, I wanted to die.”  He looked over at Cass.  “But that would’ve been a shitty way to honor his memory.”

 

Kes closed his eyes, remembering the comm from Leia just after Selvaris.  He’d fallen out of his chair onto the floor, crying for hours—his whole world over.  Losing Shara had been hard; losing Poe had damn near broken him.

 

Kes had no idea how long he was lost reliving that moment, but his eyes flew open as he felt Cass lean into him.  “I miss him,” Cass said.

 

“I know, son.  And I wish I could make it feel not so bad, but it’s gonna feel bad for a while.”  He wrapped an arm around Cass.  “It will get better, but it’s gonna take some time.”

 

The two of them sat there for another hour before Kes finally got up and offered Cass his hand.  The two walked back to the main house in silence.

 

**# # # #**

 

The next day, Poe knocked on Xan’s door.

 

“Go away,” Xan said.

 

“Xan,” Poe started.

 

“Go away.”

 

Poe sighed.  He walked a few feet down the hall and leaned against the wall.  He pushed his head into it, wishing that Xan would just open the door.  Poe closed his eyes.  _I wish I could hug you, kid._

 

**# # # #**

 

A few days later, the rain finally stopped.  Frina smiled and nodded at Lu, who was helping her grandfather with the accounting for the Western House.  Lou was in Lu’s lap watching as the older girl typed numbers into her datapad.

 

Frina sighed, turning back towards the yard.  These days Lou was Lu’s shadow.  Frina wasn’t even sure the girl had been back to the main house since just after the memorial.  _I should probably talk to Kes and the boys about that_.  She looked back inside, wishing she could take the little girl’s pain away.

 

She felt a terrible sadness rising up from her gut and she pushed it back down.  _There’s work to do,_ she told herself.

 

Frina put on her gloves and walked out towards a fence that needed mending.  _It just takes time_ , she told herself.  _Time_.  She pressed her lips together, refusing to cry.

 

**# # # #**

 

That night, Poe woke up and realized he was alone in bed.  He looked at the chrono and groaned.  He quietly padded downstairs to see Finn sitting at a desk, staring at his datapad.  “You gonna come to bed anytime soon?”

 

Finn startled.  “Uh,” he frowned, “What time is it?”

 

“Late,” Poe said.  “Real late.”

 

“Just another few minutes.”

 

“Finn—”

 

“Poe, I just want to finish this document, okay?”

 

Poe shook his head, too tired for an argument.  He went back upstairs.

 

**# # # #**

 

Poe wasn’t shocked when he woke up the next morning to discover that Finn had never come to bed.

 

Kes found Poe as he came downstairs.  “He’s in there,” he said, pointing to the comm room.  “Fell asleep on the desk.  Again.”

 

“Figured,” Poe said.

 

Kes crossed his arms.

 

“I’m trying, papa,” Poe said.  “It’s just—”

 

“Poe, he’s working himself to death and—”

 

“You think I don’t know that,” Poe hissed.  “I’m trying here.  Really.”  He stomped towards the room.  “I’ll take care of it.”

 

He went in and nudged Finn.  “Finn, sweetie?  Wake up.”

 

Finn blinked.  “What’s…”  He raised his head.  “Ow,” he said.  His back was killing him.

 

“Yeah, sleeping at the desk is probably not the best idea,” Poe said.

 

Finn shot him an annoyed glance.

 

“Fine,” Poe said.  “Look, if it were up to me, I’d send you to bed and let you get some rest, but you’re supposed to be helping Frina with the plans for the expansion today and…”

 

“Yeah,” Finn said, pushing himself up with a groan.  “Fine.”

 

“Hey,” Poe said.  “We need to talk.”

 

“Now,” Finn asked, clearly annoyed.

 

Poe deflated.  “No, later,” he said.  _Always later._ “Tonight after dinner, okay?”

 

“Yeah, whatever,” Finn said, padding towards the stairs.

 

 _Fuck_.  Poe balled his hands up into fists.  _Kriffing, fucking, fragging hell!_   He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before walking out to face his father.

 

Before Kes could say a word, Poe hissed, “I know!”  He stomped off towards the garden.

 

# # # #

 

Dinner was quiet.  Lou was at the Western house.  Xan was in zirs room.

 

Cass poked at his food.  Finn kept looking at the datapad in his lap.  Poe watched Finn.  Kes watched them all, getting progressively more and more agitated.

 

At the end of the meal, Kes rose and said, “Poe, Finn, could you go to the Western House for me?  Frina and Ryight wanted someone to look at the security system.”

 

“Sure,” Poe said.  He looked at Finn, who was still staring at his datapad.  “Finn?”

 

“Uh, yeah.  What?”  Finn finally looked up. 

 

“Western House?”

 

“Sure,” Finn said, “just give me a minute.”

 

“No,” Kes said.  He walked over and plucked the datapad out of Finn’s lap.  “Now.”

 

“What the kriff?”

 

“Dad,” Poe started.

 

“No, I don’t want to hear it.  The two of you need to go.  Now.”  He pointed to the front door.

 

Poe started that way.

 

Finn was still frozen at the table. 

 

“Finn,” Poe started.  “Just come on.”

 

Finn frowned and followed Poe out.  As soon as the front door closed, he said, “What in the hell was that?”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes, really,” Finn said, stopping.  “Is there a reason your father is suddenly treating me like a child?”

 

“Maybe it’s because you’re acting like one,” Poe muttered.

 

“What?”

 

 _Don’t pick a fight, Dameron_.  Poe sighed.  “He cares about you, nerfherder.  And anyway, we were supposed to talk tonight, remember?”

 

“I remember,” Finn lied.

 

Poe saw his father coming out of the house, fire in his eyes, and before Kes could speak, Poe grabbed Finn’s arm, tugging him towards the trail that led to the Western House.  “Yeah, we’re goin’.  We’re goin’,” he called over his shoulder.

 

Once they were well enough away from the house, Poe let go of Finn’s arm.  He chewed his lip for a few meters before stopping.  He looked down at the trail.  “Okay, I…”  He took a deep breath.  “I really don’t want to have a fight right now.”

 

“So, we don’t fight.”

 

Poe looked up and even with the glasses, even in the darkness, Finn could feel the anger in Poe’s eyes.  “All we do is fight these days.”

 

Finn rolled his eyes.  “Poe, I’m trying here.”

 

“That’s just it,” Poe said.  “You are trying so damn hard to take care of me, to take care of the kids, hell, to take care of this ranch and all of the Stormtroopers who ever lived, that you’re killing yourself.”

 

“You’re being a bit hyperbolic there.”

 

“Not really,” Poe said.  “I…  Fuck, I so don’t want to get into this now, but honestly, I feel like all this shit with Maddy and the kids is forcing my hand.  Back when I left the Resistance,” Poe could sense Finn tensing up, “Yeah, we’re gonna talk about this.”

 

 _Because this always has to be about you_ , Finn thought.  “Fine,” he bit out.  “I’ve always wanted to talk about this!  You’re the one who has always been so damned closed off about it!”

 

“That is not true.”

 

“Right.”

 

Poe stopped and counted to ten silently.  He then said, in as measured a voice as he could muster, “I will admit that back then, I pushed you away, and I did it because I didn’t want you to waste your life protecting me.”

 

“I wouldn’t have been wasting my—”

 

“Just let me fucking finish.”

 

“Fine.”

 

“Waste your life is a strong term, but… Yeah, at the time, I thought my life was effectively over.  I couldn’t fly.  I couldn’t really serve anymore, and I was having to see the therapist all the damn time, so yes, I made a decision to cut you out of that, because I didn’t want that to be your life too.”

 

“It still should have been my choice.”

 

“Yes,” Poe said.  “I agree!”

 

Finn didn’t have a response to that and as much as he was trying to hold onto his anger, Poe being brutally honest was not helping.

 

“But here’s the thing,” Poe said, “you have this tendency to compartmentalize, to pretend that nothing is bothering you.  And as selfish and stupid as I might have been, I hope that we’re both adult enough to admit that if I had stayed with you, you would’ve never told me if it got to be too much.  You would’ve gone right on pretending that everything was fine.”

 

“I don’t know if that’s—”

 

“Finn,” Poe said, exasperated.

 

“Fine.  There might be something to that, but…”

 

“So what I’m saying now is let me in.”

 

“Oh that sounds familiar.”

 

Poe opened his mouth.  He shook his head.  “What do you want from me, Finn?  You want my blood?  You want me to beg for forgiveness?  What?”  He threw up his hands and walked a tight circle before stopping.  “I said I was sorry.  I said it then and I’m saying it now, and honestly, all of that happened years ago.  But the point is, that right here, right now, you are trying to pretend that everything is okay, and it isn’t.”  Poe made a frustrated noise.  “You spend all your kriffing time talking to ex-troopers or going over old reports and—”

 

“And basically, I’m supposed to be the bigger man here, yeah?  Like, you can push me away—for my own good—and I’m supposed to let you, but when I try to work through some shit without your help, I’m in the wrong?”

 

Poe’s eyes filled with tears.  He walked back over to Finn and leaned in.  “Is that it?  Is that going to be the fight we have for the rest of our lives?  I screwed up and now we have to pay for it forever?  Because if that’s how things are gonna be, I’m telling you right now that I’m not gonna stand for it.  I was messed up and hurting.  _And so were you_.  This isn’t all on me, Finn!”  He stopped to catch his breath, quickly wiping at the tears streaming down his cheeks.  “AND I will not stand here and be punished for all my past indiscretions.  Yes, I screwed up!  Hell, I lost my eyesight because I screwed up!  You think I don’t have to face that every day I fucking look around and realize that it’s only a matter of time before I’m back in the dark?”  He wiped more tears away.  “But that doesn’t give you or anyone else the right to keep throwing it in my face.”  Poe walked about ten feet away, his back to Finn.  He was still wiping his cheeks.

 

Finn stood there, numb, watching his husband hurt and knowing he caused it.  _I’m screwing everything up.  I’m hurting him and…_  He felt his breathing hitch.  He turned, his hands balled up into fists and walked straight up to the nearest tree, just barely keeping himself from punching it.  He screamed, “FUCK!”

 

Poe turned, startled.

 

Finn was leaning against a tree, his shoulders hunched over, sobbing.

 

Poe closed his eyes, angry, scared, worried.  He stood there, unsure of what to do.

 

Finn pushed off the tree, slowly turning around.  “Poe,” he said, “I…”  He swallowed.  “That was...”  He took a tentative step forward and caught sight of Poe’s face.  _I’ve messed this up.  I’ve screwed this up just like I screwed everything else up and…_ Finn started crying, horrible loud sobs.  “Fuck, Poe, please don’t hate me.”  He stumbled forward and didn’t even realize when he landed in Poe’s arms.  “Please don’t hate me.  Please,” he begged.  “You are…  I love you more than anything, Poe.  I…” 

 

Poe was still in shock, still mad, still upset, still a million different things, but he slowly wrapped his arms around Finn, who was now babbling into his chest. “Finn?  Finn, sweetie.”  He pulled his husband in as close as he could, rubbing circles onto his back.  “I need you to calm down, honey.  Just breathe,” Poe said, making a show of his own breathing.  “Just…”  He sighed and leaned in to whisper into Finn’s ear, “I don’t hate you.  I’ll never hate you, Finn.”  He relaxed just a bit as he felt Finn’s breathing even out.  “Just tell me what is going on with you.  You are bottling something up and…  I don’t think I can fix it, but I just want you to tell me about it; I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this alone.”

 

 _But I have to_ , Finn thought.

 

“Finn,” Poe asked.  Finn started to pull out of his arms, but Poe grabbed him.  “No,” he said, his voice low.  “You are not going to run away from me.  Tell me what is going on.”

 

Finn was shaking.  “Poe, I…”  _I can’t tell you._  

 

“Finn, tell me.”

 

Finn jerked out of his grasp.  He backed away from Poe.  “Fuck,” he yelled.  Both of his hands balled into fists and he spun and walked to the nearest tree he could find, kicking it.  “FUCK!”  He turned back around.  “I’m supposed to be past this!  I mean, I worked on it. I talked to my fucking therapist for months after Starkiller, trying to work through the guilt about Slip and Rey, and all of that Stormtrooper shit.  And after you left the Resistance, I went right back into therapy.”  He shook his head.  “I’m supposed to be better now!  But no!  Because now it’s not just us, is it?  We have fucking kids.  And of course, we don’t have normal kids, do we?  No, we have kids just as messed up as we are!  And I just don’t see how this marriage can handle that on top of everything else!”  He leaned back against the tree, sobbing.  “And everyone keeps acting like it’s my fault or something.  _You need to talk to someone, Finn.  Don’t hold it all inside, Finn_.  Like I’m the problem here!”

 

Poe stood there, tears streaming down his cheeks, his mouth open.  _I’m the problem, aren’t I?_   Rationally, he knew it wasn’t true, but in the moment, he was having a hard time not believing it.  Poe closed his eyes, trying to count backwards from ten and finding it did nothing to help.  He opened his eyes and asked the question that terrified him, “Do you want out?  Is that what you’re saying?”

 

“No, Poe, that’s not what…”  Finn sighed.  _Can’t you just once not be so kriffing dramatic?_

 

“Then, what do you want?”

 

“I don’t know,” Finn said.  “I just don’t know.”  He sounded completely defeated.

 

Poe swallowed.  _What in the hell am I supposed to do?_

 

“No,” Finn said, pushing off the tree. “I do know what I want.  I want everyone to just back the hell off.”

 

“Even me?”

 

“What part of _everyone_ don’t you understand,” Finn snapped, and in the next split second, he instantly regretted it.  _Oh fuck._   He turned and looked up, startled.  He opened his mouth. 

 

Poe felt as if he’d been slapped.  He shook his head and held up his hand.  “You know what?  Whatever.  I’m going to the Western House to see about the security system.  Why don’t you go back home?  Go work on your damn Stormtrooper project or whatever else it is you do.  And I’ll try not to bother you anymore.”  Poe took off down the trail.

 

“Poe,” Finn called after him.  “Poe?”

 

He leaned against the tree, crying.  _I’ve fucked everything up._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: original character death


	8. Boundaries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, please mind the tags.

 

 

**Six Years after Starkiller…**

“Finn, you’re thinking way too loud, buddy.”

 

Finn smiled.  He’d missed the endearment.  He then closed his eyes, rubbing at the bridge of his nose.  “Sorry.”

 

Poe turned on his side, looking at Finn.  “No, don’t be sorry, just…  What’s on your mind?”

 

Finn looked up at him.  He held his hand out towards Poe’s cheek.  Poe nodded.  Finn cupped it, rubbing his thumb across the stubble.  “You mentioned something earlier about this being enough and…”  He felt Poe tense.  “No!   No, Poe, I…”  He sat up.  “It _is_ enough, I just…”  He let out a long breath.  “I don’t want you to think I’m settling.”

 

“But you are,” Poe said, sitting up and leaning against the headboard.

 

“No, I’m not,” Finn said.  “I just…”  He turned to look at Poe.  “I know that we had all of these plans before Selvaris, but…”  He made sure he had Poe’s eyes before he said, “At the end of the day, what I want is you.”

 

Poe swallowed.  “You’re just so—”

 

“Poe, you’re amazing too.”

 

Poe chuckled and then he looked down at his hands.  “You wanted kids.”

 

“So did you.”

 

Poe nodded.  “I just don’t think…”  He looked up at Finn.  “Is that gonna be okay with you?”

 

“Is it gonna be okay with you?”

 

Poe looked back down.  “I think it has to be.”

 

Finn reached over and took Poe’s hand.  “Then, I think it has to be okay with me too.”

 

“But—”

 

“There is no _but_.  I’m here with you.  That’s my decision, and it’s one I’m happy with.  I just wanted to make sure that you were okay with—”

 

“Yeah,” Poe said.  He beckoned for Finn, who moved until he was next to Poe.  Finn wrapped an arm around him. 

 

“We’re gonna do this,” Finn said.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Oh, hell yeah.”

 

**# # # #**

**11 years after Starkiller (week 37)…**

 

When Finn first arrived on Yavin, he and Poe had agreed that it would be a good idea for him to see a therapist, and Poe’s therapist had recommended Dr. Andor.

 

Over the past few months, though, Finn had stopped seeing the doctor, but after the fight with Poe, he made an appointment, which was why he was now sitting in a small office in town.

 

“How are things going with the kids,” Dr. Andor asked.

 

Finn took a moment.  He shook his head and shrugged.  “Better?”

 

Dr. Andor raised an eyebrow.

 

Finn leaned back in his chair.  “Better than it was, but…”  He frowned.  “They’re sad, and…”

 

“And?”

 

“And I don’t know how to make it better.”

 

“I don’t know that you do,” the doctor said.  “I think you just have to be there for them, let them get through this in their own ways in their own time.”

 

Finn sighed.  “That’s what Poe says.”  He grimaced.

 

Dr. Andor raised an eyebrow.

 

Finn really wished that sometimes his therapist could just ask a direct question instead of doing that eyebrow thing.  Finn finally huffed, “We’re…”  He looked down.  “It’s just that…”  He closed his eyes, willing himself not to cry.  “We had a fight.”  He looked up.  “That’s why I’m here, actually.”

 

Dr. Andor nodded but didn’t say anything.

 

“I…I probably should’ve come to see you sooner, but…”  He stared at his hands in his lap.  “Things have been busy and what with the kids and…”  Finn licked his lips and looked up.  “And honestly, I figured if I came to you then…”

 

“Then?”

 

Finn’s eyes were watery.  “Then, it meant I’d really fucked things up.”

 

“And?”

 

“I’ve really fucked things up.”  He wiped at his eyes.

 

“How?”

 

“The kids are miserable.  Poe is barely talking to me.  I can’t seem to keep things together, and I just—”

 

“What things?”

 

“Poe and the kids.”

 

“And it’s your job to keep them together?”

 

“Isn’t it?  Isn’t it my job to protect them, keep them safe?”

 

“Finn, you can’t protect them from Maddy dying.”

 

“I know that,” Finn said.  “But I should be able to…”  He shook his head.  “I don’t know?  Make it better?”

 

Dr. Andor nodded and typed something into his datapad.  “And how would you do that, exactly?”

 

Finn really didn’t want to answer that question.  The doctor looked up, expectantly.

 

“I don’t know,” Finn said, hating how petulant—how much like Cass—he sounded.  “I just…”

 

“You’re supposed to be their rock?  Especially Poe, right?”

 

Finn knew where this was going.  He sighed.  “Doc, the man wakes up in a panic once a month.  He can’t be around crowds and…”

 

“And you’ve gotten used to being the strong one,” Dr. Andor said in a neutral voice.

 

“Yeah,” Finn said, refusing to meet the doctor’s eyes.  He brought his hands together in his lap.  “I just…”

 

“It’s hard when you can’t take care of them, of him?  I’m guessing it’s even worse if you have to let someone else take care of you?”

 

Finn nodded, threading and unthreading his fingers.  “Do you know what happens to Stormtroopers who need to be taken care of,” he whispered, shuddering.

 

The doctor gave a grim nod. 

 

“And I know that that’s not gonna…”  Finn took a long breath, deciding to change the subject.  “I just…”  He could feel tears prickling at his eyes.  “I feel like I’m failing them, like I failed all of those other troopers and—”

 

“How did you fail the other troopers?”

 

Finn sucked in a breath.  “I should’ve found that base on Jabiim, doc.  I—”

 

“Finn,” the doctor said in a stern voice.  “Correct me if I’m wrong, but you were one part of a much larger organization.  This organization collected intel and it had many other operatives actively trying to help Stormtroopers, yes?”

 

Finn nodded, staring at his hands.

 

“And none of the intel at the time indicated that this base, this _secret_ base, existed, yes?”

 

“Yeah, but—”

 

“What is this really about?”

 

Finn bit his cheek hard, hating how tears were already leaking from his eyes.  In his head, he knew, but he didn’t want to say it.  He shook his head.

 

“Finn?”  The doctor held out some tissues.  Finn took them without looking up.  “We don’t have to talk about this, but it seems to me that you are pouring your energy into this secret base, and many of these feelings of guilt are because of some perceived failure in your past.”  The doctor scrolled through the notes on his datapad.  “We’ve talked about this a little before, but…”  The doctor looked up at Finn.  “It’s never been something you’ve wanted to explore, and I think, given what little you told me when you made this appointment and what you’re saying here now, that whether you like it or not, whatever has been eating at you is surfacing.  And currently,” the doctor eyed Finn’s left hand, which had a fresh bandage on it, “it’s surfacing in some fairly unhealthy behaviors.”

 

“I know,” Finn whispered.  _But I really don’t want to talk about this._

 

The doctor stared at him, waiting.

 

Finn tried to think of a lie, some convenient reason everything was falling apart, but then he heard himself start talking.  “Maybe if I’d been faster…”  Finn shook his head, the tears streaking down his cheeks.  “That’s the story of my life, right?  If I had been a second faster, I could’ve pushed Slip out of the way, or if I had seen Rey earlier, I could’ve gotten to Ren and…I don’t know,” his whole frame shook, “Or, or…or if I could’ve found him before,” Finn sucked in a breath, his voice rough.  “Maybe I could’ve gotten to him before the torture or at least before his eyes were…”  Finn leaned his head back, so the doctor couldn’t see his tears.  “I should’ve pushed harder.  Leia knew he was alive and I…”

 

The doctor handed Finn another tissue and then waited until Finn had finished crying.  When Finn finally looked over, the doctor said, “I know you’ve heard me say this before, but I think it bears repeating.  There was nothing you could do about Slip or Rey, and as much as you would like to blame yourself for Poe’s condition, there are a lot of factors at play here, including Poe’s own decisions after he got free of the Order.”

 

Finn opened his mouth to argue, but the doctor continued, “I think that you and your husband need to talk about this.  His need to protect you, yours to protect him.  Those instincts come from a good place, a place of love, but from what you’ve told me, the two of you have both been using those feelings to beat yourselves up.  And I think both of your instincts where the children are concerned—the need to protect them—is bringing a lot of this back up.”  The doctor sighed.  “You can’t go back and fix the past.  It’s done.  But Poe and those children are here now, and they need you to forgive yourself.”  The doctor put down his datapad and leaned forward.  “There is nothing you need forgiveness for, but I have a feeling you don’t believe me when I say that.”

 

Finn nodded.  “I don’t.”  He shook his head, running both hands through his hair.  “I just don’t get why I’m still hung up on this.”

 

“Wounds like that don’t instantly heal, and we carry them for the rest of our lives.  And you’ve just had a lot of change in your life—the children, Maddy’s death.  Change, even change for the better, is traumatic.  I want you to remember that and give yourself permission to feel scared or overwhelmed or whatever else you’re feeling.”

 

Finn licked his lips.  “Okay.”

 

“I mean it, Finn.”

 

Finn nodded.  “I’ll try.”

 

Dr. Andor made a displeased noise.  He was an adherent of the old Jedi saying, “Do.  Or do not; there is no try.”

 

“I’ll do it,” Finn muttered.

 

“Good.”

 

“And Finn, I think it might be well worth considering setting up some parameters, you and Poe.  Ways to take care of each other but also ways to identify when you don’t need that care, when you both need your space.  In a sense, setting up clear boundaries and shifting some of the responsibility.”

 

Finn nodded. 

 

“That means you’re going to have to talk to each other.”

 

Finn nodded again, dreading that.

 

**# # # #**

 

Poe stood in front of the front porch of the Western House.  “Hey,” he said to Lu and Lou.  “I was wondering if little Lou might want to help me in the garden for a bit?”

 

Lu looked down at the younger girl.  “What do you think?”  Over the past few weeks, Lou had practically been fixed to her side, and she was pretty sure that Kes, Frina, and Poe had orchestrated this to give her some time alone.

 

Lou looked up at Lu.  “Will you be okay?”

 

Lu smiled.  “Yeah.  Go help Poe.  I’ll be here when you get back.”

 

Lou nodded and bounced down the stairs to Poe.  She took his hand, leading him back towards the Main House.  Poe looked over his shoulder and gave Lu a wink.

 

**# # # #**

 

For the most part, Poe and Lou had been working in silence.  They were picking berries that Frina and Kes and some of the others would later can and store as preserves. 

 

But after a while, Poe caught Lou’s eye and popped one of the berries into his mouth.  Lou giggled.  He held one out for her.  She took it and tried it.  “Mmmmmm,” she hummed.  “They’re good.”

 

Poe nodded.  “Nearly my favorite.”

 

“I like the green stuff best,” Lou said.

 

Poe laughed.  “Well, next time we eat, you can definitely have mine.”

 

Lou laughed and then abruptly stopped.

 

“Lou, sweetie, what is it?”

 

“Is it okay to laugh?”

 

Poe closed his eyes, nodding.  “Yes, honey, Maddy would want you to laugh.  More than anything, he wanted you safe and happy.”

 

Lou seemed to consider this before putting another berry into her mouth.  “I miss him.”

 

“I know,” Poe said.  “I do too.”

 

She nodded, picking up another berry.

 

Poe said, “How about we take the berries we’ve picked and go sit under that tree over there and eat them?”

 

Lou looked up, expectantly.  “We can do that?”

 

“Well, I’m not gonna tell on us if you don’t.”

 

Lou smiled and picked up her basket, already heading to the tree.  Poe pushed himself up and followed.

 

**# # # #**

 

Frina wrapped an arm around Lu, who was sitting alone in one of the common rooms of the Western House.  “What’s on your mind,” Frina asked.

 

Lu wiped her eyes and then looked around.

 

“There’s no one here,” Frina said.  “Most everyone is out back or in the fields.”

 

Lu nodded and then looked at her feet.  “Maddy was about the same age as Grandpa,” she said.

 

Frina nodded.  In the past few weeks, it had occurred to her that Treeno was getting up there.  She dreaded the day when the kindly old doctor passed.  She pulled Lu in for a hug.  “Worried about him?”

 

Lu nodded.  “I don’t want him to…”  She started weeping and then she groaned, wiping her eyes.  “Gah!  I’m being such a baby!”

 

Frina shook her head.  “You’re just being normal.  It’s natural.  We’ve lost someone and it makes us think hard about everyone else we could lose.”

 

“I just can’t…”  She leaned against Frina.  “How do you do it?”

 

“What?”

 

“Not feel bad?”

 

Frina chuckled.  _I feel like shit, kid_.  _I’m just better at hiding it_.  Frina closed her eyes and shook her head.  “I don’t know.  I wish I did.”  She sighed.  “Been around long enough that I’ve seen a lot of beings die, and you think that would make it easier, but it doesn’t.  It still stings.”  She hugged Lu again and kissed her forehead.  “Just try to focus on the good stuff, okay?  Like the fact that you still have your grandfather and that Maddy made sure those kids would have a family when he was gone.”

 

Lu nodded.

 

“Because I think whether you like it or not, you have a little sister now,” Frina said with a smile.

 

Lu smiled, wiping her eyes again.  “Yeah,” she said.  “A little sister.”

 

**# # # #**

 

After Poe had walked Lou back over to the Western House, he took his time wandering back to the Main house.  He frowned as he spotted his father sitting on a bench near the back door.

 

As Poe approached, Kes jerked his head towards the house.  “He’s in there again, pouring over those reports and…”

 

Poe’s initial instinct was to go inside, but he stopped, closing his eyes and pushing up his glasses so he could rub the bridge of his nose.  With a long sigh, he walked over and sat next to his father.  “Just let him be.”

 

“He’s—”

 

“I’m damn well aware that my husband is hurting, dad, but…”  He leaned back, resting his head against the house.  “I don’t think another argument is going to help.”  Poe took in a deep breath.  “He’s talking to Dr. Andor again and…”

 

Kes thought the silence would drag on forever before Poe added, “And at some point, I have to trust my husband.”

 

Kes shook his head.  “I just want my kids to stop hurting.”

 

“I know,” Poe said.  He reached over and took his father’s hand.

 

Kes squeezed it.  “I love you.”

 

“Love you too, dad.”

 

They sat out there for a long time, staring out at the ranch.

 

**# # # #**

 

A few hours later, Poe walked into the shed and stopped.  “Son of a bitch,” he said softly.

 

Cass pushed off the A-wing and made to go.

 

“No,” Poe said.  “I didn’t mean…”

 

Cass wiped his eyes, refusing to look at Poe.  “I didn’t think you’d be…”  He looked up.  “Sorry.”

 

“No.  Don’t be.  I just…”  Poe shook his head.  “I just thought it was Xan who was out here all the time.  I didn’t…”

 

“You aren’t the only two with stress, you know.”

 

Poe laughed.  “No, I guess not.”  He took a step towards Cass.  “You okay?”

 

Cass nodded, wiping his eyes again.  “Long day.”

 

“Tell me about it,” Poe muttered.  He wanted to reach out and pull the boy into a hug, but the thought froze him as he realized that his usual fear of being touched didn’t apply to the kids.  Still, he wasn’t going to push it.  He felt his eyes welling up with tears.

 

“Poe, are you okay?”

 

Poe nodded.  “Just…”  He chuckled.  “I keep starting to hug you and Xan and Lou and…”  He closed his eyes, shaking his head.  “I guess I’m getting better or something.”  He opened his eyes and started to leave.  “But I’ll leave you alone with her,” he said.

 

“Poe?”  Cass held out his arms and then stopped.  “Can I?”

 

Poe smiled and nodded.  “Of course, Cass.  You don’t have to ask.”  He reached over and pulled the boy into a hug.

 

“Thanks.”

 

**# # # #**

 

Kes frowned from the doorway, trying to read the situation.  “Son?”

 

Finn looked up, pushing his datapad away.  He stretched his neck and leaned back.  “Yeah?”  He sounded worn out.

 

Kes chewed his lip, trying to figure how best to start the conversation.  He pushed off the door and walked in, sitting down across from Finn.  “Poe told me to let you have your space, to let you work this out in your own way.”

 

Finn closed his eyes.  He hadn’t really talked to Poe since the fight and now he felt like an even bigger jerk.  He scrubbed his hands over his face.  “Yeah.  I just…”

 

Kes put up a hand.  “I don’t need to know, son.  I just…”  Kes frowned.  “You were limping the other day and,” he nodded to Finn’s bandaged hand.  He swallowed hard before saying, “I’ll give you your space and let you work through all of this, but…”  Kes shook his head, fighting to keep his voice calm.  “Please don’t hurt yourself.”

 

Finn tensed, suddenly defensive.

 

Kes sighed.  “Sorry, I know that is pushing it but…”  He got up and made to leave.  In the doorway, he paused, his back to Finn.  “For about a year after Shara died, I used to go upstairs every night and scream into a pillow.”  He gave a solemn chuckle.  “Beat the crap out of a few pillows as well.  Hit a wall once and damn near broke all the bones in it.”  He stretched out his left hand.  “Still hurts when it rains.”

 

“Did it help?”

 

Kes turned and faced him.  “Not breaking my hand, no.  That was a stupid kriffing thing to do.  Scared myself.  Terrified Poe.”

 

Finn imagined what eight-year-old Poe would’ve made of his father in pain and shuddered.

 

“I just…I didn’t have anyone in those days and…”  Kes closed his eyes.  “I’m pretty sure I’m screwing up with you, son, because I got so used to dealing with Poe.  And, I just…”  He leaned against the doorway.  “I don’t want you hurting.  And I know I probably don’t listen like I should and—”

 

“Kes,” Finn said, his anger quickly fading into a weary weight.  “It’s okay.”

 

“No, son, it isn’t.”

 

Finn laughed.  “Kes, let me forgive you, okay?”

 

Kes chuckled.  “Okay.”  He made to leave again.

 

“You ever feel responsible?”

 

“Responsible?”

 

“For Shara.” 

 

“For Shara?”  Kes took in a long breath and slowly let it out.  “Sure,” he said, moving back into the room.  “I…”  He shook his head.  “It’s not the sort of thing Poe and I ever talked about, but…”  He took another breath and held it.  “Always figured I should’ve known something or…”  He shrugged. 

 

“Sometimes I think about those baby Stormtroopers on Jabiim and I think that I should’ve known the Order was doing something like that.”  Kes nodded and opened his mouth, but Finn continued, “I know rationally, there’s no way I could’ve known about it, but…”  He sighed.

 

“Every doctor on this blasted planet told me that there was nothing I could’ve done to save Shara.  But knowing that and feeling it are two different things.”

 

“Exactly,” Finn said, tracing his finger along the edge of the desk.

 

“What always killed me was that I was pretty sure Poe blamed himself too.”

 

“He was eight.”

 

“Yeah,” Kes said, stretching out his legs.  “An eight year old full of anger and sadness, missing his mama.”  He shook his head.  “All I wanted to do was to make him feel okay again, and it killed me when I couldn’t.”

 

Finn looked up.  “So what did you do?”

 

Kes said, “I tried to hold it together and be strong, but like I said, that also meant a lot of punching pillows and at least one broken hand.”  Kes shrugged.  “I told him I loved him, and I made sure he had a hot meal every night and…”  He looked over at Finn.  “Sometimes I think I should’ve talked about it more with him.  Maybe let him see me cry?”  Kes sighed.  “I don’t know what I should’ve done.”

 

“He turned out okay.”

 

“True,” Kes said, “but I always worry that…”

 

“That we spend so much time training ourselves to ignore our emotions or hide them that when the war is over, we’ve forgotten how to feel or something?”

 

Kes nodded.  “Yep.”

 

“Dr. Andor says I’ve got to learn to forgive myself.  I’m guessing we should all be doing that.”

 

“Yeah,” Kes said.  “Good advice.”

 

“But?”

 

Kes shook his head.  “No _but_.  It’s good advice.  Just hard to do.” 

 

They both pondered that until the silence became too awkward.  Kes slapped his legs and stood, saying, “I was going to clean the speeder.  Think the kids would like that?”

 

Finn stood, happy for the reprieve from having to talk about his feelings.  “Yeah.  I think it’d be fun.”

 

**# # # #**

 

Kirrit-gul was repairing one of the harvesters out in the empty field next to the path to the Western House.  Poe looked up and waved.  He then turned, looking behind him.  Kes and Finn and the kids were in front of the main house trying to clean the speeder.  The kids were smiling and making a mess.  Poe grinned, warmed by the thought that maybe, just maybe, they were going to make this work, that maybe everyone was going to come through this okay.

 

Kirrit-gul scraped a tool along the metal of the harvester. 

 

Poe flinched.

 

Kirriut-gul scraped it again.

 

Poe closed his eyes, his body tense.  _No.  No.  Nonononononononono…_

 

Poe blinked and he was back on a table listening to Admiral Hanex laughing.  Everything was black and there was so much pain.  Poe wanted to scream but he couldn’t.  He felt like he was falling and all he could hear was that sadistic bastard laughing at him.  Poe gasped, thrashing, and then, someone had their hands on him.  Poe started struggling.  “No,” he managed.  “Let me go,” he yelled.  “Let me go!”

 

Someone was talking into his ear, but he couldn’t hear it.  _I have to get out of here.  I have to…_

“Poe,” Finn’s voice cut through all the static.  “Poe, I need you to hear me.”

 

Poe could hear his father yelling at the kids to stay back.  He opened his eyes, dragging in a breath and saw them, staring at him, their mouths open—terror in their eyes.  He started hyperventilating.

 

Finn was speaking slowly. “Poe, you’re here on Yavin.  You’re at the ranch.  That place is gone.  They can’t hurt you.”  Finn leaned his forehead into Poe’s temple.

 

Poe tried to jerk out of Finn’s grasp, but Finn held his arms back.  “No, sweetie.  I’m sorry, but I need you to calm down and breathe.”  Finn stopped.  “Kes, get the kids out of here and tell Kirrit-gul to stop working on the harvester.”  Finn pressed his lips up next to Poe’s ear, whispering, “Breathe with me, baby.  Come on.  Feel me breathe and try to do it too.”

 

Poe closed his eyes, listening to Finn’s voice.  _Slow down_ , he thought to himself.  _Slow down and breathe._   He felt Finn’s chest against his back and worked to mimic the other man’s breathing.

 

Eventually, when Poe was breathing more normally, Finn let go of Poe’s arms.  One of his hands moved up into Poe’s hair, carding it.  Finn swallowed hard and asked, “You back?”

 

Poe nodded, not trusting his voice. 

 

He heard Finn sigh. 

 

Finn kissed his cheek, rocking the two of them slowly back and forth.  Poe was still shaking and Finn felt sick, imagining what Poe had been thinking, but he also felt good, useful.  For a moment, that unsettled him, as he realized that he got a small rush out of being strong for Poe, talking him down and taking care of him.  Finn closed his eyes, trying to push that thought from his head.  “What was it,” he asked.

 

“Metal,” Poe said.  “Kirrit is repairing that…”  Poe lifted an arm and pointed towards the harvester.

 

Finn nodded.

 

“Sorry,” Poe said.

 

“Baby, you have nothing to be sorry about,” Finn said, kissing Poe’s cheek again.

 

“I just…”  Poe let out a long breath.

 

Finn leaned his cheek against Poe’s.  “Come on.  Let’s go to bed and you can tell me if you want to, okay?”

 

Poe nodded, letting Finn pull him up.  The two walked back to the house in silence.  They went upstairs and got into bed.  Finn wrapped his arms around Poe and waited until he was sure Poe was asleep before slipping out and going back downstairs.

 

**# # # #**

 

Xan, Cass, and Lou were sitting under a tree in the jungle.  It was a spot still technically on the ranch, but one that didn’t see a lot of traffic.  Kes knew about it, but that was it, as far as Cass knew.  He had an arm wrapped around his sister.  Xan was sitting apart from them a bit.  Cass wanted to reach out, but he could tell from the look on Xan’s face, that would be a bad idea.

 

Cass finally said, “You wanna talk about it?”

 

Xan shook zirs head.

 

“Talk about what,” Lou asked.

 

“Poe,” Cass said.

 

“He was scared,” Lou said.  “Like how Xan gets.”

 

“I’m not like that,” Xan snapped.  “I’m nothing like that.”  Ze pulled zirs legs up and put zirs forehead on zirs knees.  “I’m nothing like him,” ze said.

 

“No, of course not,” Cass said.  “He’s messed up.  You—”

 

“Poe is not messed up,” Lou said, pushing out of Cass’ grasp.

 

“Lou, I didn’t mean—”

 

“Why do you have to be mean to him?  He and Finn are nice!”

 

“Lou,” Xan said, looking up.  “We didn’t mean it like that.  It’s just,” ze sighed and then shook zirs head, “I don’t want to be like that.”

 

Lou frowned.

 

“Lou,” Cass said, the strain apparent in his voice.

 

“No,” she said.  She marched back towards the house.

 

“Should we go after her,” Xan asked.

 

Cass watched her until he could see her hit a clearing near the back garden.  He shook his head.  “No.  Pretty sure Kes is out there watching for us.”  He held up his left hand, spreading all his fingers. 

 

Xan repeated the gesture and then curled back up into zirself.

 

Cass sighed.  _Why did you have to die, Maddy?_

 

**# # # #**

 

Kes watched Lou make her way across the back garden towards the house.  He got up out of his chair.  “You okay, sweetheart?”

 

She nodded.  She walked over to Kes and stood before him holding her arms up.  Kes smiled and picked her up, sitting back down with Lou in his lap.  “What’s on your mind?”

 

“Is Poe broken?”

 

Kes felt like he’d been punched in the gut.  _Should’ve expected that_. 

 

He took a breath.  “No, sweetie, he’s just…he’s different.”

 

“Xan and Cass say he’s broken.”

 

Kes ignored the flare of anger that he felt hearing that.  _They’re just kids, Dameron_.  He hugged the little girl to him.  “Poe has trouble with some things and…and I wish he didn’t, but,” he turned making sure he had her eyes, “I’d rather have him here, alive, and full of troubles than not.”

 

Lou nodded.  “Cass said you thought Poe was dead, but he wasn’t.”

 

Kes dreaded where this might be headed.

 

“Is there a chance that Maddy…”

 

Kes took in a sharp breath.  “No, sweetie.”  He pulled her into his chest.  “I’m afraid not.  Maddy was really sick and…his poor body just couldn’t keep up anymore.  With Poe…”  He closed his eyes.  “With Poe, the First Order lied and told everyone he was dead when he wasn’t.”

 

“Why did they do that?”

 

“Because they were evil bastards.”

 

Lou hit Kes’ chest.  “You’re not supposed to say that word.”

 

Kes smiled.  “I know, but it’s what they were.”  He shuddered, trying not to think about how close he’d come to losing Poe.  “We were really lucky to get Poe back,” he said.  “But that’s usually not what happens.”

 

Lou nodded, sniffling a little.  “I miss him.”

 

“I know, sweetheart.” Kes started rocking her slowly.  “I know.”

 

**# # # #**

 

Poe woke up alone.  For a moment, he couldn’t remember why he was in bed and then, it came rushing back.  He closed his eyes and squeezed his hands into the sheets.  _Kriffing hell._   He opened his eyes.  _I was doing so kriffing good._  

 

He sighed.  _And now, I’ve freaked them out_.

 

He swallowed and pushed himself up.  He walked into the fresher and splashed some cold water on his face, mindful of the tremor in his hands.  He turned and stood in the doorway, unsure of what he should do next.  A part of him wanted to go back to bed, curl up, and just forget about the rest of the world, but the larger part of him just wanted to be with other people.  _Find dad?  Talk to Finn?  Talk to the kids?_

 

He stretched his neck and decided to find Finn first. 

 

As he walked downstairs, he realized the house was strangely quiet.  He frowned, sticking his head in the room with the comm terminal and finding it empty.  He glanced out back.  Kes had Lou in his lap.

 

Poe bit his lip and decided to try the front.  Sure enough, he found Finn with the speeder in the shed.

 

Finn looked up, clearly worried.  “You okay?”

 

Poe nodded.  “Been a while.”  He ran his hand up the back of his head.  “Figure I freaked the kids out.”

 

“They’ll live.”  Finn was terse, focused on task at hand.

 

“Yeah,” Poe said.  He’d hoped that the tenderness earlier meant that they’d broken through the terrible funk they’d been in, but that was clearly not the case.  He watched Finn wiping off the speeder.

 

“What,” Finn asked.

 

“Nothing,” Poe said.

 

Finn stopped.  “Poe, you really should be resting and—”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“You’re not fine,” Finn said, throwing down the rag and walking towards Poe.  “You just had a kriffing panic attack and—”

 

“And I had a nap and I feel better and—”

 

“And you should still be taking it easy.”

 

Poe backed away from his husband.  “Finn, I’m fine!”

 

“Fine,” Finn snapped.  “Sorry.”  He turned back towards the speeder.

 

Poe sighed.  “What in the hell is wrong?”

 

“My husband had a pretty severe flashback and panic attack earlier, so I’m a little upset about that.  Kind of throws a wrench into one’s plans, you know?”

 

Every feeling of inadequacy, of shame, of anger and resentment that Poe had worked so hard to get over since he’d gotten free of the First Order seemed to flare all at once.  He had a million things he wanted to say, but each one was another fight waiting to happen.  _I don’t have the energy_ , Poe thought.

 

He turned and left. 

 

**# # # #**

Finn closed his eyes as Poe walked away.  _Kriffing, fucking hell._

 

 _What are you doing,_ he screamed at himself.

 

He wasn’t going to admit that he might have been wanting to start a fight—ignoring that horrible feeling low in the pit of his stomach telling him that that’s exactly what he’d been trying to do—and he certainly wasn’t going to admit how much Poe simply giving up and walking away hurt. 

 

He leaned against the speeder.  _I can’t do this._

_I can’t fucking keep doing this._

 

_We need to talk._

 

_I need to be honest with him._

 

Finn sucked in a long breath, feeling as if everything were crumbling around him.

 

**# # # #**

 

Poe wandered into the house, unsure of where to go or what to do.  He eventually ended up in their bedroom.  He curled up on a chair, pulling his legs in, and leaning his head against them.  He felt hollow and useless and so completely separate from the one person in the galaxy that he desperately needed to connect with.

 

_What am I supposed to do?_

 

 


	9. One of those days...

 

 

**Seven years after Starkiller…**

“Happy birthday,” Frina said as Finn passed her on his way to the northern fields.

 

“Huh?”

 

“Happy birthday,” she repeated with a smile.  “Poe said it’s your birthday today.”

 

Finn chuckled.  “Well, as much of one as I can have.”  When Frina scrunched her eyes, he added, “Since I can’t know for sure when I was born, I decided on the day I escaped _The Finalizer_ with Poe.”

 

“Seems fitting,” Frina said. 

 

She started to walk away when Finn called after her, “Wait.”

 

She turned.  “Yeah?”

 

“If Poe told you, then?”

 

Frina laughed.  “No worries.  It’s just a cake and a few beings.  He figured you might get flustered if the whole ranch showed up.”

 

Finn groaned.

 

“What?  You don’t want cake?”

 

“No,” Finn said, “He just doesn’t have to make a fuss.”

 

Frina threw her head back this time as she laughed.  “I’m sorry, Finn, but come on!  Kes and Poe make a fuss about everything.  Hell, we celebrate the first day of the Spring season every year.”

 

Finn chuckled.  “Not to mention every other holiday on the calendar.”

 

Frina shook her head.  “I haven’t heard of half of them.  In fact, I’m convinced some of them are made up.”  She walked over and gave Finn a quick hug.  “The Damerons have a lot of love to give so we might as well enjoy it.”

 

“Thanks, Frina,” Finn said, starting back towards the fields.  “At least they didn’t get me any gifts,” he called over his shoulder.

 

Frina started laughing so hard, tears rolled down her cheeks.  “Oh Finn,” she whispered as she started back towards her work.  _That’s so cute_.

 

**# # # #**

**11 years after Starkiller (weeks 37-38)…**

The morning after his attack, Poe got up and went out to the back garden.  He needed to get the empty plots ready for planting, but as he looked at them, he knew he didn’t have the energy.

 

Instead, he walked out to the Force tree and slid down to the ground, leaning back into it.  He let out a long sigh.  _When does it get easier?_

 

He didn’t know how long he’d been sitting there when he heard someone walking towards him.  His eyes flew open and he saw Xan.

 

“You okay, buddy?”

 

“I was gonna ask you that,” Xan said, coming to stand in front of him.

 

“Tired,” Poe said.  “Just really fragging tired.”

 

Xan pointed to a spot next to Poe.  Poe nodded and Xan sat down, pulling zirs legs up and hugging them.  “I’m sorry about what I said.”

 

“What you said?”

 

“Lou didn’t tell you?”

 

Poe shook his head. 

 

“Well, I, ummm…”

 

Poe held up his hand.  “Let me guess, you don’t want to be like me?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I get it.”  _Oh buddy, do I get it._

 

Xan mumbled into zirs knees, “I don’t want to be scared like that.  I hate how helpless it feels.”

 

Poe nodded.

 

“But that doesn’t mean…”  Xan’s eyes filled with tears.  “It’s not that I don’t…”  Ze bent zirs head down.  “I like you Poe.  You’re nice and you’re patient and…”  Ze looked up.  “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

 

Poe shook his head.  “It’s okay.”

 

Xan frowned.

 

“Fine.  It hurts, but…”  Poe stared out at the ranch.  “But you’re the kid and I’m the adult, so you’re allowed to hurt my feelings every once in a while.”  He turned to Xan.  “And I get not wanting to be scared.  Trust me, if I could wave some magic wand and not be afraid anymore, I’d do it.”

 

“But you can’t.”

 

“Nope,” Poe said.

 

“You think I’ll get better.”

 

“I think you’re fine just the way you are.  But, if you want to work on things, then I think that is something we should bring up with your therapist.”

 

Xan nodded.  “I will.”

 

“You can talk to me, too, you know?”

 

Xan smiled.  “I know.”

 

Poe looked over and smiled.  “You got a great smile, kid.”

 

Xan blushed.

 

“Sorry, I’m your guardian now.  I get to say stuff like that.”

 

Xan kicked zirs legs out.  “All the embarrassing stuff.”

 

“Yep, all the embarrassing stuff.”

 

Xan stretched out zirs fingers in the “hug” sign.  Poe mimicked it and smiled.

 

**# # # #**

 

Finn was having a hard time clearing his head that morning.  Things with Poe were…  _Not good._   Finn sucked in a breath.  _We need to talk._

_We really need to talk._

 

It became a mantra as his feet hit the ground during his run.

 

He made it halfway around the perimeter when he stopped, hands on his knees, breathing heavily.  “Cass, you can stop ducking behind things,” he called out.  “I see you.”

 

Cass frowned and stomped out from behind a tree.

 

“There a reason you feel the need to run separately?”

 

Cass shook his head.  “Didn’t want to have to talk.”

 

Finn raised an eyebrow.  “When have I ever made you talk?”

 

Cass shrugged. 

 

Finn shook his head.  “Is Xan okay?”

 

Cass nodded.  “Just upset.”

 

Finn nodded.  “You have any questions?”

 

Cass shook his head and the two fell into a companionable silence as they resumed their run.  As they hit the three-quarter mark of their route, Cass asked, “Does it scare you?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Poe, with the…”  Cass frowned.  “Does it scare you?”

 

“Yeah,” Finn said.  “It scares me.  Pisses me off.”

 

“You’re mad at Poe?”

 

“No,” Finn said.  “Maker, no!  Mad at the bastards that tortured him.  They…”  He shook his head.  “They…”  He slowed down and then stopped.  “I wanted to rip their hearts out.  Heck, even though I know they’re all dead, I still want to rip their hearts out.”  He leaned forward panting.  “You hurt the man I love or,” he gestured towards the house, “or my friends or Kes or my kids,” he gestured at Cass, “then you better believe I’m going to come after you.”  He stood back up.

 

Cass couldn’t help his smile.  Something about Finn saying _my kids_ made him feel warm inside.  He nodded.  “That’s how I feel about Xan and Lou.”  _And all of you_.

 

Finn nodded and started walking back towards the house.  “Yeah, so mad at the bad guys, but never at Poe.”

 

Cass walked next to him, thinking about what Finn had said.  “Are we the bad guys, Finn?”

 

“What?”

 

“Me and Lou and Xan, we were supposed to be Stormtroopers and—”

 

"No!"  Finn stopped, kneeling in front of Cass.  He took the boy’s shoulders in his hands.  “You and Xan and Lou are _not bad_.  Do you hear me?  What the Order did, it was…”  He shook his head.  He took a deep breath, wanting to destroy the Order all over again.  “The Order was evil and they kidnapped people or, or, or…worse, and even if you’d grown up there, you never would have had a choice.  You're just...”  He squeezed his hands just a bit.  “But the important thing is, you didn’t grow up there.  Maddy got you out and, and, and…”  He let go of Cass’ shoulders.  “You aren’t bad.  You guys are…you’re fantastic.”  He looked back up at the boy.  “Okay?”

 

Cass gave him a small smile and nodded.

 

"I mean it.  You guys are..."  He pulled Cass into a quick hug.  "You're good, Cass," he whispered into the boy's ear. 

 

Cass wrapped his arms around Finn and squeezed.  "Thanks," he said before pulling back.

 

"You okay?"

 

Cass nodded.

 

Finn got up and they started walking again.  After a few meters, he turned to Cass.  “And hey,” Finn said.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I’m pretty sure Poe thinks he freaked all of you out, and maybe he did, but if you guys could just…”  Finn shrugged.  “I don’t know.  Just let him know he isn’t a monster or something?  That would be good.”

 

Cass nodded.

 

“Thanks,” Finn said, reaching over and squeezing Cass’ shoulder.

 

When Cass didn’t shrug out of his grasp or pull away, Finn felt a sense of calm he hadn’t felt in a long time.  He kept his hand there for the rest of the walk back to the house.

 

_I can do this._

 

**# # # #**

 

That night for dinner, Kes had talked Frina into letting him make one of his famous stews.  Within two minutes of starting to eat, Lou had somehow managed to spill large bits of it all along her front.  Meanwhile, Cass was already on his second portion, and Xan was actually downstairs for a meal for a change. 

 

Kes was telling the table about trying to fix the stew while out on a mission with the Pathfinders.  He said, “…as it was, I couldn’t find any kind of suitable meat, and that’s when one of my buddies suggests we use this local frog thing.”

 

“Ewwwww,” Lou said.

 

“Yeah, I’m with Lou,” Poe added.  “Ewwwwww.”

 

“Well, beggars can’t be choosers,” Kes said, “and we asked the locals if the frogs were edible, which they were, but…”

 

“But,” Frina asked with a smile.

 

“But the locals forgot to tell us the frogs had psychotropic properties.”

 

Frina, Finn, and Poe started laughing.

 

Frina leaned towards the kids and explained, “It means that if you eat the frogs, it will make you drunk and silly.”

 

Poe shook his head, “How many of the Pathfinders—”

 

“Every last one of us.  We all ate the stew and we were all high out of our minds for the next six hours.”  Kes chuckled.  “It’s a wonder they ever let me cook again.”

 

Finn laughed and then looked across the table at Poe, who had a huge grin on his face.  Their eyes met for a split second.  It wasn’t much, but it felt like something.

 

As both turned back to their meals, they both felt a little lighter, more hopeful.

 

**# # # #**

 

The next morning, Poe opened his eyes, listening to Frina lecturing Cass, who by the sounds of things, was being a bit more standoffish than usual.  Poe took in a breath.  _Give the kid a break_. 

 

He heard a loud, “Fine,” followed by the sound of the back door opening and closing.  Then, he heard Frina muttering.

 

 _It’s gonna be one of those days_ , he thought, pushing himself up out of bed.

 

Finn was in the fresher, brushing his teeth.  “Cass is pissy, I think,” Poe said, walking in.

 

“Yeah, I caught some of it,” Finn said.  “I’ll take him for an extra long run later.”

 

Poe nodded, moving the knob to get the water scalding hot.  Finn turned, his arms crossed.  “Turn it down,” he said.

 

Poe rolled his eyes.  “Yes, mother.”

 

“Fine,” Finn said.  “You want to hurt your skin, hurt your skin.”  He walked out of the room.

 

_Definitely going to be one of those days._

 

**# # # #**

 

As Poe was coming downstairs, he could hear his father’s voice in the dining room.  “Frina, believe it or not, I’ve been running this place since Poe was two years old.  I really think that—”

 

“Fine!  Far be it from me to make a suggestion,” she said, walking towards the back door.

 

Kes muttered a few expletives under his breath. 

 

Poe closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  _It’ll pass._

 

**# # # #**

 

Finn was sitting at the comm, talking to Arless at the Western House, trying to come up with a list of supplies that were running low. 

 

“Oh, and by the way, ummmm, Doctor Archan, he’s been uh…  He hasn’t been feeling well the past few days.”

 

 _FUCK._   “Anything we can do?”

 

Arless shook his head.  “No, we called in the doctor from town and his daughter has been looking out for him.  Lu seems a bit bothered by it.”

 

 _Can you blame her?_   “I’ll tell Kes and Poe,” Finn said.  “Anything else?”

 

“No, that ought to do it.”

 

The comm link severed.  Finn leaned back and rubbed his temples.  _Please be okay, Treeno.  I don’t think we can handle anything else right now._

 

**# # # #**

Poe watched Finn walk out of the comm room, hoping that he hadn’t been trying to do more research on Jabiim, but keeping his mouth shut. 

 

Finn walked into the dining room.  “You and Kes should hear this.”

 

Kes walked in from the kitchen, wiping his hands.  “What is it?”

 

“Treeno is sick.”

 

“Fuck,” Poe said.  “How bad?”

 

“I think it’s fine.  They’ve had the doctor up from town and everything.  They just wanted us to know. Lu is upset.”

 

Kes nodded.  “We should tell the kids too.  They’ll wonder what’s going on.” 

 

“I’ll catch them after school,” Finn said.

 

“I’ll tell Xan,” Poe said, already heading back to the stairs.

 

He shook his head as he climbed back up to the second floor.  _Why did I get out of bed today?_

 

**# # # #**

 

By mid-afternoon, Poe’s hands were shaking.  He dusted himself off and decided to spend some time with his mother’s A-wing.  As he crossed over to the storage sheds, he spied Finn stretching out front.  It looked like he was getting ready for a run.  Poe hated how tired his husband looked, but he was determined to let Finn come to him in his own time, no matter how much it hurt.

 

Cass ran out of the house.  “Two laps today?”

 

“Sure,” Finn said, distracted.

 

“Finn?”

 

“What?”

 

Cass’ forehead bunched up.  “You okay?”

 

Finn let his head fall back with a groan.  “Why does every kriffing being on this ranch seem to think I’m not okay?”

 

“Sorry, it’s just that—”

 

“I’m fine,” Finn snapped.

 

Poe jogged over.  “Uh, Cass, would you do me a favor and go tell Kes that I’m gonna be late for dinner tonight.”

 

The boy looked from Finn to Poe and back to Finn.

 

“You’d be doing me a big favor, buddy,” Poe said.  The boy looked to him and Poe forced a smile.

 

Cass nodded and ran back to the house.

 

“What in the hell?”

 

“Not you too,” Finn said, pushing up off the ground.

 

“You’re gonna bite his head off now,” Poe hissed.

 

“I didn’t bite his head off.”

 

Poe opened his mouth to argue and then shook his head.  “You know what?  Fine!  You wanna be this way, you be this way!”  He stomped towards the shed.

 

“I’m fine!”

 

“No one fucking believes you,” Poe called back over his shoulder, “but you keep right on saying that.”

 

A part of Finn wanted to follow Poe, continue the argument, but the A-wing was sacred space and he wasn’t quite ready to cross that line yet.  Instead, Finn took a deep breath and started running.

 

**# # # #**

 

They hadn’t talked the rest of the night and had gone to bed with a heavy silence hanging between them.

 

After about two hours of staring up at the ceiling of their bedroom, Poe got up and made his way down to the dining room.  He startled when he saw his father sitting at the table.

 

“Did I wake you,” Kes asked.

 

“No,” Poe said, crossing over to get something to drink.  “Just antsy.”

 

“We all are.”  Kes nodded to the chair across from him and Poe took it.  “I talked to Frina and Treeno is most likely going to be fine.  Just a virus.”

 

Poe nodded.  “I think we’re all just a bit scared, what with…”

 

Kes took a drink and studied his son.  These days both Poe and Finn looked so damn tired all the time.  “You need to take some time off.”

 

Poe chuckled.  “Yeah, right.”  He took a drink.  “Like that wouldn’t add to everything.”

 

“I’m serious, son.”

 

Poe put down his drink.  “Dad, come on.”

 

“I think you and Finn should take a day or two, go out to that preserve you used to visit.  Leave me and Frina with the kids.  Just be a married couple again.  Recharge.  Talk.”

 

Poe leaned back, considering it.  It sounded nice.  “But…”

 

“No, no buts.  Just pack some bags and go.”

 

“And you’d be okay with,” he gestured around vaguely.

 

Kes laughed.  “Yes, and I’d have Frina for backup.”

 

“Finn will never agree to it.”

 

“So, don’t give him that option.”

 

“Dad,” Poe sighed, scrubbing his hands over his face.  “Unilateral moves aren’t going to solve this.”

 

Kes shook his head.  “Fine.  That’s probably true, but honestly, I think at this point, the kids and I are in a better space than you and Finn.”  Kes got up.  “Something’s gotta give, son.”  He kissed the top of Poe’s head and left.

 

Poe sat alone at the table for the next half-hour, thinking.

 

He then pushed up and went upstairs.

 

He sat on the bed and shook Finn’s arm.  “Finn?  Finn?”

 

“Mmmmmm?  Everything okay?”  Finn blinked his eyes open.

 

“We need to talk,” Poe said.

 

Finn squinted at Poe and then turned to the chrono.  “Now?”

 

Poe said, “I think you and I should take a few days off, leave the ranch and just…reconnect.”

 

“We’ve got three kids and work to do.”

 

“And Dad and Frina will be fine with them for a few days.”

 

Finn rubbed a hand over his face and sat up.  “We can’t just take off, Poe.”

 

“I think we can.”  He reached out, taking his husband’s arm.  “I think we need to.”

 

Finn looked at Poe’s hand on his arm, following Poe’s arm back up to his face.  Without the glasses, Poe looked so different, so vulnerable.  Through all of the hurt and anger and tension of the past few weeks, Finn was struck by just how lovely his husband was, how much that face meant to him.  He nodded.  “Yeah.  Okay.”

 

Poe smiled.  “Thanks.”

 

“When do you—”

 

“Tomorrow,” Poe said.

 

As much as Finn wanted to protest, he nodded.  “Okay, tomorrow.”  He laid back down and was happy when Poe got into bed, reaching out his hand and finding Finn’s.

 

Poe squeezed it.  “I don’t think I’m completely to blame for everything, but I also think I need to apologize to you,” he said.

 

Finn took in a deep breath.  “I…”  He closed his eyes.  “I’m sure I need to apologize too.  I just…”  He turned onto his side, looking at Poe.  “I don’t want to break us.”

 

Poe reached up, taking Finn’s face in his hand.  “You’re not gonna break us.”  He offered Finn a tiny smile.  “I promise.”

 

He tugged Finn down until his head was on Poe’s shoulder.  “Love you,” Poe said.

 

“Love you too.”

 

 

 


	10. The Preserve

 

 

**Eight years after Starkiller…**

Finn stood in the back garden, frowning.  _Where are you?_   He held his hand up to shield his eyes, searching the landscape.  He smiled.

 

Poe was sitting under the Force tree.

 

 _Probably sleeping_ , Finn thought, as he started back there.

 

“Hey,” Poe said as he approached.

 

“You okay,” Finn asked.

 

Poe hummed an affirmative and patted the ground next to him.  Finn slid down with a grunt.  He leaned back, closing his eyes and letting the power of the tree wash over him _.  I really should come out here more often_ , he thought.  He snaked a hand over and found Poe’s.  “Whatcha doing out here?”

 

He could feel Poe shrug.  “Just felt right.”

 

Finn nodded and hummed in agreement.  A breeze rustled through the leaves about them.  “Nice out here.”

 

Poe squeezed Finn’s hand.  “Yep.”

 

For several minutes, they just sat there, listening to the jungle around them.  Then, Poe said, “You think we should get married?”

 

Finn blinked open his eyes and turned to look at Poe, who was still leaning back, relaxed.  He let go of Poe’s hand.  “Dameron, did you just kriffing propose?”

 

“Ummmm-hmmmmm,” Poe hummed.

 

“Are you high?”

 

Poe laughed and turned.  “No.”  He shrugged.  “Just felt right,” he said with a smile. 

 

Finn lifted an eyebrow.

 

Poe said, “What?  Been thinking about it for a while now, actually.”

 

Finn shook his head, still not sure if he believed Poe or not.

 

“You were wanting something more romantic?”

 

“No,” Finn said.  “Honestly, I didn’t know if that was a step you still wanted to take.”

 

“I’ve always wanted to take it.  Haven’t been sure I was ready until recently,” Poe said.

 

“Oh,” Finn said.

 

Poe took out the ring on the chain he’d been wearing for years.  “But I’m pretty sure that I can be a good partner to you now and…”  He started playing with the ring and then shrugged, keeping his eyes on it instead of on Finn.  “I thought you might want to make it official.”

 

Poe Dameron being bashful and unsure did things to Finn’s heart.  He reached over, brushing a thumb across Poe’s cheek.  “You still have the other one,” he asked.

 

Poe nodded, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small box.

 

“Kriff, Poe.  You’ve been carrying that around?”

 

“For a day or two,” Poe said.

 

Finn burst into a wide smile.  “Just about every time I think I have you figured out, you do something like this.”  He laughed.  “Of course, I’ll marry you, you nerf-herder.  I’ve wanted to marry you since…  Hell, since…”  _Since before Selvaris_.  “For a really long time.”

 

Poe sat up and opened the box, plucking out the ring and reverently slipping it on Finn’s finger.  “I love you,” he said.  He looked up into Finn’s eyes, a soft smile on his face.  “No matter what happens, I’ll always love you.”

 

Finn leaned in, one hand behind Poe’s head, the other pulling him closer.  “You’re the love of my life, Dameron,” he whispered against Poe’s lips. 

 

**# # # #**

 

An hour later, Kes stood on the far side of the back garden, looking for Finn and Poe.  It took him a moment to realize that there were two bodies under the Force tree and then, he squeezed his eyes shut and yelled, “There are kids on this ranch, you two!”

 

He could hear shuffling and then Poe’s voice called back.  “Finn and I are gonna get married.”

 

“About damn time,” Kes said, turning towards the house.  He wiped the tears from his eyes before going in to tell Frina the good news.

 

**# # # #**

**11 years after Starkiller (week 38)…**

 

They left in the early afternoon the next day.  Finn drove the speeder out into the jungle, and it took them about 45 minutes to reach their destination. 

 

“Here,” Poe said.

 

“Here?”  Quite honestly, it looked like the rest of the Yavinese jungle.  “Ummmm?”

 

“I know I have bad eyes, but I used to come out here all the time.  I know where we’re going and this is it.”

 

“Okay,” Finn said, not at all sure that Poe really knew where they were, but willing to humor him.  He grabbed their packs.  “Lead on.”

 

Poe pulled a walking stick out of the speeder and before Finn could open his mouth, Poe said, “I’m old and nearly blind and the terrain here is uneven.”

 

“I wasn’t gonna say anything.”

 

“Well, you were thinking awfully loud.”

 

Finn came up beside his husband, shaking his head.  “Isn’t it amazing how we both do that?”

 

Poe laughed.  “Just bring the bags.”

 

They walked about twenty feet before they came to a large rusted sign that announced they were at the Stella-001 Preserve.  Poe turned around and his body language screamed _See, I told you so!_

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Finn said.

 

They walked past the sign and onto a dirt trail.  Finn looked to the right and to the left, still finding it hard to distinguish the preserve from the rest of the jungle.  Then, Poe came to a fork in the path.  He turned right and started up a rise.  At the top of it, he stopped.

 

Finn came up beside him and his breath caught.  They were standing above a valley full of grassland, encircled by trees that definitely weren’t native to Yavin.  And there were all sorts of wildflowers and colorful bushes dotting the landscape.  “Kriff,” he finally said.

 

“I know.”

 

“Why in the hell haven’t we come out here before?”

 

Poe shrugged.  “I forgot.”

 

Finn gestured in front of them.  “This?”

 

“Well,” Poe said, starting forward on the path.  “It’s been a busy few years.”

 

“Fuck,” Finn said, shaking his head.  “What else am I missing?  Is there a spa resort on Yavin you haven’t told me about or the galaxy’s biggest library or…”

 

Poe snorted.  “Yes, Dad and I have been deliberately downplaying Yavin all these years.”

 

“Well,” Finn said, stopping to admire a bush that had neon purple leaves.  “I mean…”

 

Poe laughed.  “Glad you like it.” 

 

At the next fork, he turned left and they started down into the forest.  They kept twisting and turning along the paths, and Finn was impressed.  Poe knew exactly where he was going, never once stopping to consult a map.  “I take it this was a favorite place when you were a kid?”

 

Poe nodded.  “One of ‘em.”  He stopped and looked around.  “Stopped coming out as much when I was a teenager and then…”  He shook his head.  “It just sort of drifted out of my memory.”  He started forward again.  “Then, dad reminded me last night.”

 

“Thank you, Kes.”

 

Poe laughed.  “I’ll tell him you said that.”

 

Poe led them to the floor of the valley.  “Something about the weather patterns means they can grow different plants here.”  He stopped and pointed to their right.  “There’s a group that lives on the northeast edge of the preserve that take care of it.  They host hikes and bring kids out here to teach them about the plants and such.  There used to be a group who’d put on plays in the meadow to the north.”

 

“Wow,” Finn said.

 

“Yeah,” Poe said nodding to their left.  “It’s just ahead.”

 

“What is?”

 

“Where we’ll be camping for the night.”

 

Finn said, “Uh, not to be too, um…”

 

“Spit it out, dear.”

 

“What about your leg?  I’m guessing it’s not gonna be that comfortable for you on the ground.”

 

“We’re not sleeping on the ground.”

 

“We aren’t?”

 

Poe turned and smiled.  “No.”

 

**# # # #**

 

They went up a small hill.  At the top of it was a small area full of tall grasses in beiges and pinks.  They were swaying in the breeze.  “Sounds like an ocean,” Finn said.  He closed his eyes and felt the sun on his face.  He swayed a bit to the rustling sounds.

 

Poe took one of the bags from Finn, dragging him out of the moment, and walked back into the trees a bit.  He moved this way and that—Finn called it his triangulating stare—until he finally said.  “I think these two will hold.”

 

“These two?”

 

“Trees,” Poe said, pointing to two large trees spaced about ten feet apart.  He put the bag down and slowly pulled out a huge hammock.  “It’s designed for campers,” he said.  “Should fit both of us and it has a netting so we won’t get eaten alive by the bugs tonight.”

 

Finn smiled.  “Sounds nice.”

 

“I thought so.”  Poe looked around.  “So, want to set it up and store our stuff and then go exploring?”

 

“Yes.”

 

**# # # #**

 

The preserve wasn’t very large.  The best Finn could figure, it was actually smaller than the Dameron Ranch.  But, there were all sorts of paths criss-crossing the land so that it could take hours—even days—to explore each one.  He and Poe settled on taking the perimeter path and then visiting the large meadow at the center of the space.

 

He looked around—it wasn’t a dense forest, really, but the light was different—not quite like the jungle where everything was dark and heavy and wet—just diffused, and Finn realized he didn’t have a sense of what time it was or how long they’d been walking.  He smiled and listened to the crunch of their shoes on the dirt path—the steady rhythm of their footfalls a sort of counterpoint to the rustling leaves and occasional bird cry. 

 

Finn had explored the Yavinese jungle before, but it had always felt, if not dangerous, then at the very least, something one had to keep one’s wits to do.  This, however, seemed entirely different.  They were in nature, yes, but it was a softer space.  He reached out and let his fingers brush against the leaves of the bushes lining the path.  He stopped really looking and just let his eyes stare ahead, unfocused on the browns and greens and blues of the flora.

 

They didn’t talk much, and there weren’t many other beings around.  Finn heard a few walking the paths, saw some from in-between the trees from time to time, but they were mostly alone. 

 

Every once in a while, Poe would stop to examine a flower.  Finn knew that his eyes were getting worse, that it took a lot of energy to see things these days, but Poe didn’t seem to mind.  He’d get his face as close as he could and move his head around until he’d lean back with a satisfied sigh or a short comment.

 

“So purple.”

 

“It looks like the stars when you hop out of hyperspace.”

 

“It smells like that jam Frina likes to make.”

 

Finn nodded or hummed his agreement, content not to talk.

 

They were making their way up a ridge when Finn stopped and pointed ahead.  There were about seven little quadrupeds, none of them more than four inches tall, crossing the path.  They all had big black eyes and were fawn colored with pointy ears that stood straight up.  “Srisits,” Poe whispered.  “They’re not native to Yavin, but some settlers brought a herd of them a few decades ago and there are still several dozen in the preserve.”

 

The srisits didn’t seem to mind him and Poe.  They were slowly making their way across the path.  Then, somewhere on another trail, there was the crack of a branch.  The srisits froze, and then—almost as one—the entire group started dashing into the trees, making little chirping noises. 

 

Finn laughed.  “That was adorable.”

 

“Mmmmmmmm.”  Poe took his hand as they walked on.

 

As they got to the top of the ridge, Poe pointed to the meadow below.  There was another couple there, walking hand in hand.  “Popular spot,” he said.

 

“Romantic,” Finn added.

 

Poe let go of Finn’s hand and wrapped it around his shoulders.  Finn leaned over into his husband.  “You know, I think that I missed this the most.”

 

“Hmmmmm?”

 

“Touching,” Finn said.  He turned, wrapping his arms around Poe.  He looked into his eyes.  He opened his mouth and then shut it.

 

“Ummmmmmm,” Poe asked.

 

Finn shook his head.  “Just…  This is nice, you know?”

 

Poe nodded.  “We’ve all been tense and…”  Poe sighed, leaning his forehead against Finn’s.  “Even when things are going well, they don’t seem to be going well?”

 

“Yeah.”  Finn stood there for a moment and then breathed out.  He leaned back and nodded to the trail leading down into the meadow. 

 

Poe nodded and they started down, hand in hand.

 

“Dr. Andor says it will take time.”

 

“He’s right,” Poe said.  He chuckled.  “If my life has taught me anything, it’s that it takes time.”

 

Finn thought about this for a while and then said, “It was just supposed to be easier, you know?”

 

“How?”

 

Finn frowned, his forehead bunching.  He suddenly felt pinned in, tense.  “I don’t know.”  He let go of Poe’s hand and started moving faster along the path.

 

Poe felt his stomach drop.  _Please don’t pull away.  Please don’t…_ “Finn, stop.  What is it?”

 

There was an immediate flash of anger.  Finn was so tired of everyone being so kriffing concerned about him all the blasted time.  He slowed and stopped, closing his eyes and trying to calm down.  _I do not want to have this conversation_.  He swallowed hard.  _Why do we have to talk about this?  Why can’t we…_ He turned around.

 

 _Fuck._ Finn had known Poe long enough to be able to read the panic all over Poe’s body.  

 

A wave of nausea hit Finn.  _I caused that._

 

_Fuck._

 

Finn took a shaky breath.  _He’s your husband.  He's your husband and you need to talk to him_.  He looked around, making sure that they were truly alone.  “I feel like everything’s falling apart and…”  He closed his eyes and shook his head.  _It’s all my fault_.

 

“Falling apart?”  

 

Finn walked back up to Poe.  “It’s just… I…”  He looked around at the idyllic setting, suddenly hating it.  “Fuck,” he hissed.

 

“Finn?”  Poe was scared.

 

Finn shook his head.  _No.  Please don't be..._   It all started coming out in one long rambling wave of words: “It’s just… I thought that it was all over, you know?  And then, it’s not, but I’m trying to keep it together and then…there was just something about that damn base, and…I keep thinking, I should’ve known and I should’ve helped them, and I always feel so fragging useless.  I mean, I’m a soldier.  How many people have I seen die, right?”  Finn spent a moment cataloging all the friends and teammates he'd lost over the years.  He shuddered.  “But this is different,” Finn said, “and…I’m talking to Dr. Andor about all this guilt I’m feeling about Jabiim and….”  Finn watched Poe open his mouth, and he was suddenly spitting mad.  “No, Poe.  Don’t even think of starting the _it’s not your fault_ speech—”

 

“It isn’t.”

 

“Poe,” Finn growled.  “This isn’t about…  This…  Kriff!  You think I don’t know that?”  He shook his head in disbelief.  “You really think I don’t know that there was no kriffing way I could’ve known about that stupid fucking base?”

 

“Then what,” Poe asked, his voice rising.  “What in the hell is this about?”

 

Finn huffed out a long sigh.  “Knowing something and having feelings about it are two different things, yeah?  Like I get that it isn’t my fault, that there’s no way I could’ve known, and I still lay awake at night thinking about all those kids.”  Finn’s voice trembled as he said, “All those kids.”  He sucked in a breath.  “Jabiim is just… It’s just one part…” Finn shook his head.  _Don't make me say this, Poe._   But Poe stood there, clearly waiting for something.  “Fuck!”  Finn leaned in.  “I feel guilty about _you._ ”

 

Poe blinked.  He thought he misheard Finn for a moment.  “Wait, what?”

 

“Well, you and Slip and Rey and—”

 

“Rey?”

 

“If I’d have been faster on Takodana, Ren wouldn’t have gotten her and—”

 

“And with me?”

 

“I knew you were alive, Poe.  After Selvaris.  If I’d just worked harder or demanded that Leia—”

 

“Stop,” Poe said, suddenly weary in a way he hadn't been in years.  “No.”  He shook his head.  “No.  You can’t play that game.  It wasn’t your fault.”

 

“Then why do I kriffing feel like it’s my fault,” Finn demanded.

 

Poe sighed.  “I don’t know, but none of it is on you.”  _It’s on the Order…and me._

 

“Yeah, right.”

 

Poe bit out, “So how in the hell were you supposed to find me, then, huh?”

 

“I don’t know!  But I could have.  And maybe if I had…  Well, it would all be different now, right?  I mean, maybe you wouldn’t hate being touched.  Or you’d still have your eyes, or—”

 

“I’d still be normal,” Poe said.

 

Finn froze.  _Fuck._

 

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

 

He didn't want to look, but he had to.  Finn glanced over at Poe, who was standing there, eerily calm.  Finn's whole body started shaking--it was if he could feel Poe slipping away from him.   _No.   No, no, no, no, no.  No, Poe.  That’s not…  Do not…_ “Poe,” he started, trying to be more careful with his words than he’d ever been in his life.  “It’s not… That’s…”  He closed his eyes and breathed out.  _FUCK!_   “I just hate how…”

 

Poe started shaking his head.  _No.  We were past this.  We were good.  It was all good._   He started backing away from Finn.  _We were past this_.

 

“Poe?”  Finn hated how desperate he sounded, how desperate he felt.

 

Poe fixed Finn with a stare Finn hadn’t seen since before Selvaris.  The stare of a soldier facing down the enemy.  Even through the glasses, Finn could feel it, and it made him want to scream.  “I am not broken,” Poe said, his voice even, resigned.  “And I am not your burden or your penance.”

 

Finn waited for more, for Poe to get angry or to scream or to collapse or something, but Poe just stood there.

 

“Poe?”

 

Poe was doing every breathing exercise in the book.  He was counting backwards from twenty and trying any other trick he could think of to keep it together _.  I will not give him the satisfaction of seeing me falling apart._   He swallowed hard.  _I will not break._

 

Finn could see Poe’s hands shaking.  He wanted to reach over and take them, apologize a thousand times over, but he was frozen in place.

 

Poe’s voice fluttered a bit as he said, “We’ve been together long enough that I want to believe that this isn’t about you seeing me as some sort of damaged thing—”

 

“Fuck, Poe, no.  I don’t.”

 

“—but is about some sort of fucking Stormtrooper shit, something…”  He shook his head.  “I don’t know.  But,” he drug in a long ragged breath, “I’m…  Fuck, Finn,” he said, his words suddenly tumbling out, “I’ve been trying to give you your space.  That’s what you said you needed, and I listened.”  His voice broke.  “You have a fucking bandage on your hand, and dad is bugging me day and night, and you have therapy with Dr. Andor and, and I still listened and I…”  He started sobbing.  His hands flew to cover his face.

 

Finn made to move towards him and Poe shook his head, backing away.  “Just…just give me…”  He turned his back to Finn, furiously wiping at his eyes.  After a few moments, he turned back.  He nodded to a bench further up the path and started walking towards it.

 

“Poe?”

 

Poe shook his head, pointing to the bench.  He got there, sat down, and threw down his walking stick.  Finn followed.

 

Poe stared out into the preserve, his eyes not really focused on anything.  _He thinks I’m weak and broken and…_

_What if he’s right?_

_What if he’s always thought that?_

_Is this all about pity?  Is that why he’s with me?_

Poe started rocking back and forth as he squeezed his eyes shut.  _Maybe I’m broken and he’s tired of…_

 

_Stop thinking that shit._

Poe squeezed his eyes tighter.  _Stop.   Stop.  You have to stop._

 

Finn watched Poe, his heart thundering in his chest.  _I’ve screwed this up._

_He hates me._

_Fuck, he’s going to leave me and…_ Finn clutched the edge of the bench.  _I’ve ruined this._

_I’ve ruined us._

 

Poe was reminding himself, _this is my husband and he loves me and…  And a long time ago, I was hurting and I said some terrible things that I didn’t mean and…  And I pushed him away and…  He’s hurting._

_He doesn’t mean it._

_He’s hurting._

_I am not broken._

_He is hurting._  

 

Poe licked his lips.  He opened his eyes and said, “Okay.  I…I want to believe that…” Poe took a breath and swallowed, his mouth so incredibly dry.  “I want to…  Kriff, Finn,” he whispered, “my worst nightmare is that you see me as this broken, weak—”

 

“Poe—”

 

Poe’s anger flared.  “But you’re the strong one, right?  And I’m not.”  He turned to Finn.  “That’s what part of this is about, and…”  Poe’s eyes filled with tears again.  “Fuck!  We were past this,” he whispered.  “I thought we were past this.”

 

_We have to be past this._

 

Finn swallowed hard, fighting against his own tears.  “I don’t think you’re weak.”

 

“Yeah, right.”

 

“Poe, I…”  Finn leaned forward, looking at the ground.  “Look, I…  Fuck, I did not say any of that right.”  His fingers dug into the bench, to the point that it hurt.  “I know that Jabiim isn’t my fault and that Rey and Slip and you and…maker knows what else, I get it.  But I feel…  Fuck, I…”  Finn shook his head, pushing off the bench.  He started pacing a tight line.  “First priority is the Order, right?  Always working for the Order and if you fall or you fail, they recondition you or,” his eyes fell shut, “worse.  And so you learn early on to do the task set in front of you, do it well—hell, do it perfectly—because otherwise…”  Finn was shaking now.  “And day one, you’re trained to never show any fear, to never show any compassion, or any feeling and…  And like, I can take out any target and I can put Nines on the floor in two moves if I have to, but I just…  I couldn’t turn off that part of me that cared, you know?  And it was this big secret and my biggest shame, and I was pretty sure it was gonna get me killed.”  Finn stopped moving.  “But that was okay just as long as no one else got hurt.”  He shook his head.  “And then, I’m standing there, and I know they’re going to recondition me, and I’m so kriffing scared and…and there’s a pilot on board and…  Hell, Dameron, I’ve never met anyone in my entire kriffing life who has a bigger heart, and you care about everyone and…”  He stared at his husband.  “And then, you were gone, and I thought about how selfish I’d been.”  He gave a mirthless laugh.  “But then you show back up on D’Qar and I think…I think maybe this time the galaxy is going to let me have this.  Maybe it’s okay to care and to love and to…”  His eyes went glassy as he said, “And then, you’re gone again.  Only this time, I know you aren’t dead, but I also know that…that…”  Big fat tears rolled down his cheeks.  “It was every nightmare I’d ever had rolled into one.”  Finn walked back to the bench and crumpled onto it.  “I couldn’t protect you and…”  He sucked in a breath, wiping at his eyes.  “It just seems like all my life, it’s this series of beings that I love who I can’t protect…” 

 

Poe’s voice was tired and small as he wiped his eyes.  “But why now?”

 

“I don’t know.  I…  I…  Seeing those kids, and I remembered all the shit that…  what they used to do to us and…  Fuck,” his head flopped forward into his hands, “the shit they probably did to Xan and Cass and…”  He sucked in a breath, and his voice was rough as he admitted, “Sometimes I think I feel guilty because I got out.”

 

“Fuck,” Poe whispered.  He reached over, grabbing at Finn’s shirt and pulling him towards him.  “Oh fuck,” he muttered into Finn’s hair as he hugged his husband to him.

 

“So many of them didn’t and I… I mean, I got so kriffing lucky, Poe.  And…”  He started crying.  “And like, then, I just keep failing the people I love…like that’s my punishment or something?”

 

Poe held him, planting kisses on his head and wishing his husband would quit shaking. 

 

“And sometimes I wonder if it would’ve been better for everyone if I’d just…”  His voice hitched.  “What if I’d taken that shot on Jakku, Poe?  What if I’d gone to the Outer Rim, or if I didn’t…  But then I think…  Fuck, what if Maddy hadn’t called us?  What would those kids be…”

 

“Shhhhh,” Poe said.  “Don’t think like that.”  He started rocking them.

 

“But…”

 

“No,” Poe said as firmly as he could muster.  “We have them and they’re safe.”

 

 _Safe._   Finn didn’t believe in safe anymore.  “For how long?”  Finn pulled away from Poe.  “How long until something happens to one of them?  How long until I screw things up and one of them…  I can’t have one of them hurt like that, Poe!  I just can’t.”  He looked up at Poe, his eyes watery and red.  “I can’t.”  He looked back down.  His voice was tiny as he said, “You’re not broken, but I think I am.”

 

Poe’s breath caught and he drug Finn back into his arms.  “Fuck, Finn, I—”

 

There was the crunch of feet on the trail below them.  They both tensed.  Poe looked over to see the couple from the meadow walking hand-in-hand up the trail.  “It’s fine,” he whispered to Finn.  He put his cheek on Finn’s head, holding his husband as close to him as possible, trying his best to smile as the other couple passed.

 

He watched the couple go up the trail and remained silent even after they were far out of sight.

 

Eventually, he let go of Finn, who was trying to compose himself.

 

Poe turned to study his husband.  “You aren’t broken,” he said.

 

Finn snorted.

 

“You aren’t.  And…”  Poe really wished he knew the magic words to say to make Finn stop hurting.  He sighed.  “I don’t know that I understand any of this, but…  Maker, Finn, none of this is your fault and…  You don’t fail us.  You’ve never failed us!”  He took Finn’s hand in his own, squeezing it desperately.  “Fuck, you’re just…”  He bit his lip.

 

For a few moments, the two just sat there, breathing heavily, lost in their thoughts.  Eventually, though, Poe said, “For what it’s worth, I don’t think anything is gonna happen to the kids.  I really do think they’re safe with us, and…and if anything were to ever…I don’t know.  If there was ever another war, or, or…whatever…they’d have you and me and dad and Frina and every other being on that ranch looking out for them.  You know that, right?”

 

Finn nodded, wiping his eyes.

 

“Shit,” Poe said, “I know that that probably doesn’t make you feel any better.  I wish…”  He shook his head.  “Fuck it, I’m sorry.”

 

Finn nodded, squeezing Poe’s hand.  “Me too.”

 

“I think, we just…we have to talk to each other, right?”  Poe took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.  “I don’t know that it’s gonna make anything better, but…”  He put the glasses back on.  “Fuck!”  He grabbed them and threw them across the trail.  “I hate those fucking things, you know?”

 

Finn laughed out of shock.  “Sorry,” he said.  “That was just an abrupt transition.” 

 

“They’re the worst,” Poe muttered.  “Like I don’t know my eyes are bad, I have to wear those tight fucking things every fucking day to remind me.”  Poe scrubbed his hands over his face.  “Fuck,” he whispered.  “Sorry,” he said.

 

“No.  It’s okay.”

 

“No, it’s not.  This is about you and trying to figure out a way to get you through this,” Poe said.  “And…and we have to talk, baby.”

 

“I know, I just…”  He pulled Poe closer. 

 

“I can handle it.”

 

“I know.”

 

“It’s what married people do.”

 

Finn chuckled.  “So I hear.”  After a moment, his laughter stopped.  He took a long breath and leaned far back, kicking his legs out and letting his head dangle off the back of the bench.  “It just feels shitty.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“So what’s the solution, then?”

 

“I have no idea.”

 

“Great,” Finn said.

 

“We keep talking?  We ask for help?  We ask our therapists.  We ask the kids’ therapists.  Hell, Finn, I wish I knew how to fix this, but I don’t.”  Poe said, “I just…I need you to talk to me, and I need to be sure I’m talking to you too.  And I…”  He squinted in the light and Finn hated how milky Poe’s eyes had become.  “I just don’t want it to get like this again.”

 

“Yeah,” Finn said.  After a moment, he slowly pulled away from Poe.  He got up and jogged across the trail, picking up Poe’s glasses and cleaning the dust off them.  He walked back over and handed them to Poe and sat back down.

 

They fell into a companionable silence for several minutes before Poe wiped his eyes and put his glasses back on.  “So, we totally ruined the day, yes?”

 

Finn chuckled, “Yes.”  He turned to his husband.  “But I’m glad we did.  We needed this.”  He rubbed both his hands over the top of his head, stretching.  " _I_ needed this."

 

Poe nodded.  “No one ever tells you that it’s gonna…  Like seriously, I hate this!  Why is being an adult so kriffing hard?”

 

"Tell me about it."  Finn reached up, rubbing his thumb across Poe’s cheek.  He smiled.  “As shitty as I feel about all of this, I can’t imagine doing it with anyone else.”

 

“You and me both,” Poe said.  He leaned forward and pressed a light kiss on Finn’s lips.  As he leaned back, he asked, “So, uh, should we go to the meadow or back to camp?”

 

“Let’s go back to camp,” Finn said.  “Come to the meadow tomorrow morning?”

 

“Sounds like a plan.”

 

They walked back to the camp, hand in hand, in silence.

 

**# # # #**

 

To anyone standing on the outside, it would’ve seemed like a beautifully choreographed ballet: Finn and Poe moving in sync with each other as they built their fire and prepared their food. A hand would reach out.  Another would place something in it.  One would move to the left as the other moved to the right.  The two simply knew where the other would be.

 

As they sat, watching their dinner sizzle over the fire, Finn reached over, taking Poe’s hand and stroking it.  The snaps of the burning wood and the dazzling changes of the fire’s color—from blue to orange to yellow to nearly white—mesmerized him.

 

Poe started humming and Finn held his breath as the humming turned into a song.  Finn recognized it: “Across the Hydian Way.”  It was a newer song about a family trying to find a home after the end of the war.  _He always did go for the sad songs_ , Finn thought.  He squeezed Poe’s hand.

 

Poe abruptly stopped.

 

“Hey.  Wait,” Finn said.  “No.”

 

Poe chuckled.  “Didn’t realize I was…”  He looked over at Finn.  “I know you don’t like the sad stuff.”

 

“But I love it when you sing.”

 

Poe had a soft look on his face.  He scooted closer to Finn.  “Yeah?”

 

Finn gave him a wide smile.  “Why do you think I fell in love with you?”

 

“I thought it was my devastatingly good looks.”

 

Finn laughed.  “Well, yeah.  That, and also the singing.”

 

Poe reached over and hugged Finn.  “I miss singing.”

 

“You should sing all the time.”

 

Poe smiled, staring at the fire.  “Hmmmmmm.”

 

Finn put his hand on Poe’s knee.  “I always feel better when you sing.  Like, it’s just…”  He shook his head.  “I know things are gonna be okay.”

 

Poe leaned into him.  “When did you get so sentimental?”

 

“Pretty sure I’ve always been this sentimental.”

 

“I thought I was the sentimental one.”

 

“Face it, Dameron.  We’re both softies.”

 

Poe grinned.  “Yes, we are.”  He put his head on Finn’s shoulder.  “We should do this more often.”

 

“Mmmmm,” Finn hummed in agreement.  “I think we need to schedule regular adult time.”

 

“Yes,” Poe said.  He closed his eyes, breathing in deep.  He listened to the fire, to Finn breathing, to the sounds of the preserve.

 

“You aren’t falling asleep on me, are you?”

 

“Not yet,” Poe said.  “Just relaxed.”

 

Finn smiled and closed his eyes, pulling his husband a bit closer.

 

**# # # #**

 

After they’d eaten, Finn and Poe crawled into the hammock.  As awkward as Finn had thought it was going to be, it was actually big and sturdy and comfortable.  Poe squirmed until he was mostly on top of Finn.  Finn chuckled.  “You good?”

 

“Yes,” Poe said, nuzzling Finn’s chest.

 

Finn carded a hand through Poe’s curls.  Poe hummed his approval.  “You’re so easy,” Finn said.

 

“Yep,” Poe said, throwing his leg over Finn’s.

 

As the hammock swayed with their movements, Poe pulled up Finn’s shirt, kissing at his husband’s chest.

 

Finn let his eyes fall closed, letting the feeling of Poe’s lips brushing against his skin tickle him.  He almost didn’t realize that Poe had moved up until he felt the press of Poe’s lips at the corner of his mouth.  “You still here?”

 

“Mmmmm,” Finn said.  “Just enjoying…”  He opened his eyes, bringing both hands to Poe’s cheeks.  “Stars, you’re beautiful.”

 

Poe gave him a lopsided smile.  “You’re the beautiful one.”  He kissed Finn’s temple.

 

Finn pulled him down for a kiss, his hands drifting down Poe’s back and under his shirt. 

 

“Your hands are warm,” Poe hummed, kissing a line down Finn’s cheek.  “S’nice.”

 

Finn tugged until Poe was on top of him and started pulling his shirt off.  Poe sat up, the hammock rocking a bit as he pulled it off.  He came back down, finding Finn’s lips.  “Missed this.”

 

“Mmmmm,” Finn hummed, one hand back in Poe’s hair.  The other rubbing little circles along Poe’s skin.  “Love how you feel,” he said, moving to kiss Poe’s throat, his collar bone.  Poe moaned and Finn felt it all the way down in his toes.

 

Poe was then tugging at his shirt.  Finn’s hands collided with Poe’s, both of them laughing as they fought to get the shirt off.  When it was, Finn rolled them so they were both on their sides, his leg in between Poe’s.  “What do you want,” he whispered, nibbling at Poe’s earlobe.

 

“I want you. 

 

“You have?”

 

“Always,” Poe said, fumbling in his pockets and finding the lube.

 

Finn smiled, rubbing his nose against Poe’s.  “Always ready.”

 

“Yep,” Poe said, kissing Finn and then capturing his lower lip and pulling just slightly.  Finn’s hips bucked into Poe’s.  “You like that?”

 

“Mmmmm,” Finn hummed.

 

As Finn leaned in to show his appreciation, Poe threw his head back and let his eyes fall closed.  “Stars, Finn,” he breathed out.

 

The hammock started rocking in earnest…

 

**# # # #**

 

 

Finn awoke to the sound of a bird cawing in the distance.  He blinked his eyes open and startled before he remembered where they were.

 

“You okay,” Poe asked, his head nestled in Finn’s side.

 

“Yeah, just…forgot where we were for a minute.”

 

“Mmmmm,” Poe said, rolling over onto his back.  He stretched and then rolled back onto his side to look at Finn.  “Morning.”

 

Finn turned to look at him.  “Morning.”  Finn’s breath caught—Poe was, in Finn’s humble opinion, one of the most beautiful beings in the galaxy, and this morning, with his hair mussed and his glasses off and a dopey smile on his face, Poe was breathtaking.

 

“What,” Poe said, blinking.

 

“I love you.”

 

Poe’s smile grew.  He leaned over, giving Finn a quick peck on the lips.  “Good.  I’m pretty fond of you too.”  He started feeling around.  “Any idea where our clothes went?”

 

“You in a rush?”

 

“Need to visit the fresher,” Poe said.

 

“There’s a fresher?”

 

Poe nodded.  “That little shack about ten minutes back.”

 

“Good,” Finn said, feeling around for his shirt.  “I’ll come with you.”

 

**# # # #**

 

After they’d gotten dressed and eaten breakfast, they walked back to the meadow.  Poe had opted to leave his walking stick back at camp, so he took Finn’s hand as they strolled silently through the grass.

 

Finn held his free hand out, letting it skim across the top of the plants.  It tickled.  He breathed in the cool morning air, watching the light dance through the trees in the distance.  As it hit the grass, everything turned almost golden.  Poe started humming, something happy for a change.

 

Somewhere in the distance, birds were arguing and there was a breeze picking up.  Finn slowed and then finally stopped.

 

His mind traveled back to his childhood, spent on ships and bases with cold metal interiors, in greys and blacks and whites.  He remembered longing for someone to hold him when he got scared, for a kind voice to comfort him when he was sick.  But Stormtroopers were supposed to be self-sufficient, to take care of themselves, so he had learned to forget those longings, to press them down until he couldn’t even remember them. 

 

Never in a million years had young Finn ever thought that a place like this existed, let alone that he’d be able to visit it with someone he loved.

 

He started crying.

 

“Finn, sweetie, what…”  Poe was standing in front of him.  “Finn?”

 

Finn wiped his eyes, taking in a deep breath.  “No, it’s good.  I’m just…”  He gestured at the meadow.  “It’s beautiful.”  He put his hands on Poe’s shoulders.  “I’m glad you brought me here.”  He chuckled.  “We should bring the kids.”

 

Poe still looked concerned, so Finn smiled.  “Really, sweetheart, I’m fine.  I just…”  He turned, trying to memorize the landscape.  “We’re so kriffing lucky to have each other, to be alive, and...  and…”  _It's all going to be okay, isn't it?_

 

Poe felt like he was missing something profound.  He gave Finn a questioning stare.  Finn nodded, so he moved, stepping up behind Finn, his chin on Finn’s shoulder, and wrapped his arms around his husband.  “Love you,” he whispered.

 

Finn closed his eyes and nodded, bringing his hands on top of Poe’s.  “Love you too,” he said. 

 

They stood there for a long time just watching the sun rise.

 

 


	11. Fit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate chapter title: "Crying"

 

 

**Eight years after Starkiller…**

Kes, Frina, Treeno, Lu, Rey, Jess, and a few others stood under the Force tree.   Poe and Finn were a few feet away, facing each other, hands joined, as the magistrate said to the group, “They asked me to keep it simple, so I will.”  She smiled.  “In so many cultures across the galaxy, we have some sort of joining or commitment ceremony.  Beings who want to come together and make a declaration can and do, every single day.  And that always fills me with hope.”  She looked at the gathered group.  “That, no matter what the culture or what kind of being you are, we all seem to share a sense that love—whether it be romantic or platonic or familial or anything else—can help us weather life’s storms.”  She looked at Finn and then Poe.  “These two have already weathered a number of storms, but they come here tonight pledging to continue standing beside each other.  Through thick and thin, through good times and bad, Finn and Poe have decided to weather their storms together.” 

 

She nodded to Kes, who produced two simple silver bands.  He handed one to Poe and one to Finn.

 

“If you would, place the ring on his finger.”

 

Poe slid the ring on Finn’s finger and then Finn did the same.

 

She smiled.  “You have vows?”

 

Finn nodded.  “Poe, I vow never to give up on you or on us.  I vow to love you and cherish you all the days of our lives.  You’re my best friend, and I can think of nothing better than spending the rest of my life with you.”

 

Poe hiccupped, trying to hold back tears.  “Finn, I vow to love you and cherish you for all the days of our lives.  I will always be there for you and…”  He sucked in a breath.  “I’m not gonna cry.”  Everyone giggled.  He looked at Finn.  “I will support you and trust you, and I know that I’m the luckiest being who ever lived because I get to spend the rest of my life with you.”

 

Finn reached up, brushing a tear off Poe’s cheek.

 

The magistrate said, “Then, by the power invested in me, I say that you are married.” 

 

A cheer went up from the group as Finn pulled Poe towards him.  He pressed a light kiss on Poe’s lips before whispering, “I will always love you, Poe.”

 

Poe leaned his forehead into Finn's.  “I will always love you, too.” 

 

**# # # #**

 

**11 years after Starkiller (weeks 42-43)…**

 

“We talked some more on the way back to our campsite and again once we got home,” Finn said.

 

“And,” Dr. Andor asked.

 

“And…”  Finn thought for a moment.  “I don’t know that we came to any profound conclusions.”  Finn stared at his shoes.  “But, it makes me feel better to know that we’re both frustrated and scared and…”  He looked up and shrugged.

 

Dr. Andor raised an eyebrow.

 

“I don’t know, doc.  It’s like, we’ve both seen each other at our worst and we’re both still here.  But I don’t know that we figured anything else out.  Except that we need to talk.”

 

Dr. Andor smiled and nodded.  “And how are your feelings of guilt?”

 

“They’re still there.  But,” he added before the doctor could ask, “I’ve been doing those exercises you suggested, asking myself why I’m feeling guilty and trying to change the script.  I’m also trying to remember to talk to Poe about it, tell him what I’m thinking.  And we talked about boundaries and…”  Finn pursed his lips.  “I think it’s gonna be bumpy and I’m pretty sure we’re gonna piss each other off, but…but I think we’ll figure it out.”  _I really do._

 

“And?”

 

 _And?_   Finn shrugged.  “Things are getting easier.”  He leaned back, folding his hands in his lap.  “I have to remind myself that Poe won’t break.  He can handle this.”

 

“Yes, he can,” the doctor said.

 

Finn took a deep breath.  “And so can I.” 

 

The doctor smiled as he entered something on his datapad.

 

**# # # #**

 

Two days later, Finn came out of the shed early in the morning and stretched his neck.  He squinted up into the sky, frowning.  _Rain later._

_Always fragging rain._

 

He watched Cass come out the front door, a smile playing across the boy’s lips.  “You up for a run?”

 

Finn nodded.  “Sure.  After school.”

 

Cass’ whole countenance fell.  “It’s fine if I’m a little late and—”

 

“We’ll go tonight after you get back.”

 

“Finn—”

 

“Sorry, Cass, that’s the deal you made with Aloote.  You go to school and—”

 

“I hate you,” Cass screamed.

 

Finn sucked in a breath, startled by the suddenness of it, echoes of Nines screaming _traitor_ at him all those years ago rattling through his brain.  His hands bunched into fists and he could feel his whole being shake.  Tears filled his eyes.

 

A part of him wanted to scream at the boy, to lash out at him.  Another part was panicking, wondering exactly what he’d done wrong.

 

_I screwed up.  I screwed up.  I should’ve…_

 

Finn was able to take a deep breath.

 

 _He’s a kid_ , Finn told himself.  _He’s a kid and this has nothing to do with me, not really._

 

As the first tear fell down his cheek, Finn opened his eyes and bit out, as civilly as he could manage, “Guess what?”

 

Cass stood there, red-faced, his eyes full of tears.

 

“I don’t care.”

 

“I hate you,” Cass spit out.

 

“Fine.  Good.  Hate me!”  Finn marched forward.  “I don’t care.”  He stopped about five feet in front of the boy.  “I don’t care because I love you and no amount of you hating me is gonna change that.  So go on and hate me, Cass!  Hate me all you want!”  He leaned down.  “But here’s the nasty secret.  You’re stuck with me and Poe and Kes and Frina and…”  He shook his head.  “A whole damn ranch full of people who love you, no matter how shitty you act.  You’re just going to have to accept that we care about you.”

 

And saying it, Finn felt his chest clench.  _Fuck._

_Fucking fuck fuck fuck._

 

He could almost hear Poe saying _I told you so._

 

_A whole ranch of people who love me no matter what._

_Even if I screw up…_

 

Finn fell to his knees, crying in earnest.

 

Cass stood there, dragging in breaths, trying to hold on to his anger.  But he was also scared and confused and…  He sniffed and wiped his arm across his eyes. 

 

Finn had fallen forward, curled up on himself.

 

Cass looked around.  He took a step back towards the house, thinking of calling for Kes or Poe, but he stopped and stepped forward.  “Finn?”

 

Finn looked up, his eyes ringed in red.

 

“Finn…”

 

Finn leaned back and swallowed.  He held out his hand, motioning for Cass to come to him.

 

Cass slowly walked over.  Finn pulled the boy towards him, hugging him, crying even harder.  “I love you, Cass.”

 

Cass stood there, stiff, for a moment before he leaned forward, crying.  “Don’t leave, Finn.”

 

“I’m not gonna leave you, Cass.  I promise.”

 

“Maddy left,” Cass whispered.

 

“I know.”  Finn squeezed him even tighter.  “I know, sweetheart, but I’m not going anywhere.”

 

**# # # #**

 

Lou pulled Lu to the window, pointing out.  Lu frowned, watching Finn and Cass, who by the looks of things were both crying.  She turned back into the house, unsure if she should get Kes or Frina or…  She turned back to the window, staring.

 

“Is Cass okay,” Lou asked.

 

Lu nodded.  “I think so.”

 

“And Finn?”

 

Lu nodded again, tugging on Lou’s hand.  “Let’s go out back and leave them alone.”

 

“Shouldn’t we tell Poe?”

 

Lu shook her head, leading the younger girl to the back.  “I think they just need some time.”

 

“They were crying.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Cass doesn’t cry,” Lou said.  “Neither does Finn.”

 

“Yeah, they do,” Lu said.

 

“No, Cass never cries.”

 

“Well, then, maybe it’s time he started.”  She pointed to a rock and they both sat on it.

 

“Is he scared?”

 

“Kinda.”  Lu shrugged.  “I think.”

 

“Is he gonna run away again?”

 

“I don’t know.”  Lu frowned.  “I don’t think so.”

 

“I hope not.”

 

Lu wrapped an arm around Lou.  “I think that people like Cass and Finn, they…”  She bit her lip.  “They’re like Kes, right?”

 

“How?”

 

“Well, it just seems that nothing ever scares Kes and that when there’s a problem, he has an answer.”

 

Lou nodded.  “He doesn’t get scared like the rest of us.”

 

“I think he gets scared, but I think he hides it.”

 

Lou pondered this.  “Do you think he cries?”

 

Lu nodded.  “I’m sure he does.”

 

Lou pushed herself off the rock and started walking towards the back of the garden.

 

Lu was confused until she realized where—or more aptly, _who_ —she was walking to.

 

**# # # #**

 

Kes was standing on the edge of one of the fields talking to Kirrit-gul.  When he saw the girls, he frowned and started towards them.  “What are you two doing out here,” he asked.  He looked at Lu.  “Shouldn’t she be at school?”

 

“Do you cry,” Lou asked.

 

“What?”

 

“Do you cry?”

 

Kes raised an eyebrow at Lu.  She pressed her lips together.  “Cass and Finn were…”  She looked down.  “I think they had an argument.”  Kes started forward and she reached out for his arm.  “But whatever it was, they worked it out.”  She looked down at Lou.  “But they were crying.”

 

Kes looked from Lu to Lou.  “Oh.”  He sighed and focused on Lou.  “Yes, sweetheart, I cry.”

 

“Really?”

 

He nodded.  “I…”  He looked lost for a moment before he started towards the house, taking Lou’s hand.  “I was a soldier, so I had to learn not to cry when I was scared or upset.  I had to fight that instinct, and…” He shook his head.  “And even when I quit being a soldier, sometimes I don’t let myself cry when I probably should.”  He stopped.  “But there is nothing wrong with crying.  It’s just, some of us, we forget that.  Have to be reminded every once in a while.”  He groaned as he reached down and picked Lou up.  “I think both Finn and Cass have been trying not to cry for a long time, and they probably both really needed it.”

 

“What about you?”

 

Kes looked into her deep brown eyes, struck by the fact that even if she had been Poe’s biological child she probably couldn’t look any more like Shara than she already did.  He leaned his forehead into hers and let out a small chuckle.  “I’ll tell you a secret.”  He turned to Lu.  “Both of you.”  He lowered his voice.  “But it has to stay a secret, okay?” 

 

Lou nodded.  He looked over at Lu, who said, “Of course.”

 

“Every so often, I go out back, to that memorial Poe made.”

 

“The one where Maddy is?”

 

“Yep.”  Kes started walking.  “There’s a rock out there that Poe made for his mama, and sometimes when I’m sad or angry or scared, I go out there and I talk to her, and more often than not, I end up crying.”

 

Lou leaned forward and hugged him.  Kes laughed and stopped walking.  Lu leaned over and hugged him too.  He laughed louder, tears in his eyes.  “Okay,” he finally said.  “Okay, you two, stop that.”  He shifted Lou in his arms, so he could wipe his eyes.  “I’m starting to think you two only wanted to see if you could get the old man to cry.”  He chuckled, placing a quick kiss on Lou’s head before setting her down.  He smiled and looked at the two of them.  “What say we go comm Aloote and tell her that we’re going to be late for school today, okay?”

 

“Sounds good,” Lu said. 

 

“Late,” Lou yelled, running ahead of them.

 

Kes wiped his eyes again.

 

**# # # #**

 

Frina stood in Xan’s doorway, scrolling through her datapad.  “I think that’s everything,” she said.

 

Xan nodded.  “The hydration system for the northwest field will be back up tomorrow.”

 

Frina made a note of that.  “Check.”  She looked up and smiled at the child.  “And how are you?”

 

Xan shrugged.

 

Frina leaned against the door frame and waited.

 

Xan looked up.  “Seems like everyone was having an emotional day today.”

 

Frina looked confused.  Kes had told her what had happened with the girls and that something had happened between Finn and Cass.  _But how did Xan know?_

 

Xan explained, “I might have hacked into the security systems a long time ago and…”

 

Frina threw back her head and laughed.  “So, you sit in here and watch us all day long.”  She shook her head.  “Brilliant.”

 

Xan blushed.  “You aren’t mad?”

 

“No,” she said, “but you have to fill me in on today.”

 

“Well, Cass yelled at Finn, who yelled back.  Then, they cried and hugged.  And the Lous and Kes were hugging in the back.”  Ze started playing with something on zirs desk.  “Just seemed like a day when everyone was prone to cry.  But in a good way.”

 

Frina wore a soft smile on her face.  “We’ve all been tightly strung lately.”

 

“Yeah,” Xan said.

 

“I think it’s about time we all started hugging and crying.”

 

Xan looked up, studied her.  “You don’t cry.”

 

Frina pushed off the doorframe.  “I used up all my tears a long time ago.”

 

Xan raised an eyebrow at that.

 

“Well, what about you?”

 

“I cry a lot.”

 

“I’ve never seen it.”

 

“Doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen,” Xan said.

 

Frina asked, “You okay?”

 

Xan nodded.

 

“Really?”

 

Xan smiled.  “I’m feeling relatively good today.”

 

Frina chuckled.  “Okay.”  She turned to leave.  “But you’d tell one of us if…”

 

Xan said, “Yeah, Frina.  Don’t worry.”

 

Frina nodded, walking towards the stairs.  _Oh, if only it were that easy._

**# # # #**

Poe, Kes, Finn, and Frina were sitting around the dining room table.  The conversation had long ago trickled to nothing.  It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, far from it.  Rather, it was the end of a long day and they’d all said what needed to be said, and they were each lost in their own thoughts.

 

The padding of feet on the stairs had all of them turning towards the great room.  Lou appeared, rubbing her eyes. 

 

“What’s wrong,” Frina asked.

 

“Had a bad dream,” Lou said, walking over to Poe and leaning against him.

 

Poe smiled.  “I know a thing or two about that.”  He groaned and picked her up.  “Come on, kiddo.  I’ll help you get back to sleep.”

 

“Do you,” Finn started. 

  
  
Poe shook his head.  “I’m good.”

 

He carried Lou upstairs to her room.  As he was tucking her in bed, he asked, “You wanna talk about it?”

 

“No,” she said.

 

“Fair enough,” Poe said.  He pulled over a chair and sat next to her bed.  She reached out a hand and he took it.  “Want a story?”

 

She shook her head.

 

“Ummmm…”  He flashed on a memory.  He couldn’t have been more than four: his mother, sitting on the edge of his bed, singing.  He smiled.  _One of those sad songs Finn hates_.  He started humming.  “Want me to sing?”

 

“Yes,” Lou whispered.

 

Poe hummed a few more bars before the words came back to him.  The song had six verses.  By the third, Lou’s eyes were fluttering shut.  By the fifth, she was asleep.  Poe kept on singing.

 

As he finished the song, he smiled, pulling up the sheet around Lou.  He leaned over and lightly kissed the top of her head.  “Goodnight, sweetheart.”

 

He turned, half expecting Finn to be standing in the door, and was a little disappointed that he wasn’t.  When he came out into the hall, he chuckled.  Finn was leaning against the wall next to the door.  “That’s a nice one,” Finn whispered.

 

“Mom used to sing it to me.”

 

Finn nodded.  The two of them walked to their room and just after they moved through the doorway, Finn stopped.  He turned and placed a light kiss on Poe’s lips.

 

Poe reached up and held Finn there for a moment.  He whispered, “We’re gonna make this work.”

 

“I know,” Finn breathed out.  He took a deep breath.  “But just to be safe, keep reminding me that.”

 

Poe chuckled.  “You too, okay?”

 

**# # # #**

 

In the dining room, Frina stood behind Kes, her arms loosely around his shoulders, leaning her head into his.  He took in a sharp breath and wiped his eyes.  “I’m good,” he said.  When she didn’t move, he added, “Really.”

 

She let go and sat back down.

 

“One of these days, I’m not gonna get choked up when I hear him singing.”

 

Frina took a drink and then put her glass down, turning it in a slow circle.  “Would it be the end of the world if you did get misty eyed every time he sings?”

 

“He’d hate it.”

 

“He’d learn to live with it.”

 

“Fine.  I’d hate it.”

 

Frina shook her head.  “Kes, one of these days you are going to learn that you don’t have to pretend to be some unfeeling warrior anymore.  Believe it or not, most of us around here aren’t going to fall apart if we see you cry.”

 

“You’re as bad as the girls.”

 

“Damn straight,” Frina said, finishing off her drink.  “They have more sense than all the rest of you.”

 

Kes laughed.  He leaned forward, grabbing his glass and finishing his drink.  He turned and studied his friend.  “And does this go for you too?”

 

“Does what—”

 

“The crying,” Kes said.  “You gonna start showing your softer side too?”

 

Frina smiled.  “Fine.  So I’m a hypocrite.”

 

Kes shook his head, rising.  He put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed.  “One of my favorite hypocrites.”  He took both of their glasses into the kitchen.

 

Frina stared at the table.  The last time she’d cried—really cried as opposed to letting a few tears escape—had been just after the Order had destroyed her ranch.  She closed her eyes, remembering how tired and defeated and just plain done she’d felt: she had wandered to what had been the edge of her property, sat down and cried.  Eventually, Rey had found her and had wrapped a blanket around her before putting her on a transport to the Resistance base with the other survivors.  On the transport, she’d wiped her eyes and told herself those were the last tears she was going to shed because of the Order.

 

Kes returned with two full glasses and set them on the table.  He paused as he pulled out his chair.  “Shit, Frina, I didn’t mean—”

 

She shook her head, wiping her eyes.  “Seems like we’re all crying lately.”  She smiled up at him. 

 

Kes leaned over and pulled her into a hug.  “Maybe that should be the new motto for the place: Come to the Dameron Ranch and cry.”

 

She laughed. 

 

Kes sat back down, taking a drink.  He sat there for several minutes as she collected herself.  Then, he said, “That’s the problem putting all these soldiers together under one roof.  We’re all trying to be strong and…”  He shrugged. 

 

“It isn’t working,” Frina finished.

 

“No, it isn’t,” Kes said.  He took another drink.  “I think we’ve all found ways to ignore the fact that the war is over and now…”  He sighed and leaned back into his chair.

 

“Things are changing,” Frina said, staring into her glass.

 

“Things are changing,” Kes repeated.

 

**# # # #**

A week later, Finn stretched.  He didn’t really want to open his eyes, but he knew the alarm would be going off soon.  He let out a groan as he lifted his head to look at the chrono.

 

His forehead bunched.  _That can’t be right?_

 

He looked over to see that Poe wasn’t in bed.  _The moof-milker turned off my alarm_.  He let his head fall back onto the pillow.  He smiled and let the sounds of the house filter into his conscious.  He could hear movement downstairs and what he suspected was Xan in zirs room.  Outside, the girls were laughing.  Finn took a deep breath.

 

He woke up feeling good and he wanted to just hold onto it for a few seconds longer.

 

Then a voice called out from downstairs, “Finn!”

 

Finn chuckled and called out, “Be down in a few, Cass!”

 

Finn pushed himself out of bed, stretching and trying to move his shoulders so that his back would quit aching.  He walked to the window.  Poe was out in the back garden with Lu and Lou, messing around.  All three of them were covered in dirt, and they were all wearing huge smiles.

 

Finn scratched his head as he walked over to the dresser.  He called out, “You wanna go for a run?”

 

“Yeah,” came Cass’ voice from down the hall.

 

“Give me five,” Finn yelled.

 

He stretched his neck and started looking for something light to wear.

 

A few minutes later, he was dressed and walking down the hall.  Xan looked up as Finn walked by.  “I finished re-programming that one droid.”

 

“Really?  That’s great.”  Finn smiled.  “What’s on the agenda for today, then?”

 

“I’ve been looking at trying to get a new pump for the hydration system.  I think I’ve found a seller with a better price than the one Kes has been dealing with.  I’d need to modify it, of course.”

 

“Of course,” Finn said without any trace of sarcasm.  At this point, Xan was practically running the technological side of the ranch.

 

“Shouldn’t take too long.”

 

“I’ll bring Kes up later, okay?”

 

Xan nodded and looked back at zirs screen.

 

Finn turned to find Cass standing in the hall, waiting.  “You finally ready?”

 

Finn rolled his eyes and moved forward, playfully shoving Cass.  “Yeah, I’m ready.”  He ruffled Cass’ hair as they started down the stairs.

 

“Hey,” Cass said, his arms flying about.  “That’s my hair.”

 

Finn laughed.  “I know.”

 

Cass shook his head.  “You’re weird, man.”

 

“How far,” Finn asked, nodding to Kes and Frina in the kitchen.  By the looks of it, there was an argument over what to fix for lunch.  “I vote the greens,” Finn said in passing.

 

Frina smiled and Kes started swearing under his breath.

 

“I dunno?  Twice around the perimeter,” Cass said.

 

“Sounds good,” Finn said.  They stepped outside and shared a look before they both started jogging.

 

**# # # #**

 

Poe came in the back door, dusting dirt off his shirt.  “Hey dad, you seen Finn?”

 

“He and Cass went jogging a while ago.  Should be back though,” Kes said, frowning at the oven.

 

“Do I want to know what’s for lunch?”

 

“No.  Finn and Frina outvoted me.”

 

Poe laughed.  “If you see Finn, tell him I’m looking for him, okay?”

 

“Will do.”

 

Poe ran upstairs and splashed some water on his face and changed clothes.  He saw Finn’s running gear and a damp towel in the fresher.  “Well, you’re around here somewhere…”  Poe went to the window and tried his best to scan the back garden.  He eventually shook his head.  “I’m gonna have to put a tracking device on you,” he muttered.  _Damn eyes._

 

He walked out to the front and noticed the door to the storage hanger was open.  Poe chewed on his cheek and walked over.

 

He looked in and saw Finn sitting next to his mother’s A-wing.

 

“You okay?”

 

Finn nodded.  Tears filled his eyes.

 

“Sweetheart, what is it,” Poe said, rushing in and squatting next to his husband.

 

Finn shook his head, furiously wiping his eyes.  “It was just…”  He smiled.  “I went running with Cass.”

 

“And?”

 

Finn laughed.  “I don’t know how to explain it.”  He wiped his eyes again.  “You were out in the back with the girls, and Kes and Frina were arguing and Xan said hello and…Cass let me ruffle his hair and it was all just…”  He looked up at Poe.  “I love you.”

 

“Oh baby, I love you too,” Poe leaned in to hug him and it was clear he was worried.

 

“No, Poe, I swear, I’m okay.”

 

Poe leaned back, clearly not convinced.

 

“Remember when I first came here and things were weird for a while?”

 

“Yeah,” Poe said, kicking his legs out and sitting down.  He motioned for Finn to scoot closer to him.

 

Finn did and said, “And then remember how one day, it just…wasn’t weird anymore?”

 

Poe thought back; he’d never really pondered it.  “I guess.  I…”  He smiled.  “There came a time when you just fit.”

 

“Yeah,” Finn said.

 

“And?”

 

“And today, everyone just seemed to fit.”

 

Poe smiled.  He hadn’t stopped to think about it, but things were starting to feel… “Normal,” he said.

 

“Yeah,” Finn said.  “It was just a normal day.”

 

Poe laughed.  “Fuck, we needed one of those.”

 

“We did,” Finn said, scooting even closer, fitting his legs around Poe’s, until he was sitting squarely in-between Poe’s legs.  He reached over and pulled his husband’s chin forward.  “We’ve got a strange family, Mister Dameron.”

 

“Yeah, we do, Mister Dameron.”  Poe leaned in and kissed Finn’s nose.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“I don’t know that I did anything.”

 

“No, just thank you.  Doctor Andor says I need to work on being more grateful for what I have rather than dwelling on the things I don’t.”

 

Poe looked down.  Finn called it his _awwww, shucks_ look.  He took Finn’s hands in his.  “I thank the universe every day that you and I managed to find each other.”

 

“Twice,” Finn said.

 

“At least three times,” Poe said.  “Four?”

 

Finn laughed.  “The universe was really pulling for us, it seems.”

 

Poe laughed.  “Yes, it was.”  He squeezed Finn’s hands.  “Thank you too.”

 

“For what?”

 

“For being you.”  Poe smiled at his husband.  “I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

 

“Me either.”

 

They heard a noise just outside the building and then the door was being drug open.  “They’re in here.  Being weird,” Cass yelled out.  He looked in.  “Kes is looking for you two.”

 

“Thanks, Cass.  We’ll be right there.”  The boy nodded and ran off.  Finn chuckled and pushed himself up.  He offered a hand to Poe and helped pull him up.

 

“He’s gonna want to know why we were out here,” Poe said.

 

Finn wrapped an arm around him and said, “It is damn tiring having this many people care about you, you know?”

 

Poe threw his head back in a huge laugh.  “I really wish now-Finn could time travel back and talk to back-then-Finn.”

 

“Well, that guy was awesome,” Finn said.  “Really big deal in the Resistance.”

 

They crossed the yard laughing.

 

Kes stood at the door, with a curious look in his eyes.  “Everything okay?”

 

“Yeah, dad,” Poe said, letting go of his husband to kiss his dad on the cheek.  “Everything is good.”

 

Finn waited until Poe had stepped past his father and then he leaned in and gave Kes a quick hug.  “Just taking a moment to appreciate our lives, you know?”

 

Kes pulled Finn back in for a slightly longer hug.  “I love you, son.” He kissed Finn’s temple and then let him go.  “Now, go set the table.”

 

Poe roared with laughter.

 

“No,” Kes said.  “I want you to round up the kids for lunch.”

 

Finn stuck his tongue out at Poe, who huffed out a “Fine.”  He threw back his head and yelled, “Lunch!”

 

Kes swatted him playfully on the arm.  “Go find them, son.”

 

“Yes, dad.”  He turned to his husband and shared a quick look and a shrug.  _Normal life with our family, huh?_

 

Finn gave him a quick nod and then mouthed _love you._

 

Poe put his hands over his heart and then headed to the back door.  “Lu!  And other Lou!  Lunch!”  As Lou came running in, Poe asked, “Where’s your brother?”

 

“Up with Xan?”

 

Poe went to the stairs and thought about just yelling but then decided to go on up.  He knocked on Xan’s door.  “Yeah?”

 

“Can I open?”

 

“Sure.”

 

Poe opened the door and smiled.  Cass and Xan were staring intently at a monitor on Xan’s desk.  “Lunch is ready.”

 

“You’ve already yelled that,” Cass said, standing up.

 

“And yet, you’re still in here,” Poe said.  He looked at Xan.  “Upstairs or downstairs today, buddy?”

 

“Upstairs.”

 

“Good.  I’ll have Lou bring it up.”  He turned and yelled down the hall, “Lou, can you bring Xan’s lunch up?”

 

“Can you stop yelling across the house,” Kes yelled back.

 

Poe laughed and turned to look at Cass.  “You coming?”

 

“Sure,” Cass said.  He nodded to the monitor.  “You should show Poe this after lunch.”

 

Xan nodded.  “Come up after?”

 

“Sure thing,” Poe said.  Cass passed by him.  “Tell Finn I’ll be down in a second, okay?”

 

Cass nodded and started down the stairs.

 

Poe walked over to the spot on the second floor where you could look down into the kitchen and dining area.  Finn, Frina, Kes, Lu, and then Cass were all sitting down, talking and laughing.  Poe closed his eyes and sent a quick prayer of thanks up to the universe.

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Xan standing next to him.  “You’re happy.”

 

“Yeah, kid, I am.”

 

“He is too,” Xan said, nodding to Finn.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“It feels good.”

 

“It feels kriffing amazing,” Poe said.

 

Xan laughed—a strange little musical sound that Poe was pretty sure he needed to hear much more of. 

 

Finn looked up.  From his angle, he could only see Poe.  “You joining us?”

 

“In a minute,” Poe said.  He stuck out his tongue at Finn and backed away from the railing.

 

“I wish it could always be like this,” Xan said quietly.

 

Poe knelt down.  “Oh kiddo, if I could make it so every day of your life was like this, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

 

Xan reached over and took Poe’s hand, and Poe suddenly felt as if he’d been gifted something precious.  He really didn’t want to screw it up.  “Thanks, Poe.”  Ze squeezed Poe’s hand.

 

Poe’s eyes instantly filled with tears.  He wanted to say something, but his mind was blank.

 

Xan smiled, seeming to understand.

 

They could hear Lou coming up the stairs.  Xan let go of Poe’s hand and walked back to zirs room.  Poe wiped his cheeks and turned to face Lou.  “What do we have for lunch today?”

 

She smiled.  “Vegetables.”

 

“Oh,” he said, the disappointment clear in his voice.  “Really, Finn,” he yelled out.

 

“They’re good for you,” came Finn’s reply.

 

Poe rolled his eyes.

 

Lou stood in Xan’s doorway.  “Food!”

 

“On the table please,” ze said.

 

Lou set down the tray and walked back into the hall.  She turned to Poe.  “You coming?”  He nodded, following her down. 

 

He wiped his eyes one last time before sitting down.  He looked across the table at his husband, who was talking with Frina, and then let his eyes travel around to his father, who was filling up Lou’s plate, and Cass, who was pushing around something that looked way too healthy and green to taste good.  Cass shot him a look and he nodded in sympathy.  He looked back over at Finn, who was watching him.

 

Poe knew that it wasn’t always going to be like this.  There were going to be bad days and good ones.  There were going to be fights and hurt feelings and there was going to be guilt and loss.

 

But in this moment, here, surrounded by his family, Poe couldn’t help but think that his life was very nearly perfect. 

 

And he had faith that for all of the bad, there would be good.  For all of the pain, there would be comfort.  And for all of the heartache, there would be love. 

 

Lots and lots of love.

 

Poe blew a quick kiss to his husband and started eating lunch.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally, this is where the fic ended, but with all of the time traveling, I decided I needed one last jump in time…
> 
> Final chapter on Friday.


	12. Gratitude

 

 

**Twenty Years After Starkiller…**

Finn raised his eyebrow at Lou and she huffed out an exasperated sigh.  “Could you please just…”  She shook her head and walked over to her datapad.  She frowned.  “Just give them ten more minutes?”

 

Finn laughed.  “Who is running late?”

 

She walked back over, curling up next to Finn.  “Cass’ transport was delayed.”  She swatted Finn’s arm.  “And you’re not supposed to know about any of this.”

 

Finn smiled.  “You can always tell them I used the Force on you.”

 

“Gah,” Lou growled.  “Papa will see right through that.”

 

Finn kissed the top of her head.  “I’ll pretend to be surprised.”

 

“Thank you,” she said.  “Was that so hard?”  Her datapad dinged.  “Finally!”  She stood.  “Okay, we can go back to the house.”

 

Finn pushed up, groaning.

 

Lou rolled her eyes and before he could say anything, she said, “You’re not that old.”

 

He hugged Lou.  “Thanks, sweetheart.”

 

**# # # #**

 

They walked from the Western House back to the Main House in silence.  It was Finn’s birthday, and Lou had been tasked with keeping him occupied while Poe and Kes got the house ready.

 

“How does it feel to be 43,” Lou asked as the house came into sight.

 

“Same as 42,” Finn said.

 

Lou shot him a look.

 

Finn shrugged.  “Sorry, kiddo.  No drastic changes.”

 

Lou squeezed his hand, shaking her head.  “Wait until you’re fifty,” she said.

 

Finn groaned.  It was a family joke.  Poe’s fiftieth birthday had been an…experience.  Poe had spent half the day bemoaning his lost youth and the other half tipsy.  “Let’s hope it’s a boring one,” he said.

 

“I think Papa is more given to dramatics than you are,” Lou said.

 

Finn laughed.  “Please don’t tell him you said that.”

 

Lou raised an eyebrow.  “I’m not crazy, Dad.”

 

Even after all these years, being called _dad_ still did something to Finn.  Cass was always going to call him “Finn,” but somewhere along the line both Xan and Lou had elected to start calling him “Dad” and Poe “Papa.” 

 

Somehow, he knew Maddy would be happy about that.

 

He looked over at his daughter.  Lou was fifteen now.  Her curly hair was out of control, and she’d shot up in the past few years, so that now, she was taller than him or Poe.

 

“You ready,” she whispered as they approached the back door. 

 

“They aren’t going to jump out or anything,” Finn asked.

 

“With Xan and Papa?  Are you serious?”

 

Finn laughed.  “I’m ready then.”

 

She opened the door and led Finn to the living room where his whole family was gathered.  Even though Finn had known about the surprise party for days, his breath still caught when he saw them all together.

 

“Happy Birthday,” everyone yelled.

 

Finn’s eyes filled with tears.  “Oh Dad,” Lou said, hugging him again.  “You knew about this,” she whispered in his ear.

 

“It’s just so good to see everyone together,” he said before kissing her cheek.

 

He then heard Lou shriek as she and Lu ran towards each other, colliding in a hug and a rapid-fire conversation far too fast for him to follow.

 

Cass came up and hugged him before stepping back and throwing him a salute.  "Lieutenant Cass Dameron reporting for duty, sir."

 

"Lieutenant?"  Finn's eyes were huge.  "When did that happen?"

 

"A week ago," Cass said, ducking his head.  He looked up.  "Thought I'd surprise you."

 

Finn smiled, shaking his head.  "Good job, Lieutenant."  He pulled Cass back in for another hug.

 

Lu pushed her way forward.  “Don’t hog him,” she said, sticking her tongue out at Cass.  She gave Finn a giant bear hug.  “I missed you.”

 

“I missed you, too,” Finn said.  “How are you?”

 

She smiled.  “I got re-assigned to Blue Squadron last month.”

 

Finn laughed.  “Under Jess?”

 

Lu nodded.  “Yep.”  She turned to where Poe was sitting and smiled.  “And she’s told me all sorts of stories about you, Poe.”

 

Poe shook his head.  “They’re all lies!”

 

Lu laughed.  “Even the one about the time on Coruscant when you lost your pants?”

 

Finn’s eyes grew wide.  “I haven’t heard that one.”

 

“Neither have I,” Kes said.

 

Lu said, “It’s a good one.”

 

Poe said, “Xan, go hug your father.”

  
Xan walked over and gave Finn a quick hug.  “Not like we don’t see each other almost every day,” ze said.

 

“I love you too, Xan.” 

 

Xan smiled and went over to sit next to Poe.

 

Frina came out of the kitchen.  “You’ll all be happy to know that we aren’t having vegetables tonight.”

 

Cass and Poe started clapping.

 

“And there’s cake,” Lou said.

 

“Cake,” Poe asked.

 

“That’s what I was doing this afternoon,” she answered.

 

“I can’t wait,” Finn said.  He reached out and took Lu’s hand and then walked over for Cass’.  “I want to hear all about what you two have been up to.  You don’t comm back nearly enough.”  Both of them groaned as Finn led them to the dining room.

 

Xan stood and reached over for Poe’s arm.  Poe’s sight had finally gone, and while he didn’t have trouble getting around the house, Xan still felt protective of zirs Papa. 

 

“How are things out at the house?”

 

Xan sighed.  Ze had moved into a small house on the southern side of the property a few months earlier.  “Is it weird that I actually miss all the noise here?”

 

Poe laughed.  “Any time you want to move back into your old room, you’re welcome to it.”

 

Xan nodded.  “I’m literally ten minute’s walk away.”

 

“So what,” Poe said.  He pulled Xan towards him and gave zir a quick kiss on top of the head.  “Still miss you.”

 

“I miss you too,” Xan whispered.

 

“Be sure to tell Finn that before you leave tonight,” Poe said. 

 

Xan nodded.

 

**# # # #**

 

Over the years, the population at the Ranch had remained fairly steady—as old faces left, new faces emerged—but with Maddy’s passing and then a few years ago, Dr. Archan’s, Finn felt the need to hold the beings he loved close, which was why he was thrilled to learn that Cass and Lu were spending the night before heading back to the Core in the morning.  Of course, that meant that Finn wanted to spend every moment he could with them, so the birthday dinner lasted for hours as the house filled with laughter and old stories and even the occasional song. 

 

As they were getting ready for bed in the early hours of the morning, Finn looked over at Poe, sitting on the edge of their bed, stretching his neck.  He walked over and sat down next to him, kissing him on the cheek.  “Thank you.”

 

“For what?”

 

Finn snorted.  “For getting the kids back here.  It can’t have been easy.”

 

Poe smiled.  “Yeah, but believe it or not, I still have some pull in certain circles.”

 

Finn smiled.  He stood and pulled off his shirt, frowning at the mirror.  He looked so different from the young Stormtrooper who’d decided to help a crazy pilot escape all those years ago.

 

“You knew, didn’t you?”

 

“Huh,” Finn asked, jerked from his thoughts.

 

“You knew about the surprise?”

 

“Yeah,” Finn said.  “I overheard Frina and Lou a few days ago.”

 

Poe chuckled.  “Well, at least you’re not claiming you used the Force.”

 

Finn laughed.  He walked over to the bed and stood in front of his husband.  He slowly carded a hand through Poe’s now grey hair.  “Have I told you today that I love you?”

 

Poe shook his head.

 

“I love you,” Finn said.

 

Poe leaned forward until his forehead hit Finn’s chest.  “I love you too.”  Poe wrapped his arms around Finn and tilted his head up.  “You happy,” he asked.

 

Finn let his fingers move down to Poe’s cheek, brushing his thumb across Poe’s skin.  “Yeah.”  He pulled Poe back into a hug.  “Really happy.”

 

“Me too,” Poe said.

 

They held each other for a few more moments before Finn pulled back and leaned down, kissing Poe’s forehead.  “Come on.  Let’s go to bed.”

 

Poe nodded, crawling into bed.  As soon as Finn had crawled in, Poe curled up against him.  “Hey Finn,” he whispered.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Did I ever say thank you?”

 

“Thank you?  For what, sweetheart?”

 

Poe nuzzled his husband’s chest.  “You’re the reason any of us are here,” he said.  “There’s no party without you.”

 

“Well, yeah.”

 

“No,” Poe said.  “I mean…”  He let one of his fingers trace a figure-eight on Finn’s chest.  “You don’t decide to break out of _The Finalizer_ or you don’t decide to come get me on Leritor, none of this happens.  None of us would be here today.  Not me.  Not Frina.  Not the kids or Lu.”

 

Finn’s breath caught.  He’d never considered that.  _No, that can’t…_   He wanted to tell Poe that it all still could’ve happened, but…

 

Poe’s finger stilled.  “You’re the reason we’re here,” he repeated.  “And I don’t think I thank you enough for that.”

 

Finn pulled his husband closer, tears filling his eyes.

 

“Thank you, Finn.”

 

Finn nodded, not trusting his voice. 

 

After a moment, Poe let out a small chuckle.  “Now, if this is gonna go to your head or something…”

 

Finn swatted Poe’s arm.  “Had to ruin the moment, didn’t you, Dameron?”  He wiped his eyes.

 

Poe kissed Finn’s chest, still chuckling.  “Love you,” he said.

 

“I love you too.”

 

As Finn listened to Poe drift off to sleep, he stared at the ceiling, thinking about what Poe had said.  Twenty years ago, he was being groomed to be an officer, one of the best Stormtroopers of his generation. 

 

 _If I’d pulled that trigger…_  

 

He didn’t finish the thought.  He closed his eyes, fighting the shudder that still managed to rush through him as his mind drifted through scenarios of _what might have been_.

 

 _No Poe.  No Rey.  No Leia.  No Kes.  No Cass or Xan or Lou or Lu or Frina or…_   Finn leaned down and kissed the top of Poe’s head, suddenly aware of just how fortunate he was—the million little ways that any of it could’ve fallen apart at any time.

 

“We’re so damn lucky,” he whispered and then he shook his head.  It hadn’t been an easy twenty years.  There had been plenty of loss and plenty of pain.  There had been times when he’d wanted to give up and there were times when he didn’t know how he was going to go on.

 

But here he was.

 

And, he realized, silently cataloguing his life over the past two decades, there had been friends and family and so many wonderful things that Finn’s heart felt overfull just thinking of them.  _So kriffing lucky._

 

Finn started crying, moving his hands up to wipe his eyes.

 

Poe roused and immediately sat up.  “No, sweetie.  I didn’t mean to upset you.”

 

Finn took Poe’s hand and placed it on his cheek before shaking his head.  “No.  I’m…it’s…it’s good.  I’m happy,” he said.

 

Poe ran his thumb across Finn’s cheek.  “Are you sure?”

 

Finn nodded.  “Truly happy.”

 

He reached up and tugged Poe back down.  As Poe settled back with his head on Finn’s shoulder, Finn said, “You ever just get overwhelmed with how everything turned out?  Like you can’t believe that this is our life?”

 

Poe hummed and then shifted, putting his chin on Finn’s chest.  “I remember once, about a year after you got here, I woke up in the middle of the night convinced that I’d died on Selvaris and that this was all some sort of dream.”

 

Finn closed his eyes, pulling Poe closer.

 

“And I remember reaching over and touching you and…”  Poe’s voice got so quiet Finn almost didn’t hear him.  “Just knowing you were here with me made it better.  Like, if it was a dream, at least you were in it with me?”

 

Finn smiled, letting his fingers trace down Poe’s arm.  “Always, Dameron.”

 

Poe snuggled even closer.  “Always,” he said.

 

As Finn let his eyes drift closed—his husband wrapped in his arms and his children asleep in their rooms down the hall—he smiled. 

 

The last twenty years hadn’t always been easy.  There had been ups and downs, hurt feelings and broken hearts.  Finn had gained friends and a family but he’d also lost a number of truly wonderful beings along the way.

 

No, it was a messy life, and he still got things wrong from time to time, still argued with Poe and still threw his hands up in the air when one of his kids got on his nerves.

 

But for all of that, Finn knew that he wouldn’t trade this life for anything.  His life wasn’t necessarily perfect, but it was _his_.

 

And there was no better victory over the First Order than that.

 

“Love you,” he muttered into his husband’s hair as he started to fall asleep.

 

“Mmmmmmm,” Poe mumbled, half asleep.  “Love you.”

 

All that was left in Finn’s mind then was love.

 

And no matter what else life held in store for Finn, that was more than enough to see him through.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, thank you to everyone who read this. And special thanks to all of you who left comments and kudos. You will never know how much they meant to me. Truly. I am always profoundly grateful for them.
> 
> Second, both this and [Hope](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10799481/chapters/23958378) were fics where I wanted to explore the realities of trauma and relationships. A lot I pulled from my own experiences, and with this fic in particular, I aimed to show the frustration, fear, and anger that sometimes surrounds loss and change in a relationship--even between people profoundly in love, change can beget some messy and awkward feelings, and sometimes there are no real answers or solutions to your problems. You just keep going, and the thing that gets you through is the person or people walking beside you. 
> 
> But I always had a vision of a time when things were better for Poe and Finn, and I wanted to share that too. Hence this final chapter. Because at the end of the day, I am a being of hope, and I'd like to think that, even given the horrible things they've been through, Poe and Finn are beings of hope too. Neither of them would be where they are without it.
> 
> So thanks again for reading! I truly appreciate it.

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't read Hope: in it, Poe and Finn have been in a committed relationship pretty much since Finn woke up from his coma after Starkiller. Eighteen months later, Poe is captured and tortured by the First Order. He is presumed dead by everyone except Finn and Leia. In reality, he is being reconditioned to become a sleeper agent for the Order.
> 
> Finn spends all his free time searching for Poe and eventually finds him.
> 
> While Poe can’t remember the details, he does know he’s a danger to the Resistance and refuses to return with Finn. They argue. Eventually, Poe is sent to a specialist and they are able to reverse the reconditioning. However, Poe has lost most of his sight and has severe PTSD, so he resigns from the Resistance and breaks up with Finn.
> 
> Finn finds Poe after the war on Yavin IV, where Poe and his father have opened their ranch up to refugees. Poe and Finn resume their relationship. The fic ends six years after Starkiller with Finn telling Poe he loves him.
> 
> Original Characters from Hope that will be appearing in this fic:  
> Frina, a Twi'lek who ran a ranch on Leritor where Poe hid from the First Order and Resistance. It was destroyed by the First Order. She served in the Resistance and later came to live on the Dameron Ranch.
> 
> Treeno Archan, a man with some medical training who helped Poe when he first got free of the First Order. After the war, he and his daughter and granddaughter came to live with Poe and Kes on the Dameron Ranch.
> 
> Lu, Treeno's granddaughter. She is a genius at mechanical gadgets, and she and Poe bonded when he briefly lived with her grandfather.


End file.
